I have found, by experience, that, though small favours may be acknowledged, and slight injuries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged; and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you the greatest wrong.

• Introduction
• Chapters I-XXI
• Chapters XXII-XLVI
• Chapters XLVII-LXIX

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RODERICK RANDOM
VOL. I.

v

CONTENTS

	PAGES
List of Illustrations	x
CHAPTER ONE
Of my Birth and Parentage	1-6
CHAPTER TWO
I grow up—Am hated by my Relations—Sent to School—Neglected by my Grandfather—Maltreated by my Master—Seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals against the Pedant—Am debarred access to my Grandfather—Hunted by his Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor	6-10
CHAPTER THREE
My Mother’s Brother arrives—Relieves me—A Description of him—He goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather—Is encountered by his Dogs—Defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—Is admitted to the old Gentleman—A Dialogue between them	11-16
vi CHAPTER FOUR
My Grandfather makes his Will—Our second Visit—He dies—His Will is read in presence of all his living Descendants—The Disappointment of my female Cousins—My Uncle’s Behaviour	16-20
CHAPTER FIVE
The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—Am settled at an University by his generosity	20-26
CHAPTER SIX
I make great progress in my Studies—Am caressed by Everybody—My female Cousins take notice of me—I reject their Invitation—They are incensed, and conspire against me—I am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls my Uncle—Gawky’s Treachery—My Revenge	26-33
CHAPTER SEVEN
I am entertained by Mr. Crab—A Description of him—I acquire the Art of Surgery—Consult Crab’s Disposition—Become necessary to him—An Accident happens—He advises me to launch out into the World—Assists me with Money—I set out for London	34-41
CHAPTER EIGHT
I arrive at Newcastle—Meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—We determine to walk together to London—Set out on our Journey—Put up at a solitary Ale-house—Are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night	41-50
vii CHAPTER NINE
We proceed on our Journey—Are overtaken by an Highwayman, who fires at Strap—Is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride in pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn	50-56
CHAPTER TEN
The Highwayman is taken—We are detained as Evidence against him—Proceed to the next Village—He escapes—We arrive at another Inn, where we go to Bed—In the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—Next Night we lodge at the House of a Schoolmaster—Our Treatment there	56-63
CHAPTER ELEVEN
We descry the Waggon—Get into it—Arrive at an Inn—Our Fellow-travellers described—A Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange things	63-71
CHAPTER TWELVE
Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—An Affair between the Captain and me—The Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five Guineas for a Release—We are in danger of losing a Meal—The Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—An Account of Captain Weazel and his Lady—The Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s Mirth at the Captain’s Expense	72-81
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s Conjecture—The Mystery explained by Joey—We arrive at London—Our Dress and Appearance described—We are insulted in the Street—An Adventure in an Ale-house—We are imposed viii upon by a waggish Footman—Set to rights by a Tobacconist—Take Lodgings—Dive for a Dinner—An Accident at our Ordinary	81-89
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
We visit Strap’s Friend—A Description of him—His Advice—We go to Mr. Cringer’s House—Are denied Admittance—An Accident befalls Strap—His Behaviour thereupon—An extraordinary Adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose all my Money	90-97
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Strap moralises—Presents his Purse to me—We inform our Landlord of my Misfortune—He unravels the Mystery—I present myself to Cringer—He recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a Fellow-Dependant, who explains the Characters of Cringer and Staytape—And informs me of the Method to be pursued at the Navy Office and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed	97-104
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
My new Acquaintance breaks an Appointment—I proceed by myself to the Navy Office—Address myself to a Person there, who assists me with his Advice—Write to the Board—They grant me a Letter to the Surgeons at the Hall—Am informed of the Beau’s Name and Character—Find him—He makes me his Confident in an Amour—Desires me to pawn my Linen, for his Occasions—I recover what I lent him—Some curious Observations of Strap on that Occasion—His Vanity	105-115
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I go to Surgeons’ Hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson—Am examined—A fierce Dispute arises between two of the Examiners—Jackson disguises himself to attract Respect—Is ix detected—In hazard of being sent to Bridewell—He treats us at a Tavern—Carries us to a Night House—A troublesome Adventure there—We are committed to the Round House—Carried before a Justice—His Behaviour	115-125
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I carry my Qualification to the Navy Office—The Nature of it—The Behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s Concern for my Absence—A Battle between him and a Blacksmith—The troublesome Consequence of it—His Harangue to me—His Friend the Schoolmaster recommends me to a French Apothecary, who entertains me as a Journeyman	125-133
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The Characters of Mr. Lavement, his Wife, and Daughter—Some Anecdotes of the Family—The Mother and Daughter rivals—I am guilty of a Mistake that gives me present Satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome Consequences	133-141
CHAPTER TWENTY
I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—Suspect O’Donnell, and am confirmed in my Opinion—Concert a Scheme of Revenge, and put it in execution—O’Donnell robs his own Servant, and disappears—I make my Addresses to a Lady, and am miraculously delivered from her Snare	141-148
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my Master—Is involved in a troublesome Affair, out of which he is extricated by me—He marries my Master’s Daughter—They conspire against me—I am found guilty of Theft—Discharged—Deserted by my Friends—I hire a Room in St. Giles’s—Where, by accident, I find the Lady to whom I made my Addresses in a miserable Condition—I relieve her	148-159

x

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

Portrait from an Engraving by T. Holloway	Frontispiece
Welcomed by the Landlord	Face page 60
Mr. Jackson and the Nymphs	Face page 121

1

THE ADVENTURES
of
RODERICK RANDOM

CHAPTER ONE

Of my Birth and Parentage.

I WAS born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of my grandfather; a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had, on many occasions, signalised himself in behalf of his country; and was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success, in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father, his youngest son, falling in love with a poor relation, who lived with the old gentleman in quality of housekeeper, espoused her privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much, that her husband, tired with her importunity, at last consulted a Highland seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to 2 her great surprise, acted the part of midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket, that it disappeared in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the loss of her offspring; when all of a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the earth beneath her feet, whence immediately sprung up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves, that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold, will appear in the sequel.

It was not long before some officious person informed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son and housekeeper, which alarmed him so much, that a few days after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling; and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done, and excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power. He added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense; and as for fortune, it was beneath his care. The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper; and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting, while his father’s tenderness remained, 3 which he and his wife should always cultivate with the utmost veneration; that he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my grandfather, “did not think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of duty, had not you some secret fund in reserve, to the comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour;—you are a polite gentleman,—a very pretty gentleman;—I wish you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant.” So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined.

However, he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his father’s disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being invariable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so, without any further application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow, to a farmhouse, where an old servant of his mother dwelt. There they remained for some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of their desires, and tenderness of their love; which, nevertheless, my father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent. But my mother, foreseeing the inconvenience to which she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced), without communicating her design to her husband, went 4 in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which was now irrevocably past. She found means to deceive the servants, and was introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grievances; it being my grandfather’s particular province to decide in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence; where discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the same time representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of his own grandchild, which was about to see the light.

He told her, he was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any further importunity. This said, he retired. The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her constitution, that she was immediately seized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old maid-servant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grandfather’s displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this poor woman, she was carried up to a garret, and immediately delivered of a man-child, the story of whose unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father being informed of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and, while he loaded his offspring with paternal caresses, could not forbear shedding a flood of tears, on beholding the dear partner of his heart, for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the East, stretched upon a flock bed in a 5 miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed, that the old gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heir-apparent, acquainted him with the affair. He determined, therefore, to observe no medium, but immediately, on the third day after her delivery, sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant who had preserved her life.

This behaviour so exasperated my father, that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and, on his bare knees, implored that heaven would renounce him, if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire. The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death, that he remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man, who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse; and he ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason. Whether this hard-hearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, 6 could not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the particulars of my birth, will appear in the course of these memoirs.

CHAPTER TWO

I grow up—Am hated by my Relations—Sent to School—Neglected by my Grandfather—Maltreated by my Master—Seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals against the Pedant—Am debarred access to my Grandfather—Hunted by his Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor.

THERE were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned in my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by reflecting, that, in all his calamities, they never discovered the least inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his father’s resentment, and supported his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this situation as an idle chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my father would have extended to me too, whose life was another obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace; and as I strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who, the more my infancy promised, conceived the more implacable hatred against me; and, before I was six years 7 of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather, that I never saw him but by stealth; when I sometimes made up to his chair, as he sat to view his labourers in the field: on which occasions, he would stroke my head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me. I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been dictator time out of mind; but as he neither paid for my board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible; and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I made under his instruction.

In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree, that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling him, that if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head. The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his patron, assured his honour, that the boy’s ability was more owing to his own genius and application, than to any instruction or encouragement he received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with God’s help, to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had writ impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and fastened it with whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually 8 debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy, who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous reproach, that, with one stroke of my machine, I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and school-fellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass, that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on me would not be effaced; no more than the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition, impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by which I was at length inured to adversity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit; because, having the character of a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hurted, of stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that I fired a pistol, loaded with small shot, into his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness, that I was a‑bed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry-boat in which I was passenger; another time for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart running over me; a third time for being bit by a baker’s dog. In short, 9 whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this infernal usage, my indignation triumphed over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This qualification, together with a boldness of temper, and strength of make, which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such influence over them, that I began to form cabals against my persecutor, and was in hopes of being able to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the head of a faction consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I was determined to put their metal to trial, that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground allotted to us for the scene of our diversions, and who were then playing at nine-pins on the spot: but I had the mortification to see my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight, by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these alarms, that they at last abandoned their conquest, 10 and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories. It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; insomuch, that when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known), to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in awe.

Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and, indeed, was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grandfather’s indulgence, in entertaining a tutor for him at home, who at the same time performed the office of parish-clerk. This young Actæon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in distress, never set eyes on me, without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement, he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore. The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his fore-teeth, and effectually incapacitated him for doing the office of a clerk.

11

CHAPTER THREE

My Mother’s Brother arrives—Relieves me—A Description of him—He goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather—Is encountered by his Dogs—Defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—Is admitted to the old Gentleman—A Dialogue between them.

ABOUT this time, my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad, lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where, being informed of my condition, he came to see me, and, out of his slender finances, not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome on me for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge’s disposition, but also unacquainted with the ways of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter stranger. He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy-legged, with a neck like that of a bull, and a face which, you might easily perceive, had withstood the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier’s coat, altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches, japanned with pitch, clean grey worsted stockings, large silver buckles, that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked the brims about an inch and a half, a black bob wig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, an hanger with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a tarnished laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm.

Thus equipped, he set out with me (who, by his bounty, made a very decent appearance,) for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Cæsar, 12 whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to take myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Cæsar sprawling on the ground; but finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Cæsar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and, by a lucky stroke, severed Jowler’s head from his body. By this time the young fox-hunter and three servants, armed with pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle stepped forward with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody weapon his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted their leader thus: “Lookee, brother, your dogs have boarded me without provocation; what I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot ahead clear of you.” Whether the young squire misinter­preted my uncle’s desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread work; I’ll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.” This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check the progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide 13 the contention by himself. Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking, “Who the d—l are you? What do you want?—Some scoundrel of a seaman, I suppose, who has deserted, and turned thief. But don’t think you shall escape, sirrah; I’ll have you hanged, you dog, I will; your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you.” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,” replied my uncle—“else I shall trim your laced jacket for you—I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy—I shall.”

So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile, the people of the house being alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter? “The matter!” answered the lieutenant, “no great matter, young woman. I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, won’t allow me to come alongside of him, that’s all.” After a few minutes’ pause, we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather’s chamber, through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very significant looks, as I passed along. When we came into the judge’s presence, my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in this manner: “Your servant—your servant. What cheer, father?—what cheer?—I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom Bowling; and this here boy—you look as if you did not know him neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigg’d, i’faith; his cloth don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’ye see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t lag astern, you dog” (pulling me forward). My grandfather, who was laid up with the 14 gout, received this relation, after his long absence, with that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand,” said my uncle. “For my own part, I desire nothing of you; but if you have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian, do I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister’s son is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack,” (pointing to the young squire, who, with the rest of my cousins, had followed us into the room). “Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is not he much handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come—consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father; and make all the satisfaction in your power, before it be too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his father’s portion on him.”

The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my protector: “Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude, impertinent fellow—did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s brat had been too well taken care of; grandpapa was too just not to make a difference between an unnatural rebellious son, and his dutiful loving children, who took his advice in all things”—and such expressions, were vented against him with great violence, until the judge at length commanded silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said he would excuse, on account of his education. He told him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept to school seven or eight years, although he 15 was informed he made no progress in his learning, but was addicted to all manner of vice; which he rather believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future as became him.

The honest tar, whose pride and indignation boiled within him, answered my grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him nothing; for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it was not to be much wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet, whoever told him so, was a lying lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keelhauled. For though he (the lieutenant) did not understand those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-year’s pay on the boy’s head; (with these words, he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company). “Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather left like a wreck, d’ye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather by your neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel’s brains, instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland—that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of him—would you? I had rather see him hanged, d’ye see. Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my boy; let’s tack about—i’faith, while I have a shilling, thou shan’t want a tester. B’wye, old gentleman, 16 you’re bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill provided for the voyage.” Thus ended our visit, and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry that surrounded him.

CHAPTER FOUR

My Grandfather makes his Will—Our second Visit—He dies—His Will is read in presence of all his living Descendants—The Disappointment of my female Cousins—My Uncle’s Behaviour.

A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness which lasted three days, had sent for a notary, and made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception. In obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often repeating by the road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall see,—you shall see the effect of my admonition.” When we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of his granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and affection. My uncle approached him with these words: “What! he’s not aweigh? How fare ye, old gentleman?—Lord have mercy upon your poor sinful soul.” Upon which the 17 dying man turned his languid eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on, “Here’s poor Rory come to see you before you die, and receive your blessing. What, man! don’t despair,—you have been a great sinner, ’tis true, what then? There’s a righteous judge above,—a’nt there?—He minds me no more than a porpoise. Yes, yes, he’s agoing,—the land crabs will have him, I see that,—his anchor’s apeak, i’faith.”

This homely consolation scandalised the company so much, and especially the parson, who probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into the other room, where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather’s decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead?—“Dead!” says my uncle, looking at the body, “ay, ay, I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odds fish! now my dream is out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark that floated alongside, and the devil perching on our sprit-sail yard, in the likeness of a blue bear,—who, d’ye see, jumped overboard upon the carcass, and carried it to the bottom in his claws.” “Out upon thee, reprobate!” cries the parson, “out upon thee, blasphemous wretch!—Dost thou think his honour’s soul is in the possession of Satan?” The clamour immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being shouldered from one corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had a title to send him adrift. “None of your tricks upon travellers,” said he; “mayhap old buff has left my 18 kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better news. I’d soon make him a clear ship, I warrant you.” To avoid any further disturbance, one of my grandfather’s executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling that his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed, after the funeral, for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included: but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of it, until I should be assured whether or not I had reason to honour his memory so far.

During this interval, the conjectures of people, with regard to the old gentleman’s will, were various. As it was well known he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined, that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of opinion, that as the rest of his children had been already provided for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and gestures formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and 19 mortification that appeared, when the attorney pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his grandfather’s estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who had been always very officious about my grandfather’s person, inquired with a faltering accent, and visage as yellow as an orange, “If there were no legacies?” and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which she fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution; though not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentleman’s death. My conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began: “So there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an old succubus;—but somebody’s soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out, “Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt!—wilt thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest in peace?” But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part of a busy-body with their grandpapa, whose ears he had certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that, if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed the clergyman). 20 The surly lieutenant, who was not in an humour to relish this amusement, replied, “You and your dogs may be d—d; I suppose you’ll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory—about ship, my lad,—we must steer another course, I think.”—And away we went.

CHAPTER FIVE

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—Am settled at an University by his generosity.

ON our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the space of a whole hour, but whistled, with great vehemence, the tune of “Why should we quarrel for riches,” etc., his visage being contracted all the while into a most formidable frown. At length his pace increased to such a degree, that I was left behind a considerable way. Then he waited for me; and, when I was almost up with him, called out in a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must I bring-to every minute for you, you lazy dog?” Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature, of which he had a great share, and reflection getting the better of his passion, he said, “Come, my boy, don’t be cast down,—the old rascal is in hell,—that’s some satisfaction; you shall go to sea with me, my lad.—’A light heart and a thin pair of breeches goes through the world, brave boys,’ as the song goes, eh!” Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering any aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only 21 friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman, that he never dreamt I could have any objection to his design, consequently gave himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropt, by the advice of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly, one day, make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation. Upon which this generous tar determined, though he could ill afford it, to give me university education; and accordingly settled my board and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against the memory of the judge, (who, by the by, had procured that settlement for him,) hinting in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was damn’d to all eternity, for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning.

This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone, made me think it high time to be revenged of this insolent pedagogue. Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this: in the afternoon preceding the day of my departure for the university, I resolved to take the advantage of the usher’s going out to make water, which he regularly did at four o’clock, and shut the great door, that he might not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done, the assault was to be begun, by my advancing to my master, and spitting in his face. I was to be 22 seconded by two of the strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged with his own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in the struggle; but if we should find him too many for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors, who should be ready to reinforce us, or oppose anything that might be undertaken for the master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging into a river, and dragging him on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at if he had a particular regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a voluntary disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on many occasions on my behalf, he having once rendered me the same service that I had done Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the punishment I deserved. These two champions were the more willing to engage in this enterprise, because they intended to leave the school the next day as well as I, the first being ordered by his father to return into the country, and the other being bound apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far off.

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In the meantime, my uncle being informed of my master’s behaviour to me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily, that I could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, which he heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, “No, no, z—ds! that won’t do, neither. Howsomever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i’faith! But, lookee, lookee, how dost propose to get clear off?—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy? ay, ay, that he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast. Ah! God help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me—I’ll show him the foretop-sail, I will. If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll play him a salt-water trick; I’ll bring him to the gangway, and anoint him with a cat-o’-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he shall, and be left lashed to his meditations.”

We were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up, and sent off a day before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher’s absence, bolted in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who bawled out, “Murder! thieves!” with the voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspen-leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to my assistance. Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal; and seeing 24 me leap upon the master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which, pulling with all his force, his dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of an universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole school joined.

This noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly by entreaties, to procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he would let him in presently; but, if he pretended to move from that place, it should fare worse with the son of a b—h, his superior, on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous usage of Rory; “to which,” said he, “you are no stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose, after having secured his hands, and stript his back. In this ludicrous posture he stood, (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight,) venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery and rebellion, when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, d’ye see, and I have a respect for you; but, for all that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a short time.” With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest man no sooner saw, than he protested with great earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered to him; at the same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from raising the hue 25 and cry against us before we should be out of their power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of his soul, which he immediately put in practice with great vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors, gave him such exquisite pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words: “Now, friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future—shout, boys, shout.” This ceremony was no sooner over, than my uncle proposed they should quit the school, and convoy their old comrade Rory to a public-house, about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. “Well, well, old surly,” replied my uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying, he dismissed the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one another, while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated according to his promise. We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next day; and I found I had no 26 cause to complain of the accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.

CHAPTER SIX

I make great progress in my Studies—Am caressed by Everybody—My female Cousins take notice of me—I reject their Invitation—They are incensed, and conspire against me—I am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls my Uncle—Gawky’s Treachery—My Revenge.

AS I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect me; and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual dangers, which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also, no doubt, subject to those vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with the world might produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: this I did with such success, that, in the space of three years, I understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy; logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself on my taste in the Belles Lettres, and a talent for poetry, which had already produced some pieces that 27 met with a very favourable reception. These qualifications, added to a good face and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable people in town; and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree of favour with the ladies—an intoxicating piece of good fortune to one of my amorous complexion!—which I obtained, or, at least, preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal in lampooning their rivals. Two of my female cousins lived in this place with their mother, since the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest toasts in town, and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most supercilious contempt, my character now attracted their notice so much, that I was given to understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased.

The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice, or, at least, of screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph with great satisfaction; and not only rejected their offer with disdain, but, in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated those of their intimates. This neglect mortified their pride exceedingly, and incensed them to such a degree, that they were resolved to make me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me, the subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents. But, besides the badness of the composition, (of which they themselves 28 were ashamed,) they did not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes which they and their relations had brought upon me, and which, consequently, reflected much more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice. Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries, that this enraged lover determined to seize me next night, as I returned to my lodgings from a friend’s house that I frequented. With this view, he waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had imparted his design, of carrying me down to the river, in which he proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home another way, and, by the help of my landlord’s apprentice, discharged a volley from the garret window, which did great execution upon them; and, next day, occasioned so much mirth at their expense, that they found themselves under a necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten. My cousins, though twice baffled in their expectation, did not, however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting their malice, and preventing its effects. Neither should I have found them more humane, had I patiently submitted to their rancour, and bor[n]e, without murmuring, the rigour of their unreasonable hate; for I have found, by experience, that, though small favours may be acknowledged, and slight injuries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged; and no enemy so implacable as those 29 who have done you the greatest wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme which conspired, with a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction they desired.

This plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confident, who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my small amours, which they published with such exaggerations, that I suffered very much in the opinion of everybody, and was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had been called in question. While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered when I went home to dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixing her eyes on the ground, told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one enclosed for me—she was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake and his own—people should be more cautious of their conduct. She was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or other. As for her part, she would be very ready to befriend me, but she had a small family of her own to maintain. The world would do nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home. She wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver, or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning foolish nonsense that would never bring me in a penny—but some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:—

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This letter, which with the other was dated from Port Louis in Hispaniola, I had no sooner read, than the apothecary, shaking his head, began: “I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling, that’s certain,—and could be well content—but times are very hard. There’s no such thing as money to be got—I believe ’tis all vanished under ground, for my part. Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having entertained you since the beginning of this month without receiving a sixpence,—and God knows if ever I shall;—for 31 I believe it will go hard with your uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I want your apartment for a new ’prentice, whom I expect from the country every hour. So I desire you will this week provide yourself with another lodging.”

The indignation which this harangue inspired, gave me spirits to support my reverse of fortune, and to tell him, I despised his mean selfish disposition so much, that I would starve rather than be beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him I would not sleep another night under his roof. This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord would receive me. Thither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me with caresses, and made frequent offers of friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him—a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. But, when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering himself from his confusion, he told me, he was grieved at my misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord Mr. Potion and me. Whereupon 32 I recounted the conversation; and when I repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, “Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so kindly all along!” My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and I gave him to understand, with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel, who ought to be expelled from every social community. This heat of mine gave him all the advantage he desired over me, and our discourse, after much altercation, concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that place; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of making that request;—and thus we parted.

On my return I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him, since his arrival, on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present expense; upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence, with a shilling or two among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day, he having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards. Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference; for he neither expressed any sympathy for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly I left him without uttering one word. But, when I afterwards understood that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me 33 to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, I determined with myself to call him to a severe account; for which purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the invitation; and I betook myself to the field, though not without feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the way: but the desire of revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good grace. There I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill-pleased to find he had no mind to meet me; because I should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find him, without any dread of the consequence. Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my billet: and I was vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than half price, to defray the expense, and contribute to my subsistence.

34

CHAPTER SEVEN

I am entertained by Mr. Crab—A Description of him—I acquire the Art of Surgery—Consult Crab’s Disposition—Become necessary to him—An Accident happens—He advises me to launch out into the World—Assists me with Money—I set out for London.

THE fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a solitary being, no ways comprehended within the scheme or protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite stupefied, when I was one day told that a gentleman desired to see me at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired, and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who was engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to the reader if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some circumstances of his character and conduct, which may illustrate what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and ten round the belly; his face was capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion of a mulberry; his nose, resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little grey eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner, that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, 35 who, though a young practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure whereby he disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel, which was at one time upon the point of being made up by the interposition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and were, with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which, when I had related, he said with a malicious grin, “There’s a sneaking dog!—I always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me!—a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a—se of everybody.” “Aye, aye,” says another, “one might see with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so regularly to church.” This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions, that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in these words: “Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I’ll do for you. You may send your things to my house when you please. I have given orders for your reception. Zounds! what does the booby stare at?—If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d—d.” I 36 answered, with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be entertained. “What footing! d—n my blood,” cried he; “d’ye expect to have a footman and a couple of horses kept for you?” “No, sir,” I replied, “my expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as little burdensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art while I lived with Mr. Potion: neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied with great pleasure and application.” “Oho! you did?” says Crab. “Gentlemen, here is a complete artist!—Studied surgery! what? in books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days on points of my profession. You can already account for muscular motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha? You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let’s hear no more of this stuff. Can you bleed and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare a potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative he shook his head, telling me he believed he should have little good of me, for all my promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity.

I was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this change of circumstances. I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me in this manner: for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his antagonist in opposition to his own generosity, which was all affectation, he 37 had occasion for a young man who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul play from his master’s brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the application, and manage it with all the address, in my power. And it was not long before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour, which governed his behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his satisfaction, that, if his wife or servants betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they seldom failed to feel. And, when his indignation was roused, submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp, and lazy ragamuffin, I boldly replied, “I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with.” He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to convince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute which must decide my future lot in his service; I 38 therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest. He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to a master,—very fine!—d—tion!—but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall. I’ll do your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand against me.” So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch after dinner. By this conduct I got the ascendency over him in a short time, and became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close application to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on very good terms with my master’s wife, whose esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some Christian offices when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation under the affliction she suffered from her barbarous husband.

In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle, for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance: for the Nabal, my master, allowed me no wages; and the small perquisites of my station scarce supplied me with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert 39 unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned to town, without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so effectually, that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had done me. When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business, I began to cast about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone: but, as this could not be effected without a small sum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident which happened about this time determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of his maid-servant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me, at the same time, that I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and her; taking the advantage of which I represented to her the folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to much better 40 purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining his reputation; there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness in the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived. He, therefore, took a resolution worthy of himself; which was, to persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only afflicted with a disorder incident to young women, which he would easily remove. With this view, as he pretended, he prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he was disappointed; for the maid, being advertised by me of his design, and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her situation to the world, if he would not immediately take some method of providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by his addressing himself to me, one day, in this manner: “I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was broiling on the coast of Guinea.—D—me! what’s to hinder you from profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short time against Spain? You may easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality of a surgeon’s mate; where you will certainly see a great deal of practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.” I laid hold of this declaration, 41 which I had long wished for, and assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it was in my power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply me with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required; and as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money sufficient not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of some ship. I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set out in a few weeks for London, my whole fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen of ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of worsted, and a like number of thread stockings, a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten guineas in cash, for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent. interest; at the same time [he] gave me a letter to the member of parliament for our town, which, he said, would do my business effectually.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I arrive at Newcastle—Meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—We determine to walk together to London—Set out on our Journey—Put up at a solitary Ale-house—Are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night.

THERE is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse; I determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who 42 transport goods from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme I accordingly put in execution on the first day of November 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which contained my goods in a knapsack. But, by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, I was so fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.

The hostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for London, advised me to take my passage in a collier, which would be both cheap and expeditious, and withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time; a journey which, he believed, I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when, one day, stepping into a barber’s shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered my face, accosted me thus: “Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.” I answered in the affirmative. “Pray,” continued he, “from what part of Scotland?”—I no sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with great agitation. I was so offended at this profusion, that, starting up, I asked him what the d—l he meant by using me so? He begged pardon, telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him; and craved my name. But when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed in a rapture, “How! Rory Random?” The same, I replied, looking at him with astonishment. “What,” cried he, “don’t you know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?” At that instant, recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the transport of my joy, 43 gave him back one half of the suds he had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses were over, I sat down again to be shaved; but the poor fellow’s nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found means to cut me in three places, in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place, and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me. We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more, than that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journey-work, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance, who worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed to go to London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. When I communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small detriment of my fortune. Whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me company, carry my baggage all the way, and, if we should be fatigued before we could perform all the journey, it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road either returning horses or waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a very trifling expense. I was so ravished at this 44 proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing: but he gave me to understand, he had saved money sufficient to answer his own occasions; and that he had a friend in London, who would soon introduce him into business in that capital, and might possibly have it in his power to serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my companion being charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into one knapsack), and our money sewed between the lining and waistband of our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expense on the road. We travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge ale-house, that stood on a by-road, about half a mile from the highway. There we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, an hale buxom lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some progress. About eight o’clock, we were all three, at our own desire, shown into an apartment, furnished with two beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore, searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for that use. I slept very sound till midnight, when I was disturbed by a violent motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor. 45 Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me, with a low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody highwayman loaded with pistols in the next room; then bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board partition, through which I could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before him. I listened with great attention, and heard him say in a terrible tone: “D—n that son of a bitch, Smack, the coachman;—he has served me a fine trick, indeed!—but d—tion seize me, if I don’t make him repent it! I’ll teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others, while he is under articles with me.”

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunity enough to atone for his lost trouble. “I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bett,” replied he, “I never had, nor ever will, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day.—Zounds! there was four hundred pounds in cash to recruit men for the king’s service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers;—had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an officer’s lady, you jade, I would.” “Well, well,” cries Betty, “we must trust to Providence for that;—but did you find nothing worth taking, which escaped the other gentleman of the road?” “Not much, faith,” said the lover; “I gleaned a few things, such as a pair of pops, 46 silver mounted, (here they are;) I took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch, which he had concealed in his breeches. I likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a Quaker, whom the spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion. But what I value myself mostly for, is this here purchase, a gold snuff-box, my girl, with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady’s smock.” Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying: “Hell and d—tion! I am betrayed; who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him, he need not be uneasy; there were only three poor wearied travellers, who, missing the road, had taken up their lodging in the house, and were asleep long ago. “Travellers?” says he, “spies, you b—ch! but no matter—I’ll send them all to hell in an instant.” He accordingly ran towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion; and the third was a Presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before. This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and familiarities that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversation which regarded us, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard. This itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the 47 shoulder, than he started up, calling as loud as he could, “Thieves! thieves! Lord have mercy on us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door, to kill the first man who should enter; for he verily believed himself beset; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded him, that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep. Meanwhile my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven, to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a customer for the future of the value of a pin’s point, provided he might be rescued from the present danger.

Whether or not his disburdening his conscience afforded him any ease, I know not; but he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity; then he moved gently to our bedside, and bade us farewell, telling us, that, as we ran no risk, we might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape; and lastly, shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the window without any danger, for the ground was not above a yard from his feet as he hung on the outside. Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at all free from apprehension, when I reflected on what might be the effect of the highwayman’s 48 disappointment, as he certainly intended to make free with the pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his mind; but, on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman’s example, and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us, as accomplices of the pedlar’s elopement. But I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we knew his profession, and suggested, that, if ever he should meet us again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him withal my confidence in Betty’s good nature, in which he acquiesced; and, during the remaining part of the night, we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.

It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving our window open, cried out: “Ods bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open, in such cold weather.” I feigned to start out of sleep, and withdrawing the curtain, called, “What’s the matter?” When she showed me, I affected surprise, and said, “Bless me! the window was shut when we went to bed.” “I’ll be hanged,” said she, “if Sawney Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his sleep.—Sure I put a chamber-pot under his bed.” With these words she advanced to the bed in which he lay, and finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lack-a-daisy! the rogue is fled!” “Fled!” cried I, with feigned amazement, “God forbid!—Sure he has not robbed us.” Then springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my 49 hand; which having reckoned, I said, “Heaven be praised, our money is all safe:—Strap, look to the knapsack.” He did so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stole nothing belonging to the house? “No, no,” replied she, “he has stole nothing but his reckoning”; which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge, in the midst of his devotion. Betty, after a moment’s pause, withdrew; and immediately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight, than he jumped out of bed, and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to murder the pedlar, if ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said he, “the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.” Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid us of his company, and a thousand fears that were the consequence of it. While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse; but as we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse’s feet at the door.

This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, “O Lord! there’s the highwayman returned!” Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young man?—Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?” Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her, we had met a horseman the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified at the sound of a horse’s feet ever 50 since. She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I could perceive (not without great concern) that this account was not at all satisfactory to her.

CHAPTER NINE

We proceed on our Journey—Are overtaken by an Highwayman, who fires at Strap—Is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride in pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn.

AFTER having paid our score, and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping after us, whom we in a short time recognised to be no other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was? My astonishment had disconcerted me so much, that I did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as mute as before. Strap seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a lamentable voice these words: “For Christ’s sake, have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle,—we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the thief, “you do!—but you never shall be evidence against me in this world, you dog!” So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground, without speaking one word. My comrade’s fate, and my own situation, riveted me to the place where I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection: so that I did not make the least 51 attempt either to run away, or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but before he had time to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coming up, he rode off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by those whose appearance had saved my life.

This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an officer, who, as I afterwards learned, was the person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket-pistols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his non-resistance was altogether owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance of his lordship’s servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me with great address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard. As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, observed a body lying on the ground: at which sight his colour changed, and he pronounced with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder committed! Let us alight.” “No, no,” said one of his followers, “let us rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?” By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them, that he could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg of one of them to assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, in order to its being interred. The captain, foreseeing, that, in case he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse, and give him the spur at the same time, which treatment making the creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was frightened, and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheeling him with “Sirrah, sirrah, gently, gently, etc.”—“Zounds!” cried one of the servants, “sure my lord’s Sorrel is 52 not resty!”—With these words, he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel, disdaining the rein, sprung forward with the captain at a pace that would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth, happily for him, given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his situation. Meanwhile, one of the three who remained at my desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still warm, and breathing; upon which I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having received no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time, the third servant returned with the captain’s horse and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he could. This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which service he rewarded me with half a crown.

The time between this event and dinner, I passed in observing a game at cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive, that the match was not equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a couple of sharpers, who stript them of all their cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very much was, to hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen who seemed to suspect foul play, in these words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my honour?”—I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a 53 character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends, in some sort, for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and promising to treat them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This good humour of the parson inspired the company with so much glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing in the yard. While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a horseman riding towards the inn, stopt all of a sudden, crying out, “Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon; there’s our dog of a doctor coming into the inn.” He immediately concealed his instrument, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his health. This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty, having alighted, and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great solemnity into the kitchen, where, sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked if he would not be pleased to honour us with his company at dinner? To which inter­rogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home. Accordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he rose and moved, with prelatical dignity, to the door, where his journeyman 54 stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted, than the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the devil go with him.—You see how the world wags, gentlemen.—By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth £400 per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for what? why, truly, for £20 a year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications; but—comparisons are odious. I should be glad to know how this swag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow-chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for that:—ay, and a dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year, though I must own, I could never learn in what county they live.—My service t’ye, gentlemen.”

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate all together with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every man’s share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence of some necessary occasion, and mounting his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin: “Ay, ay, this is an old trick of Shuffle: I could not help smiling when he talked of treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifle at the university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No man knows his talents better than I; for I was valet de chambre to Squire Tattle, an 55 intimate companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got himself into a scrape, by pawning some of his lordship’s clothes, on which account he was turned away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord’s conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is really diverting in company. These qualifications make him agreeable wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards, there is not a man within three counties a match for him: the truth is, he is a damnable cheat; and can shift a card with such address, that it is impossible to discover him.” Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked why he had not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they engaged in play? The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate’s knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this demand the exciseman as positively refused, affirming, that whatsoever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up, and having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. The landlord thrusting his neck into the passage, to see if he was gone, shook his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us, if every sinner was to have his deserts.—Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the exciseman.—But 56 I know what:—if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick the beam.—But, masters, this is under the rose,” continued Boniface, with a whisper.

CHAPTER TEN

The Highwayman is taken—We are detained as Evidence against him—Proceed to the next Village—He escapes—We arrive at another Inn, where we go to Bed—In the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—Next Night we lodge at the House of a Schoolmaster—Our Treatment there.

STRAP and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. This highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopt at our inn to join their companion, and take refreshment. When Rifle was dismounted, and placed in the yard, within a circle of peasants armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled me with such terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance, that, going up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would 57 either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded from his adventure by me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough. But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our being detained by the captors as evidence against him, when we were just going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply; and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we had proposed to follow.

About the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination; but, as the justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country, with whom, we understood, he would probably stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret three stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape. This, nevertheless, was the case; for next morning, when they went upstairs to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon the roof, from whence he continued his route along the tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret window, where he skulked until the family were asleep, at which time he ventured downstairs, and let himself out by the street door, which was found open. This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him, who were flushed with hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey without any further molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour, and before night reached a market-town, twenty miles from the place from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at 58 an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return-horses, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed, that the waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights ago; and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day after the next. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster.

About two or three o’clock in the morning, I was waked out of a very profound sleep, by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice: “Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that’s next you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out presently.” This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap, than, starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire! murder! fire!” a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was no other than our fellow-lodger, whom we found lying on the floor scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at the concourse 59 of apparitions that surrounded him.—This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having listed two country fellows overnight, dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep, and expressed himself as above.

When our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift, and a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before, which she had slipt on in the hurry, and her husband, with her petticoat about his shoulders. One had wrapt himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo, with the bolster rolled about his middle. When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, the sergeant slipt into bed, and my companion and I slept without any further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward, in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance, the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long grey hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchen, and, with a cheerful countenance, accosted us in these words: “Salvete, pueri, ingredimini.” I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that 60 language; I therefore answered, without hesitation,—“Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, running toward me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili mi dilectissime! unde venis? a superis, ni fallor!” In short, finding we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel, who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace at the same time, “Deprome quadrimum Sabina, O Thaliarche, merum diota.” This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years old for the use of himself and friends. In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers, by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. “I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old fellow in his Majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table). I am old, ’tis true,—what then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: “Tu ne quæsieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem di dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.”

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us, that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime, he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire 61 for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his friends—permittens divis cætera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drank several bottles of his quadrimum, I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had informed us, that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for half a dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that convenience. Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has conceived a particular affection for us; nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called for?”

I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know, gentlemen,” said he, “for I never mind these matters. Money matters are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan. Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy having consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us, our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. “Eight shillings and sevenpence!” cried Strap; “’tis impossible—you must be mistaken, young woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father, very deliberately; “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed, father,” she replied, “I know my business better.” 62 I could contain my indignation no longer, but said, it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us see the particulars—that’s but reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following items:—

	s.	d.
To bread and beer	0	6
To a fowl and sausages	2	6
To four bottles quadrim.	2	0
To fire and tobacco	0	7
To lodging	2	0
To breakfast	1	0
	8	7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore I contented myself with saying, I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man, and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to live “contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies.” My fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the money, or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught; but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account of this piece of expense, went up to the schoolmaster, and grinning in his face, pronounced with great emphasis, “Semper avarus 63 eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile, “Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

We descry the Waggon—Get into it—Arrive at an Inn—Our Fellow-travellers described—A Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange things.

WE travelled half a mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed; and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: “Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken, that old skinflint should have been damn’d before he had got more than the third of his demand.—’Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah, God help you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs? How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramp’d, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the door? What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows that came in, for a guinea. I’m sure I have beat stouter men than either of them.” And indeed my companion would have fought anybody, when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to firearms, and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him, no part of this extraordinary 64 expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted, and told me, he would have me to know, that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the best squire of the land. Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we descried, towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and by that time we reached it, were both of us so weary, that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We therefore bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey.

Accordingly, the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: “God’s fury! there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great velocity, and a countenance as white as paper. Joey perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay woan’t you sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain—I’se not afear’d of the coptain.” This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder, “Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident, got an 65 empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out in a most dreadful manner, “Blood and thunder, where’s my sword?” At these words, my frighted comrade started up, and at one spring bounced against me with such force, that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime, a female voice cried, “Bless me? what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d—n my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the woman who spoke before, went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never travelled so before. I’m sure, if my lady or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not sleep this night for vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot: I know we shall never be forgiven.”—“Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it don’t signify fretting now—we shall laugh it over as a frolic—I hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in the diligence.”

This discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join in the conversation. But immediately after, another female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great many needless airs—better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with 66 three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it. What then? we are now all upon a footing; therefore let’s be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent. per cent. fornicator. What desperate debts are you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime, give me a kiss, you old fumbler.” These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree, that he cried in a transport, though with a faltering voice, “Ah! you wanton baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl, he, he, he.” This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer (such, we afterwards found, was the profession of this our fellow-traveller). About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap, till such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head, instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit trimmed with silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came limping an old man, with a worsted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as we afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin peaked 67 and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nut-crackers; he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane; and his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two little grey eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck; his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, two feet and a half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder; so that, on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et præterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called bear-skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches, reaching hallway down his thighs, worsted stockings, rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two inches high: he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person; but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not been a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady’s 68 woman. We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told the landlord they would sup by themselves. The innkeeper replied, that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons; but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no sooner said, than all of us declared against the proposal; and Miss Jenny, our other female passenger, observed, that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At this hint, the captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big, without speaking; while his yoke-fellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about “Creature!” which Miss Jenny overhearing, stept up to her, saying, “None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha—I’ll assure you, no such creature as you, neither—no ten pound sneaker—no quality coupler.”—Here the captain interposed, with a “D—me, madam, what do you mean by that?”—“D—n you, sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler?—’Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions—what, I suppose you think I don’t know you?—Egad, you and your helpmate are well met—a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked together.” “Blood and wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour of my wife, madam!—Hell and d—tion! No man in England durst say so much. I would flea him—carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my supper.” So saying, he 69 drew his sword, and flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him, she did not value his resentment a louse. In the midst of this quarrel, the master of the waggon alighted, who understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his lady would take umbrage, and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper all together. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments: the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion’s bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward; but, in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel’s chamber, and without any hesitation, went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain being at another end of the room, groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his own chamber-pot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton night-cap, than it came into his mind, that he had mistaken Miss Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of this conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frightened poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched; especially when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap 70 was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing, but, “I take God to witness, she’s a virgin for me.” Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe, which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald pate, till he roared, “Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stink-pots on me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb. What! I warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor withered sapless twig?” The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction. In the meantime, we were alarmed with the cry of “Rape! murder! rape!” which Miss Jenny pronounced with great vociferation.—“O! you vile abominable old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of my virtue? But I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will—Help! for heaven’s sake! help!—I shall be ravished—ruined! help!” Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded, when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor captain, shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags, with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her bed. In the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep; told us, she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep; and bade us take notice of what we saw, for 71 she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained, than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate; that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you know you laid this snare for me, but you shan’t succeed, for I will hang myself before you shall get a farthing off me.” So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the captain, who told us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d—ned mistake; but I’ll be revenged on him who was the occasion of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible I could mean no harm to you.”—“I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stole away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.

72

CHAPTER TWELVE

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—An Affair between the Captain and me—The Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five Guineas for a Release—We are in danger of losing a Meal—The Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that occasion—An Account of Captain Weazel and his Lady—The Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s Mirth at the Captain’s Expense.

NEXT morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I should be disposed to walk—at the same time I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatened, with many oaths, to sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while. The more submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him, or he would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying, he would box with him for a guinea. Weazel replied, with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad that is willing to make atoonement for his offence; and an 73 that woan’t satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. An yaw woan’t box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw,—woan’t yaw, my lad?”—Strap, after some hesitation, answered, “Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the company that I had always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise, on the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps, but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning razors, I could perceive the captain’s colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness, “No, no, no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length Weazel recovering himself, returned towards me, and, with a ferocious countenance, asked, “Who the devil are you? will you fight me?” With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-lounges, skipping backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company.

While he was in this situation, his wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, falling upon his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended 74 without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that, when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared, than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result of her own invitation. The waggoner understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money; to which advice he replied, with great vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the cockatrice!”—“Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny: “I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of justice, Isaac trembled, and, bidding Joey stay, asked with a quivering voice, what she would have? She told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked 75 purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be irreparable, she would give him a release for an hundred guineas. “An hundred guineas!” cried he, in an ecstasy, “an hundred furies! Where should a poor old wretch like me have an hundred guineas? If I had so much money, d’ye think I should be found travelling in a waggon at this season of the year?” “Come, come,” replied Jenny, “none of your miserly artifice here. You think I don’t know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.” Isaac finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds. At last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid, with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which accommodation the sick person made shift to get into the waggon, and we set forwards in great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to walk.

This morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival;—for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that very day on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble; and don’t you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being 76 altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well-nigh tainted.” “Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know, my lord said to me, with a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’ And I answered cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.’ Upon which the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.”

We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption, or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits, entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great number; and rallying her old gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied, “The passengers in the waggon might be d—ned,—their betters must be served before them—they supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed, that Captain Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But the captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon; swearing at the same time, that, could he appear with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration. Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the victuals 77 into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her, than he cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My dear Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. This menace had like to have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the landlord interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch. He informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town; who falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage-coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that one of the gentleman’s servants whom we left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many 78 years, while he lived separate from his lady: but, upon their reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he kept; when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed that he should marry his mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the army. This expedient was agreed to; and Weazel is now, by his lordship’s interest, ensign in ——’s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage, which we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry of “A highwayman!” as soon as an horseman should appear. This scheme we put in practice towards the dusk, when we descried a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should all be robbed, than a general consternation arose. Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands, uttered lamentable cries; and the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, “’Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed? Get up, for shame, and behave like a soldier and a man of honour.” Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he, at the same time trembling with such agitation, that the whole carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much, that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon as ever was drummed 79 out of a regiment.—Stop the waggon, Joey—let me get out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also.”

So saying, she leapt out with great agility. By this time the horseman came up with us, and happened to be a gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going up to the waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone, demanded, “Who have we got here?” Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings, which if you rob me of, we must all starve together.” “Who’s that sobbing in the other corner?” said the supposed highwayman. “A poor unfortunate woman,” answered Mrs. Weazel, “upon whom I beg you for Christ’s sake to have compassion.” “Are you maid or wife?” said he. “Wife, to my sorrow,” cried she. “Who or where is your husband?” continued he. “My husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army, and was left sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken, madam,” said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon.—But pray what smell is that? Sure your lap-dog has befouled himself;—let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.” Here he laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under his wife’s petticoats, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling captain, being detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter?—what’s the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman, “I only called in to inquire 80 after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain.” So saying, he clapt spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment. It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away, before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do?—Don’t you remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied she, “I think I do remember something of the fellow—but you know I seldom converse with people of his station.” “Hey-day,” cried Joey, “do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me at my Lord Trippet’s table.” “And what may his neame be, coptain?” said Joey. “His name?—his name,” replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.” “Waunds!” cried Joey, “a has changed his own neame then! for I’se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter.” This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, “It was no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected. And we ought to bless God for our narrow escape.” “Bless God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil! for what? had he been a highwayman, I should have eat his blood, body, and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha!” cried Miss Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill indeed, captain.” The usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice, that Captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons, and worked out his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel’s 81 expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer taking hold of this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer. I’ll have him bound over to the peace.” This second sneer procured another laugh against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part our journey.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s Conjecture—The Mystery explained by Joey—We arrive at London—Our Dress and Appearance described—We are insulted in the Street—An Adventure in an Ale-house—We are imposed upon by a waggish Footman—Set to rights by a Tobacconist—Take Lodgings—Dive for a Dinner—An Accident at our Ordinary.

WE arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence, in a short time, he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment! Without speaking a word, he set down the light, and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what was the matter? he replied, with a broken accent, “God have mercy on us!—I have seen the devil!” Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation; and much more so, when I heard the sound of bells approaching our chamber, 82 and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these words, “Christ have mercy upon us!—there he comes!”

At that instant, a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted, and, in a violent fright, shrunk under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, and, after giving us several severe dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of Heaven with great devotion; and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well-nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so amazed, that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless, and saw him come straight up to me. When he reached the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to belong to a human creature, “Where is Ralph?” I made no reply; upon which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, “Where is Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these words, than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance; which the apparition having listened to, tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good while before I could recover myself so 83 far as to speak; and when at length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he assured me, that the first must certainly be the soul of some person damned, which appeared by the chains about his legs, (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morrice-bells to the clanking of massy chains.) As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted to it to torment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep, and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill. In the morning, Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him the old man was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it, under the name of Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which continued six or seven days longer. At length, we entered the great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up. Next morning, all the passengers parted different ways; while my companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and marched behind me in the street, with the knapsack on his back, as usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had 84 dressed myself to the greatest advantage—that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread stockings. My hair, which was of the deepest red, hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber’s bason, in the shallowness of the crown, and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a much less awkward manner; but a short crop-eared wig that very much resembled Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, hook nose, and high cheek-bones, rendered him on the whole a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry.

As we walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived; and was answered by a stare, accompanied with the word, “Anan!” Upon which I came up in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, and whipping his horses, with a “Gee ho!” which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far, that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing. While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, an hackney coachman driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a dexterous management of the reins, made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit, he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate than the 85 rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the public room, where we cleaned ourselves as well as we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding by our dialect that we were from Scotland, came up to me, and, with a grave countenance, asked how long I had been caught? As I did not know the meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying, it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the same time, taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a match. However, Strap having either more courage, or less caution, could not put up with the insults that I suffered; but told him, in a peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his betters.” Then the wit, going towards him, asked him what he had got in his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal, or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear, as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and, in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned 86 the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play, by G—d.”

This assurance gave me fresh spirits, and going up to my adversary, who, by his pale countenance, did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over the bench, and fell to the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victory. After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined, he must be altogether as conspicuous here, as in the borough he represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook ourselves, therefore, to the street, where, seeing a footman standing at a door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron lived? This member of the party-coloured fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged.

87

We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man, by his countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served. We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left and to the right, and to the left again; but, instead of seeing a lane before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a small snuff shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman, than he informed us, we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town; and that it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House. I then asked if he could recommend us to a lodging. He readily gave us a line to one of his acquaintance, who kept a chandler’s shop not far from St. Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bedroom, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of 2s. per week, so very small, that, when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs. About dinnertime, our landlord asked us how we proposed to live? to which inter­rogation we answered, that we would be directed by him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of eating in this town, for people of your condition—the one more creditable and expensive than 88 the other; the first is, to dine at an eating-house, frequented by well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him to understand, that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much better with our circumstances than the other. “Infamous,” cried he, “God forbid! there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman, with a laced waistcoat, dine in that manner very comfortably for threepence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear witness—I will go along with you to-day, and introduce you.” He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade us observe him, and do as he did; and, walking a few paces, dived into a cellar, and disappeared in an instant.

I followed his example, and descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place, or on board wages, who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cowheel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of the steps, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook, as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer, belonging to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations, that made my hair stand on end. While he entertained 89 the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and, after a hearty curse on the poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table, scratching his rump with a woeful countenance, emptied a saltcellar in her hand, and stripping down the patient’s stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamation, broke forth into such a hideous yell, as made the whole company tremble; then, seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s insisting on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He swore he would pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN

We visit Strap’s Friend—A Description of him—His Advice—We go to Mr. Cringer’s House—Are denied Admittance—An Accident befalls Strap—His Behaviour thereupon—An extraordinary Adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose all my Money.

IN the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house, which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood; whither we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any practised heretofore; and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle; for, although I could easily understand every word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face frightfully pitted with the smallpox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a Serjeant’s old sash, and a tie periwig, with a fore-top three inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the Second’s reign. After he had received Strap (who was related to him) very courteously, he inquired of him who I was, and, being informed, took me by the hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my situation, he assured me that 91 he would do me all the service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise; and, while he spoke these words, eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and muttering, “O Ch—st! O Ch—st! fat a saight is here?” I soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress?” “Dress,” answered he; “you may caal it fat you please in your country, but I vaw to Gad, ’tis a masquerade here. No Christian will admit such a figure into his hawse. Upon my conscience! I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s market? God bless my eye-saight! you look like a cousin-german of Ouran Outang.”—I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction into business. “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching his cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary; but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes; at which he stared at me, and repeated, “Ch—st!” I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me with his advice, which he promised to give me frankly; and, as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with these carroty locks, which he said were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind. And, as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back, and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand. As we walked along Strap triumphed greatly in our reception 92 with his friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would, in a day or two, provide for him with some good master; and “Now,” says he, “you shall see how I shall fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London, and that’s a bold word, can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice of a good handsome bob, for which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all his dependants, he himself being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day; because his lordship made one at the minister’s between eight and nine o’clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer’s door, Strap, to give me an instance of his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so long that he alarmed the whole street; and a window opening in the second storey of the next house, a chamber-pot was discharged upon him so successfully that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime a footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked with a stern countenance if it was I who made such a d—ned noise, and what I wanted? I told him I had business with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which he clapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his 93 presumption; but he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the urine out of his periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. Indeed there was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know. Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man passing by me, stopped of a sudden, and took up something, which having examined, he turned and presented it to me with these words: “Sir, you have dropped half a crown.” I was not a little surprised at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe: upon which I pulled out my purse (for I had bought one since I came to town), and reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing.

“Well, then,” says he, “so much the better—this is a godsend; and, as you two were present when I picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.” I was astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely refused to take any part of the sum. “Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you are too modest—I see you are strangers; but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morning.” I would have declined this invitation, but Strap whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied. “Where shall we go?” said the stranger, “I am quite ignorant of this part of the town.” I informed him that we were in the same situation: upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we 94 should find open; and, as we walked together, he began in this manner: “I find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen. My grandmother by the father’s side was of your country; and I am so prepossessed in its favour that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are a very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago. There’s your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such ancient families here in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew, as well as if they had been his mother tongue. And, for honesty, I once had a servant, his name was Gregory Macgregor: I would have trusted him with untold gold.”—This eulogium on my native country gained my affection so strongly that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap’s eyes swam in tears.

At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the fire smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drank egg-flip? To which question we answering in the negative, he assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition very palatable, and drank heartily; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman, turning upon the snares that young unexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary; and warned us of them with so much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our new friend 95 began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him awake. “Suppose,” said he, “we should take a hand at whist for pastime. But let me see, that won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.” Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I wish we could find a fourth hand.” While we were in this perplexity, the person whom we found in the house at our entrance overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see (shaking the ashes into the fire), and rather than you should be balked, I don’t care if I take a hand with you for a trifle; but remember I won’t play for anything of consequence.” We accepted this proffer with pleasure.

Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that, in a short time, I was half a crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but indifferently. Therefore, I voted for giving him his revenge; and, cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. My good fortune attended me still; and in less than an hour we had got thirty shillings of their money; for, as they lost, they grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant 96 goddess began to veer about; and we were very soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap’s face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone; upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled me so much, that I challenged him to a game of piquet for a crown; and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour, to my inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving, by my disconsolate looks, the situation of my heart, which well-nigh bursted with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up and went away with my money, began in this manner: “I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly repair it, was it in my power. But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far as it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and your passions too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better. However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I don’t half like him. Did not you observe me tip you the wink to leave off in time?” I answered, “No.” “No,” continued he, “you 97 was too eager to mind anything but the game. But harkee,” said he, in a whisper, “are you satisfied of that young man’s honesty? his looks are a little suspicious; but I may be mistaken; he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you; this is a very wicked town.” I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade’s integrity, and that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety at my loss. “Oho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord, see what’s to pay.”—The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Strap moralises—Presents his Purse to me—We inform our Landlord of my Misfortune—He unravels the Mystery—I present myself to Cringer—He recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a Fellow-Dependant, who explains the Characters of Cringer and Staytape—And informs me of the Method to be pursued at the Navy Office and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed.

IN our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap, with a hideous groan, observed, that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this observation I made no reply; and he went on, “God send us well out of this place; we have not been in London eight-and-forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight-and-forty thousand misfortunes.—We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, pissed upon, and at last stripped 98 of our money; and I suppose by and by we shall be stripped of our skins.—Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own folly; Solomon says, Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wise. Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.” This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool? Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still, and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion, uttered, “Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people’s misfortunes: but nemo omnibus horis sapit—that’s all—that’s all.” Upon which a silence ensued, that brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him at my distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, “I know what you think; but I scorn your thoughts. There’s all I have in the world; take it, and I’ll perhaps get more for you before that be done. If not, I’ll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and starve with you; for though I be a poor cobbler’s son, I am no scout.” I was so touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also; and we mingled our tears together for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half guineas and half a crown, which I would have returned to him, 99 saying, he knew better than I how to manage it; but he absolutely refused my proposal, and told me, it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice or two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who had been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat, nay even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity; for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer’s, we acquainted him with the particulars; at which he shook his head, and told us, we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected with the master’s disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, 100 I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. I found the good effects of my liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued standing for three quarters of an hour, during which time I saw a great many young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scotland, pass and repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience chamber; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them, that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes. At parting, Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner; then turning about towards me, asked what were my commands? When he understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which, however, he pretended he could not do, till he had consulted the letter again; to save him that trouble, I told him my name was Random. Upon which he went on, “Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I think I remember the name”; and very well he might, for this very individual Mr. Cringer had many a time rode before my grandfather’s cloakbag in quality of a footman. “Well,” says he, “you propose to go on board a man of war, as surgeon’s mate.” I replied by a low bow. “I believe it will be a difficult matter,” continued he, “to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to protect them. However, some ships will 101 soon be put in commission, and then we shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he left me exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being employed, on the recommendation of his friend the schoolmaster, by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per week, besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight, in which time I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depended on the member’s interest; but was treated with much more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire, for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable: but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going to the door to speak with him. One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him with a bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape, and the young ladies; then, after a whisper which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the word honour repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice and assistance I 102 might depend upon, and having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he told me I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that instant my fellow-dependant coming out after me, overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and making up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly. This address I looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he made; for he was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, a green silk waistcoat trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a Spencer wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded cane in his hand.

“I perceive,” says he, “you are but lately come from Scotland; pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I suppose it is no secret—and I may possibly give you some advice that may be serviceable; for I have been surgeon’s second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world.” I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which when he had learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much in the same circumstances about a year ago; that he had relied on Cringer’s promises, until his money (which was considerable), as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of money, he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of “idle,” “debauched fellow”: that, after he had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant, to no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum, wherewith he bribed the secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy: that he had gone on board, where he remained nine months; at the end of which the ship was put out of commission; and 103 he said the company were to be paid off in Broad Street the very next day: that his relations, being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command, he came to his levee every morning as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeons’ Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it was necessary. “Necessary!” cried he, “O Lord, O Lord! I find I must instruct you—come along with me, and I’ll give you some information about that matter.” So saying, he carried me into an alehouse, where he called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to the board, desiring them to order a letter for me to the Surgeons’ Hall, that I might be examined touching my skill in surgery: that the surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the board, who would open it in my presence, and read the contents. After which I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. That the expense of this qualification, for second mate of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half a guinea and half a crown, besides the present to the secretary, which consisted of a three-pound-twelve piece.

This calculation was like a thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after having thanked him for his information and advice. He condoled me on this occasion; 104 but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was run out at present, but to-morrow or next day he was certain of receiving a considerable sum, of which he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket expense, until he should receive his own money. With a good deal of pressing he was prevailed upon to take five shillings, telling me that he might have what money he wanted at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till to-morrow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myself, without any servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the lousy tailor to whom I heard him turn you over. “How,” cried I; “is Mr. Staytape a tailor?” “No less, I’ll assure you,” answered he; “and, I confess, more likely to serve you than the member; for, provided you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.” I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at Cringer’s usage, that I would never set foot within his door again. After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to meet the next day at the same place, in order to set out for the city. I went immediately to Strap, and related everything which had happened; but he did not at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by appearances. “However,” said he, “if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe.”

105

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

My new Acquaintance breaks an Appointment—I proceed by myself to the Navy Office—Address myself to a Person there, who assists me with his Advice—Write to the Board—They grant me a Letter to the Surgeons at the Hall—Am informed of the Beau’s Name and Character—Find him—He makes me his Confident in an amour—Desires me to pawn my Linen, for his Occasions—I recover what I lent him—Some curious Observations of Strap on that Occasion—His Vanity.

IN the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain; and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, in hopes of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his breach of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below, many of whom made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I liked; and asked if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent to the board, to obtain an order for examination. He answered me in broad Scotch, that he would show me the copy of what he had writ for himself, by the direction of another who knew the form; and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me that, if I was expeditious, I might send it in to the board before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the messenger; who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the same time. Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal composed; and as I 106 met with so much civility from this stranger, I desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau. He agreed to dine with me at the cook’s shop which I frequented; and on our way thither, carried me to ’Change, where I was in some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the person who had broke his appointment).

I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way towards the other end of the town, imparted to my companion his behaviour towards me. Upon which, he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to the name of Beau Jackson (so he was called at the Navy Office), although he did not know him personally; that he had the character of a good-natured careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from anybody that would lend; that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle at bottom; but his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This account made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find out the debtor. This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson’s history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to a person who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will and power, entitling that person to lift his wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of his death. That he was still under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time upon his security at the rate of 50 per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his funds would do little more than pay what he had already 107 received, this moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose name was Thomson) had entertained me with this account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed for third mate of a third-rate, about four months ago; since which time, he had constantly attended at the Navy Office in hope of a warrant, having been assured from the beginning, both by a Scotch member and one of the commissioners to whom the member recommended him, that he should be put into the first vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven appointed to the same station almost every week: that now, being utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the secretary, without which he was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for this young fellow, which, I believe, proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and, as he lived at Wapping, I desired him to take a share of my bed.

Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called before the board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half a crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the hands of the clerk at Surgeons’ Hall, together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my name. By this time my whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeons’ Hall for my examination, which would come on in a fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured me, he would pawn everything he had in the world, even to his razors, before I should want. But this expedient 108 I absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the word soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged, on his knees, I would think no more of that scheme. “God preserve us all in our right wits!” cried he, “would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock?—Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcass! and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done. What signifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one enjoys not content? And, in the next, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my deathbed, than be cut off (God bless us) by a musket shot, as it were in the very flower of one’s age, in the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do not they make unto themselves wings? as the wise man saith; and does not Horace observe, Non domus et fundus, non æris acervus et auri, Ægroto domini deduxit corpore febres, Non animo curas? I could moreover mention many other sayings in contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books; but, as I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure you that, if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both be slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also; and peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle. Therefore, I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small things, and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence shall send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid.” I could not help smiling at 109 this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes all the time; and promised to do nothing of that sort without his consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration; and told me in a few days he should receive a week’s wages, which should be at my service; but advised me, in the meantime, to go in quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me.

I accordingly trudged about from one end of the town to the other for several days, without being able to learn anything certain concerning him; and, one day, being extremely hungry, and allured by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an intention to gratify my appetite with twopenny worth of beef; when, to my no small surprise, I found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me by the hand, saying, he was glad to see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in the afternoon. I was so well pleased with this rencontre, and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only recovering my own money before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this hope my sanguine complexion suggested, though the account Thomson gave me of him ought to have moderated my expectation. When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and adjourned with me to an alehouse hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand again, he began thus: “I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me. But I daresay you will forgive me, when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received 110 from a certain lady, whom, harkee, (but this is a great secret,) I am to marry very soon. You think, this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for all that—a five thousand pounder, I’ll assure you, besides expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging about me—but a whim, you know; and then one would not balk one’s good fortune. You saw that footman who dined with us—he’s one of the honestest fellows that ever wore a livery. You must know, it was by his means I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress; ay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my money; but what of that? things are now brought to a bearing. I have—come a little this way—I have proposed marriage, and the day is fixed; she’s a charming creature; writes like an angel. O Lord! she can repeat all the English tragedies as well as e’er a player in Drury Lane! and indeed is so fond of plays, that, to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre. But you shall see—you shall see—here’s the last letter she sent me.”—With these words, he put into my hand, and I read, to the best of my remembrance, as follows:—

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and, squeezing it, 111 cried, “There is style for you! what do you think of this billet-doux?” I answered, “It might be sublime for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension.”—“Oho!” said he, “I believe it is both tender and sublime—she’s a divine creature!—and so doats upon me! Let me see, what shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the first place, I shall do for you—I’m a man of few words; but, say no more, that’s determined—whether would you advise me to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the state; or lay out my wife’s fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?”—I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an estate and improve; especially since he had already seen so much of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a country life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that, although he had seen a great deal of the world, both by land and sea, having cruised three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle; and to carry his wife along with him.

I had nothing to object to his proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy? “As to that,” he replied, “nothing obstructs my happiness, but the want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or two; and I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear charmer; but there will be a recall at Chatham next week, whither the ship’s books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money.” “If that be all,” said I, “there’s no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days.”—“Yes, faith! but there is,” said he; “you don’t know how many rivals I have, who 112 would take all advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience of her passion for the world; the least appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin all: and such offers don’t occur every day.” I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed: at this question, he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I must be obliged to some friend or other—do you know of nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two?”—I assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. “No!” said he, “that’s hard—that’s hard. I wish I had anything to pawn; upon my soul you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of that kind have you got?”—I answered, “Six ruffled and six plain”;—at which he testified great surprise, and swore that no gentleman ought to have more than four. “How many d’ye think I have got?” continued he. “But this and another, as I hope to be saved! I daresay we shall be able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity—let me see—let me see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate computation; now suppose we pawn them for half price, eight times eight is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; zounds! that will do; give me your hand.”—“Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I, “don’t dispose of my linen without my consent; first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters.” He protested he had not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts.

This piece of assurance incensed me so much, that I swore I would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and, as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows. At this expression, he laughed aloud, 113 and then complained it was d—n’d hard, that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune, but mine also. “You talk of pawning my shirts,” said I, “suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson? I believe it would fetch a good round sum.”—“No, hang it,” said he, “I can’t appear decently without my hanger, or egad it should go.” However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the sign of the three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. “Two guineas!” said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; “this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty shillings; however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants”; and accordingly, he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson, and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself.

After looking at the money some time, he said, “D—n it! it don’t signify—this won’t do my business; so you may as well take half a guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept.” I thanked him kindly; but I refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively raw, or I would not talk in that manner. “Blood,” cried he, “I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won’t borrow of 114 his friend when he is in want; ’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will; if not, d—n me if ever I ask it.” When I reflected on my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded; and, after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night imparted my day’s adventures to Strap, who rejoiced at the good luck, saying, “I told you, if he was a Scotchman, you was safe enough; and who knows but this marriage may make us all? You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. Ecod! I say nothing; but yesterday morning, as I was a shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room—a fine buxom wench, i’faith! and she threw so many sheep’s eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh—sh—shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose. Whereby he swore a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace. Omen haud malum! Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber uses it for the head. And as the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker; for what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and, moreover, speak Latin. But I will say no more, for I despise vanity; nothing is more vain than vanity.” 115 With these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax candle’s end, which he applied to his forehead; and, upon examination, I found he had combed his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole dress become a very smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I go to Surgeons’ Hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson—Am examined—A fierce Dispute arises between two of the Examiners—Jackson disguises himself to attract Respect—Is detected—In hazard of being sent to Bridewell—He treats us at a Tavern—Carries us to a Night House—A troublesome Adventure there—We are committed to the Round House—Carried before a Justice—His Behaviour.

WITH the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up, and inquiring into the state of his amour, understood it was still undetermined by reason of his friend’s absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this place? he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed 116 he might use the other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At that instant a young fellow came out from the place of examination with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner, we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble as much as if it had been the sound of the last trumpet: however, there was no remedy: I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table; one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious tone that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where was you born?” To which I answered, “In Scotland.”—“In Scotland,” said he; “I know that very well; we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here; you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt: I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?” I named the place of my nativity, which he had never before heard of: he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion; swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was a great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, to pretend to sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every apprentice in 117 England was bound seven years at least; that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker, but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.

This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits, but, on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarce able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to me, with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me, I need not to be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm; then bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head, and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method of cure proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had perused. Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the question, I know not, but every member of the board deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the animal risibile, in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had been bruised by a fall, what would you do?” I answered, I would bleed him immediately. “What,” said he, “before you had tied up his 118 arm?” But this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and then said, with a supercilious smile, “So you think by such treatment the patient might recover?”—I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may be,” resumed he, “I won’t answer for your foresight; but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed”; I answered I did not; and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopped me, by saying, with some precipitation, “Nor never will. I affirm, that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.”—“Pardon me, brother,” says the fat gentleman, “there is very good authority.”—Here he was interrupted by the other, with “Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority. Nullius in verba. I stand upon my own bottom.”—“But, sir, sir,” replied his antagonist, “the reason of the thing shows.”—“A fig for reason,” cried this sufficient member, “I laugh at reason; give me ocular demonstration.” The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This innuendo enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone, exclaimed, “What, sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?” By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of the disputants, and raised their voices all together, when the chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour I was called in again, received my qualification sealed up, and was ordered to pay five shillings.

119

I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, “I will, when I have got my change”; upon which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall. This disbursement sunk my finances to thirteenpence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change of his dress, which was varied in half an hour from what I have already described, to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old smoked tie wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great-coat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted hose; and his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting.

When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me, it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience for the effects of it. At length he was called in, but whether the oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity more 120 than usual in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not; he was discovered to be an impostor, and put into the hands of the beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance, and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through the outward hall as a prisoner, and was very much alarmed and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable voice and piteous aspect to me, and some others who knew him, “For God’s sake, gentlemen, bear witness that I am the same individual John Jackson, who served as surgeon’s second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell.” It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever lived to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address; we therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half a crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and, in a few moments, resumed his former gaiety; swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend it every shilling before he went to bed in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o’clock at night, and as I had a great way to walk, through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed upon to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise.

He conducted us to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way, where we continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicsome: I in particular was so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench, at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire before we 121 parted. Accordingly, when we had paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, where I immediately attached myself to a fair one, with whom I proposed to spend the remaining part of the night; but she not relishing my appearance, refused to grant my request before I should have made her an acknowledgment; which not suiting with my circumstances, we broke off our correspondence, to my no small mortification and resentment, because I thought the mercenary creature had not done justice to my merit. In the meantime, Mr. Jackson’s dress had attracted the inclinations and assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them; till at length, notwithstanding the sprightly sallies of those charmers, sleep began to exert his power over us all; and our conductor called, “To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a great deal at first; but, after some recollection, he seized the two Dulcineas who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore, if they did not immediately restore his money, he would charge a constable with them.

The good lady at the bar, seeing what had passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then, with great composure, asked what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore, if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her whores committed to Bridewell. “Robbed,” cried she, “robbed in my house! Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my reputation.” At that instant seeing the constable and watch enter, she proceeded, “What! 122 you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for defamation.” While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober, the lady whose favours I had solicited, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried, “They are all concerned”; and desired the constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable in his turn with the landlady and her whole bevy: upon which we were carried all together prisoners to the Round House; where Jackson, after a word of comfort to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning before the justice. “Ay, ay,” says the bawd, “we shall see whose oath will most signify.” In a little time, the constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years, and, although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes, through her interest with the justices, to whom she, and all of her employment, pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the preference; and she can procure evidence to swear whatever she shall please to desire of them. So that unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves happily quit for 123 a month’s hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions at the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they would come to any composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in the state of the damned ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my last shilling, it was morning; and I proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners, but by order of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin; and I cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation. About nine o’clock we were escorted to the house of a certain justice, not many miles distant from Covent Garden; who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows: “So, Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man—What den of rogues 124 have you been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he continued, “Ay, ay, thieves, I see—old offenders—O your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house—yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine—you have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from transportation; but we shall save you the trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation at their expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent which you have assumed? but it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gahagan.”

Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he valued himself much; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his sides, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who affronts me upon the bench; but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will; for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and to complete his discovery, continued his threats—“Now, I am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it—you tremble all over—your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,” raising his voice, “you’ll 125 be hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as well as your own miserable soul, if you had been detected and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and addressing himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young people, when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I carry my Qualification to the Navy Office—The Nature of it—The Behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s Concern for my Absence—A Battle between him and a Blacksmith—The troublesome Consequence of it—His Harangue to me—His Friend the Schoolmaster recommends me to a French Apothecary, who entertains me as a Journeyman.

I WOULD willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy Office before one o’clock; accordingly we went thither, and gave them to the secretary, who opened and read them; and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck 126 them altogether on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies? to which inter­rogation he answered, No. Then I ventured to inquire if any ships were to be put in commission soon? At which question he surveyed me with a lock of ineffable contempt, and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door, without deigning us another word. We went downstairs, and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some of the commissioners went snacks. For which reason each of them had provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give?

This was a vexatious question to me, who, far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary, had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off towards my own lodgings, cursing my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence. Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he should never see me again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost distracted, and, after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of my adventure, I told him I had met with an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with 127 whom I spent the evening and night, but being very much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened, if Strap should happen to come while I should be asleep. I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three o’clock in the afternoon; and presented a figure to my eyes, that I could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons’ Hall, had inquired for me there to no purpose; from thence he found his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon ’Change, in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.

At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him information about me; and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith’s ’prentice, seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he inquired after was not a Scotchman: Strap replied with great eagerness, “Yes, and had on a brown coat with long skirts.” “The same,” said the blacksmith, “I saw him pass by an hour ago.” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands, “Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?” “Towards Tyburn in a cart,” said he; “if you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.” This piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half a farthing. “No, no,” said the other, stripping, “I’ll have none of your money—you 128 Scotchmen seldom carry any about with you—but I’ll fight you for love.” There was a ring immediately formed by the mob; and Strap finding he could not get off honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till, finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man.

The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty, and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an observation which was often in his mouth, namely, “that surely London is the devil’s drawing-room.” As neither of us had dined, he desired me to get up; and the milk-woman coming round at that instant, he went downstairs, 129 and brought up a quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to eighteenpence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster.

He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order to choose and pursue some one that might procure me bread; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s boy. My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap’s return interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie wig which he wore when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed me thus: “To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning—and indeed look like a gentleman; for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them. On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler’s son—my mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took to drinking, which you very well know—but everybody has failings—humanum est errare. Now, for myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably 130 well made, and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek—but what of that? perhaps I might also say that I know a little of the world—but that is to no purpose—though you be gentle and I simple, it does not follow but that I who am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now this is the case—my kinsman the schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related to me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently—his mother and my grandmother’s sister’s nephew—no, that’s not it—my grandfather’s brother’s daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree, but this I know, he and I are cousins seven times removed.” My impatience to know the good office he had done me got the better of my temper, and interrupted him at this place, with, “D—n your relation and pedigree! if the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me, why don’t you tell me without all this preamble?” When I pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for some time with a grave countenance, and then went on: “Surely my pedigree is not to be d—n’d, because it is not so noble as yours. I am very sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late—you was always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Perriwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I, God forgive us, played so many unlucky tricks, while we were at school. But I will no longer detain you in suspense, because, doubtless, nothing is more uneasy than doubt—dubio, procul dubio, nil dubius. My friend, or relation, or which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you—for, you may be sure, I did not fail to let him know your good qualities—by the by, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for business in this country—I say my relation has spoke 131 in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and, on his recommendation, you may have fifteen pounds per year, bed and board, whenever you please.” I was too much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately accompanying me to the house of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay or neglect on my part.

We were informed that the schoolmaster was in company at a public-house in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his usual term of admiration: “O Ch—st! I suppose, when you heard of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leapt out of the window; did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way! It is a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some post in your career. O my conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation,—the very penetralia,—even in bed with my wife; your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The den of Cacus or Sanctum Sanctorum could not have hid me from you. But come along, the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house, I will present you to him forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr. Lavement, here’s the young man of whom I spoke to you.” The apothecary, who was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles like the alforjas of a baboon; and a mouth so accustomed 132 to that contraction which produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, called canine;—this person, I say, after having eyed me some time, said, “Oho, ’tis very well, Mons. Concordance;—young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre—and come to mine house to-marrow morning: Mons. Concordance vil show you de way.” Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room, could hear him say, “Ma foi! c’est un beau garçon, c’est un galliard.” As I had, by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language, and understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve before me, might possible discover something in discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But, before I entered upon business, the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave me credit for a suit of clothes to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me with a new hat, on the same terms; so that, in a few days, I hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, an earthen chamber-pot without a handle, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror, the rest of its ornaments 133 having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

The Characters of Mr. Lavement, his Wife, and Daughter—Some Anecdotes of the Family—The Mother and Daughter rivals—I am guilty of a Mistake that gives me present Satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome Consequences.

NEXT day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel, well dressed, came in, on pretence of finding a phial for some use or other; and taking an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. At dinner, the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that this was my master’s only daughter, who would have a very handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her; that she had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected. In particular, she harboured the most perfect hatred for his countrymen, in which disposition she resembled her mother, who was an Englishwoman; and, by the hints they dropped, I learned the grey mare was the better horse; that she was a matron of a 134 high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her dependants; that she loved diversions, and looked upon Miss as her rival in all parties; which, indeed, was the true cause of all her disappointments, for, had the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured to refuse her demands.

Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she looked another way, convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his behaviour in presence of the captain, made me believe his chief torment was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being honoured with one word from either mother or daughter, the latter (as I understood from the maids) having, at table, one day expressed some surprise that her papa should entertain such an awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of information, and next Sunday, (it being my turn to take my diversion,) dressed myself in my new clothes, to the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure. After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap, and some of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by Miss, who, not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away without jostling her; so I was forced to remain where I was, with my eyes fixed on the ground, and my face glowing with blushes. At length her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word “Creature.” From this day 135 forward, she came into the shop fifty times every day, upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition, that I remained insensible to all her arts; and, notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to yield her the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the favourable impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day, in particular, she ordered me to brush my master’s coat, but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determined it in my favour; and this good office I owed not to any esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let people be never so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them justice; but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some people were not ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This insinuation of some people and some folks, put me upon observing the behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future; and it was not long before I had reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the house. In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my master, who would often say in 136 French, “Mardie! c’est un bon garçon.” He had a great deal of business; but as he was mostly employed among his fellow-refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for medicines was not great, for he was the most expert man at a succedaneum of any apothecary in London; so that I have been sometimes amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up a physician’s prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could invent into crab’s eyes; common oil, into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar, into balsamic syrup; Thames water, into aqua cinnamoni; turpentine, into capivi; and a hundred more costly preparations were produced in an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner, as that it could not possibly be known, for which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great service. Among many nostrums which he possessed, there was one for the venereal disease, that brought him a good deal of money; and this he concealed so artfully from me, that I could never learn its composition. But during the eight months I staid in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use of it, that three parts in four of those who took it were fain to confirm the cure by a salivation under the direction of another doctor. This bad success, in all appearance, attached him the more to his specific; and before I left him, I may venture to say, he would have sooner renounced the Trinity, notwithstanding his being a good Huguenot, than his confidence in the never-failing power of this remedy. Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a 137 physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion; and even the wife of his bosom declared against the proposal. Whether it was owing to the little regard she paid to her husband’s admonition in this particular, or to the natural warmth of her constitution, I know not; but this lady’s passions became every day more and more violent, till at last she looked upon decency as an unnecessary restraint; and one afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and her daughter gone to visit, ordered me to call a hackney coach, in which she and the captain drove toward Covent Garden.

Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep; upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who, starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My wife not at home!” At that instant a patient’s servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or not his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than, with one blow, he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and, grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived my mistress coming out of the coach; she flounced immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear—Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat me 138 with a play.” “Play, play,” replied he, “oho! yes, by gar, I believe ver prettie play.” “Bless me!” said she, “what’s the matter?” “Vat de matter?” cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance, “by gar, you be one damn dog’s wife—ventre bleu! me vill show you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu! le Capitaine O’Donnell be one”—Here the captain, who had been all the while at the door discharging the coach, entered, and said, with a terrible voice, “D—mme! what am I?” Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, immediately saluted him with, “Oh serviteur, Monsieur le Capitaine, vous êtes un galant homme—ma femme est fort obligée.” Then, turning about towards me, pronounced with a low voice, “Et diablement obligeante, sans doute.” “Harkee, Mr. Lavement,” said the captain, “I am a man of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be offended at the civility I show your wife.”

This declaration had such an effect on the apothecary, that he resumed all the politesse of a Frenchman, and with the utmost prostration of compliment, assured the captain that he was perfectly well satisfied with the honour he had done his wife. Matters being thus composed, everybody went to rest. Next day, I perceived, through a glass door that opened from the shop into the parlour, the captain talking earnestly to Miss, who heard him with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn; which, however, he at last found means to mollify, and sealed his reconciliation with a kiss. This circumstance soon convinced me of the occasion of the quarrel; but notwithstanding all my vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between them. In the meanwhile, I had reason to believe I had inspired one of the maids with tender sentiments for me; and one night, when I thought every other person in the house asleep, I took the 139 opportunity of going to reap the fruits of my conquest, her bedfellow having the day before gone to Richmond to visit her parents. Accordingly, I got up, and, naked as I was, explored my way in the dark, to the garret where she lay. I was ravished to find the door open, and moved softly to her bedside, transported with the hope of completing my wishes. But what horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily guessed to be no other than the captain’s servant! I was upon the point of doing some rash thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind the wainscot put me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in safety. Whether this alarm had disordered my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, I know not; but, instead of turning to the left hand when I descended to the second storey, I pursued the contrary course, and mistook the young lady’s bedchamber for my own. I did not perceive my mistake before I had run against the bedposts, and then it was not in my power to retreat undiscovered; for the nymph being awake, felt my approach, and, with a soft voice, bade me make less noise, lest the Scotch booby in the next room should overhear us. This hint was sufficient to inform me of the nature of the assignation; and as my passions, at any time high, were then in a state of exaltation, I resolved to profit by my good fortune.

Without any more ceremony, therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to this charmer, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could desire. Our conversation was very sparing on my part; but she upbraided the person whom I represented with his jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my resentment had well-nigh occasioned a discovery more than once; but I was consoled for her hatred of me by the revenge I enjoyed in understanding from her own 140 mouth that it was now high time to salve her reputation by matrimony; for she had reason to fear she could not much longer conceal the effects of their mutual intercourse. While I was meditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like something heavy falling down upon the floor; upon which I started up, and, creeping to the door of my chamber, observed by moonlight the shadow of a man groping his way out; so I retired to one side to let him pass, and saw him go downstairs as expeditiously as he could. It was an easy matter to divine that this was the captain, who, having overslept himself, had got up at last to keep his assignation; and finding my door open, had entered my apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I supplied his place; but finding his mistake, by falling over my chair, he was afraid the noise might alarm the family, and, for that reason, made off, delaying the gratification of his desires till another opportunity. By this time I was satisfied; and, instead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own castle, which I fortified by bolting the door, and, in the congratulation of my own happiness, fell asleep. But the truth of this adventure could not be long concealed from my young mistress, who next day came to an explanation with the captain, upon his lamenting his last night’s disappointment, and begging pardon for the noise he had made. Their mutual chagrin, when they came to the knowledge of what had happened, may be easily conjectured, though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other; for she was conscious of not only having betrayed to me the secrets of her commerce with him, but also of having incensed me by the freedoms she had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation. On the other hand, his jealousy suggested that her sorrow was all artifice, and that I had supplied his place with her own 141 privity and consent. That such was the situation of their thoughts, will appear in the sequel; for that very day she came into the shop where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, swimming in tears, upon me, sighed most piteously. But I was proof against her distress, by recollecting the epithets with which she had honoured me the night before; and believing that the good reception I enjoyed was destined for another, therefore I took no notice of her affliction; and she had the mortification to find her disdain returned fourfold. However, from thenceforward she thought proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, knowing that it was in my power at any time to publish her shame. By these means my life became much more agreeable, though I never could prevail upon myself to repeat my nocturnal visit; and, as I every day improved in my knowledge of the town, I shook off my awkward air by degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.

CHAPTER TWENTY

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—Suspect O’Donnell, and am confirmed in my Opinion—Concert a Scheme of Revenge, and put it in execution—O’Donnell robs his own Servant, and disappears—I make my Addresses to a Lady, and am miraculously delivered from her Snare.

ONE night about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretched me senseless on the ground; and was left for dead, with three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered, when I recovered the use of my reason, 142 alarmed the people of a solitary alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay, and they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me through the entrails. The second slanted along one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breastbone, and the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad; because it is not usual for such people to murder those they rob, especially when they meet with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else about me (but my carcase) safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who had the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell and my master’s daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.

With this view, I went home in a chair about ten o’clock in the morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me, than he started back, and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from the surprise occasioned by seeing me in such a condition. My master having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his 143 wife, who was of opinion, it would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against Squire O’Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the authors of my misfortune; when Miss (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber, and, saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I suspected anybody to be the assassin: upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly upon her, and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no symptom of confusion; but replied hastily, “If that be the case, why don’t you take out a warrant to have him apprehended? It will cost but a trifle; if you have no money, I’ll lend you.” This frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her; but even staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have further proof before I should enterprise anything in the way of revenge.

I thanked her kindly for her generous offer; which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could, my prosecution of him would not much avail. This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up, and able to do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his practice, without hiring another journeyman in my room. The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy, was to get into O’Donnell’s apartment while he was abroad in an 144 undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broke off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt; and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault my honour opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course; and actually put my design in execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery one Sunday evening:—

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything succeeded to our wish. The amorous hero hastened towards the place of assignation; and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed 145 upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which we scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications.

When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. I afterwards understood, that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the Round House, from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings; and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapped up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my gratification when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flayed him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day whither to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost, except a few letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of the apothecary’s wife. This and the others, which, it seems, were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called 146 fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal she has published, who, after having embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print.

I was very much shocked on reflecting, that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole family’s unhappiness, on account of the letter I had written; but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against the printer for defamation; and looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for, as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish, until at last it ended in total neglect. It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner described. By the time he got a new scarf skin, his character was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night without beat of drum, after having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to him, except the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he had disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security, took into custody a large old trunk which he had left; and, as it was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to indemnify him for what O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, 147 and my master being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open in his presence, which task I performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad with a gentleman, in quality of valet-de-chambre, and at the same time assured me, that whatever advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me; so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this poor honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his acquaintance; and now that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to embrace with great reluctance; and in a few days took his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. I now began to look upon myself as a gentleman in reality—learned to dance of a Frenchman whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper—frequented plays during the holidays—became the oracle of an alehouse, where every dispute was referred to my decision—and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes by matrimony; when one morning I went to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom 148 to enter her chamber, where, to my utter confusion, I found her in bed with a man. Heaven gave me patience and presence of mind enough to withdraw immediately; and I thanked my stars a thousand times for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to profit so much as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my Master—Is involved in a troublesome Affair, out of which he is extricated by me—He marries my Master’s Daughter—They conspire against me—I am found guilty of Theft—Discharged—Deserted by my Friends—I hire a Room in St. Giles’s—Where, by accident, I find the Lady to whom I made my Addresses in a miserable Condition—I relieve her.

WHILE I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who, by this time, had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his appearance, that I was afraid he would remember what had happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of appointment then, by his punctuality now; but, whether he had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured of my apprehension; though I had occasion, not long after, to be convinced that, howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at bottom the same individual Gawky whom I have already described. For, coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I 149 heard a noise in the street, and, as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen.

The prisoners, who were miserably disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom, by his tongue, I knew to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my country was so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily; for, before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye from one of the other two, that had well-nigh deprived me of the use of that organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of Captain Gawky’s being robbed and abused by a company of footpads, and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately. When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood, by the servant, that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in my belief upon hearing his voice, to which, before that event, I had been so long a stranger. My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to 150 declare the truth of the whole story, in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch, for whom I had suffered. Accordingly, next day, after he had told, in the presence of my master, his wife, and daughter, who came to visit him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, that he could not answer one word; and the rest of the company stared at one another; till, at length, my mistress reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption.

Upon which Gawky, having recollected himself, observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his civility; but advised me to be more certain in my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the captain’s generosity in pardoning one who had so villanously aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary, who, perhaps, had more penetration, or less partiality, than his wife and daughter, differed from them in his sentiments of the matter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: “Ah! mon pauvre Roderique! you ave more of de véracité dan of de prudence—bot mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and Mons. le Capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu!” This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by him, was, nevertheless, literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture when one was absolutely necessary; for the young lady, finding the effects of her correspondence with O’Donnell becoming 151 plainer and plainer every day, insinuated herself so artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were coupled; from thence removed to a bagnio, where the marriage was consummated; and in the morning came home, where they asked her father’s and mother’s blessing. The prudent parents, notwithstanding the precipitation with which the match was carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned to him one syllable on the article of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival in her gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures. Nor was I without self-enjoyment at this event, when I reflected upon the revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my enemy, in making him a cuckold by anticipation. But I little dreamed what a storm of mischief was brewing against me, whilst I thus indulged myself. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, that he, it seems, imparted his indignation to his wife, who being as desirous as himself to compass the ruin of one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily joined in a conspiracy against me, which, had it taken effect as they expected, would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.

My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and, in plain terms, taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could 152 only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one day, “By gar, your vord not be give me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to chercher for my medicine, pardonnez-moi—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure.” Then raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in, lest I should make any opposition, he went on, “Oui, foutre, I charge you rendez le clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous parle.” I was fired with so much resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of my guilt; and, pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy himself immediately, though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion. He took the key, and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family; saying, “Hé bien, nous verrons—nous verrons.” But what was my horror and amazement, when, on opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things that were missing, and pronounced, “Ah ha! vous êtes bien venus—mardie, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent.”

I had not power to utter one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while everybody present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me. The servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeating, “Who would have thought it?” My mistress took occasion, from this detection, to rail against the practice of employing strangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before a justice, and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement, knowing the cost and trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the same time dreading lest some particulars of my confession 153 might affect his practice, called out, “Restez, mon fils! restez, it be véritablement one grand crime which dis pauvre diable have committed—bot peutêtre de good God give him de penitence, and me vill not have upon mine head de blood of one sinner.” The captain and his lady used all the Christian arguments their zeal could suggest, to prevail on the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and represented the injustice he did to the community of which he was a member, in letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing more mischief in the world, when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now. But their eloquence made no impression on my master, who, turning to me, said, “Go, miserable, go from mine house, quick, quick—and make reparation for your mauvaise actions.”

By this time my indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained, and I began in this manner: “Sir, appearances, I own, condemn me; but you are imposed upon as much as I am abused. I have fallen a sacrifice to the rancour of that scoundrel,” pointing to Gawky, “who has found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred of me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged me in my own country; for which injury he, in a cowardly manner, refused me the satisfaction of a gentleman. He knows, moreover, that I am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted before; and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth. For this reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my ruin. And I am afraid, madam,” turning to Mrs. Gawky, “you have too easily entered into the sentiments of your husband. I have often found you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of 154 your being so, which I don’t at present think proper to declare; but I would not advise you, for your own sake, to drive me to extremity.” This address enraged her so much, that, with a face as red as scarlet, and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me, and, putting her hands on her sides, spit in my face, saying I was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that, unless her papa would prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay another night under his roof. At the same time Gawky, assuming a big look, told me he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death, by G—d. To this threat I answered, “I wish to God I could meet with thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal. What hinders me this moment,” said I, seizing an old bottle that stood by, “from doing myself that justice?” I had no sooner armed myself in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and they rolled together downstairs; while my mistress swooned away with fear; and her daughter asked if I intended to murder her? I gave her to understand, that nothing was further from my intention; that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience, but was firmly resolved to slit her husband’s nose, whenever fortune should offer a convenient opportunity.

Then going downstairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind, armed with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley, and having assured them of my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, “Ah! villain! you have killed my dear wife.” And the apothecary cried, “Ah! coquin! vere is my shild?” “The lady,” said I, “is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will 155 a few months hence, I believe, reward your concern.” Here she called to them, and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about him. To which request her father consented, observing, nevertheless, that my conversation was fort mystérieuse. Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the country, where he would stay two or three days. I returned with a design of consulting some acquaintances I had acquired in my master’s neighbourhood; but my story had taken air, through the officiousness of the servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now; but at present my good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body was infected by a distemper contracted in the course of an amour, and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where.

The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was to remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had formerly lodged, where I remained two days, in hopes of getting another place, by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my character; but in this supposition I reckoned without my host, for Lavement took care to be beforehand with me, and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished my justification, shook his head, and 156 beginning with his usual exclamation, “O Ch—st!” said, “That won’t go down with me. I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for the future. I will trust no man from henceforward—no, not my father who begat me—nor the brother who lay with me in my mother’s womb. Should Daniel rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor, and were the genius of Truth to appear, would question its veracity.” I told him, that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered, and repent of his premature determination. To which remark he answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels to vibrate with joy; “but till that shall happen,” continued he, “I must beg to have no manner of connexion with you—my reputation is at stake—O my good God! I shall be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will say Jonathan Wild was but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along, and the cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin—I shall be notorious—the very butt of slander and cloak of infamy.” I was not in a humour to relish the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself in all his discourses; but, without any ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror which my situation could suggest. I considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence, that I must in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous circumstances; and with that view hired an apartment in a garret near St. Giles’s, at the rate of ninepence per week. In this place I resolved to perform my own cure, having first pawned three shirts to purchase medicines and support for the occasion.

One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing upon the unhappiness of my fate, I was alarmed by a 157 groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found a woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good heavens! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my breast with compassion, and every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into her embrace. She knew me immediately; and, straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help increasing. At length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced, with a feeble voice, “Dear Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands. I am a vile creature who had a base design upon your person; suffer me to expiate that and all my other crimes by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.” I encouraged her as much as I could; told her I forgave all her intentions with regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. In the meantime, begged to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had just recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression, took my hand and pressed it to her lips, saying, “You are too generous!—I wish I could live to express my gratitude; but alas! I perish for want.” Then, shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such extremity of distress must have awaked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion. What effect, then, must it have had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion? I ran downstairs, 158 and sent my landlady to a chemist’s shop for some cinnamon water; while I, returning to this unfortunate creature’s chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself. This aim, with much difficulty, I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits; then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she had not tasted food for eight-and-forty hours before. As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the town by profession: that, in the course of her adventures, she found herself dangerously infected with a distemper to which all her class are particularly subject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she became loathsome to herself and offensive to others; when she resolved to retire to some obscure corner, where she might be cured with as little noise and expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in which he found her: that, except the clothes on her back, she had pawned or sold everything that belonged to her, to satisfy that rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street.

After having moralised upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room with me, an expedient that would save some money; and assured her I would undertake her cure as well as my own, during which she should partake of all the conveniences that I could afford to myself. She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment; and I began 159 to put it in practice immediately. I found in her not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each), could be reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute,—she answered, with a sigh, “These very advantages were the cause of my undoing.” This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied in these words:—

END OF VOL. I.

MORRISON AND GIBB, PRINTERS, EDINBURGH.