Roderick Random by Tobias Smollett Chapters XXII-XLVI
I concealed my agitation as well as I could, till the head of the officer of the marines, who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well-nigh blinded with brains.
She is interrupted by a Bailiff, who arrests and carries her to the Marshalsea—I accompany her—Bring Witnesses to prove she is not the Person named in the Writ—The Bailiff is fain to give her a Present, and discharge her—We shift our Lodging—She resumes her Story, and ends it—My Reflections thereupon—She makes me acquainted with the Progress of a Common Woman of the Town—Resolves to quit that Way of Life
I am reduced to great Misery—Assaulted on Tower Hill by a Press-gang, who put me on board a Tender—My Usage there—My Arrival on board of the Thunder Man of War, where I am put in Irons, and afterwards released by the
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good Offices of Mr. Thomson, who recommends me as Assistant to the Surgeon—He relates his own Story, and makes me acquainted with the Characters of the Captain, Surgeon, and First Mate
The Behaviour of Mr. Morgan—His Pride, Displeasure, and Generosity—The Economy of our Mess described—Thomson’s further Friendship—The Nature of my Duty explained—The Situation of the Sick
A disagreeable Accident happens to me in the Discharge of my Office—Morgan’s Nose is offended—A Dialogue between him and the Ship’s Steward—Upon examination, I find more Causes of Complaint than one—My Hair is cut off—Morgan’s Cookery—The Manner of Sleeping on Board—I am waked in the Night by a dreadful Noise
I acquire the Friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a Warrant for me, and makes me a Present of Clothes—A Battle between a Midshipman and me—The Surgeon leaves the Ship—The Captain comes on board with another Surgeon—A Dialogue between the Captain and Morgan—The Sick are ordered to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined—The Consequences of that Order—A Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at Liberty by command of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks and pommels without Mercy
The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to Death with his own Hand—Is diverted from that Resolution by the Arguments and Persuasions of the First Lieutenant and Surgeon—We set sail for St. Helen’s, join the Fleet under the Command of Sir C——n——rO——le, and proceed for the West Indies—Are overtaken by a terrible Tempest—My Friend Jack Rattlin has his Leg broke by a Fall from the Mainyard—The Behaviour of Dr. Mackshane—Jack opposes the Amputation of his Limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, who undertake the Cure, and perform it successfully
Mackshane’s Malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a Spy—Morgan meets with the same Fate—Thomson is tampered with to turn Evidence against us—Disdains the Proposal, and is maltreated for his Integrity—Morgan is released to assist the Surgeon during an Engagement with some French Ships of War—I remain fettered on the Poop, exposed to the Enemy’s Shot, and grow delirious with Fear—Am comforted after the Battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the Captain; is overheard by the Sentinel, who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thomson grows desperate, and, notwithstanding the Remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes Overboard in the Night
We lament the Fate of our Companion—The Captain offers Morgan his Liberty, which he refuses to accept—We are brought before him,
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and examined—Morgan is sent back into Custody, whither also I am remanded, after a curious Trial
I discover a Subornation against me, by means of a Quarrel between two of the Evidences; in consequence of which I am set at Liberty, and prevail upon Morgan to accept of his Freedom on the same Terms—Mackshane’s Malice—We arrive at Jamaica, from whence, in a short time, we beat up to Hispaniola, in Conjunction with the West India Squadron—We take in Water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—Reflections on our Conduct there
Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a Fascine Battery—Our Ship is ordered, with four more, to batter the Fort of Boca Chica—Mackshane’s Cowardice—The Chaplain’s Frenzy—Honest Rattlin loses one Hand—His Heroism, and Reflections on the Battle—Crampley’s Behaviour to me during the Heat of the Fight
Breach being made in the Walls, our Soldiers give the Assault, and take the Place without Opposition—Our Sailors at the same time become Masters of all the other Strengths near Boca Chica, and take Possession of the Harbour—The good Consequence of the Success—We move nearer the Town—Find two Forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up with sunk Vessels; which, however, we find means
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to clear—Land our Soldiers at La Quinta—Repulse a Body of Militia—Attack the Castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great Loss—The Remains of our Army are re-embarked—An Effort of the Admiral to take the Town—The Economy of our Expedition described
An Epidemic Fever rages among us—We abandon our Conquests—I am seized with the Distemper—Write a Petition to the Captain, which is rejected—I am in Danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley; and relieved by a Serjeant—My Fever increases—The Chaplain wants to Confess me—I obtain a favourable Crisis—Morgan’s Affection for me proved—The Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain Oakum is removed into another Ship, with his beloved Doctor—Our new Captain described—An Adventure of Morgan
Captain Whiffle sends for me—His Situation described—His Surgeon arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to Bed—A Bed is put up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the State Room, which, with other parts of the Captain’s Behaviour, gives the Ship’s Company a very unfavourable Idea of their Commander—I am detained in the West Indies by the Admiral, and go on Board of the Lizard Sloop of War in quality of Surgeon’s Mate, where I make myself known to the Surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I go on Shore, sell my Ticket, purchase Necessaries, and, at my Return on Board, am surprised at the Sight
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of Crampley, who is appointed Lieutenant of the Sloop—We sail on a Cruise—Take a Prize, in which I arrive at Port Morant, under the Command of my Messmate, with whom I live in great Harmony
Strange Adventure—In consequence of which I am extremely happy—Crampley does me Ill Offices with the Captain: but his Malice is defeated by the Good Nature and Friendship of the Surgeon—We return to Port Royal—Our Captain gets the Command of a larger Ship, and is succeeded by an old Man—Brayl is provided for—We receive Orders to sail for England
We depart for Europe—A Misunderstanding arises between the Captain and Surgeon, through the scandalous Aspersions of Crampley—The Captain dies—Crampley tyrannises over the Surgeon, who falls a Victim to his Cruelty—I am also ill-used—The Ship strikes—The Behaviour of Crampley and the Seamen on that Occasion—I get on Shore, challenge the Captain to single Combat—Am treacherously knocked down, wounded, and robbed
I get up, and crawl into a Barn, where I am in danger of perishing through the Fear of the Country People—Their Inhumanity—I am succoured by a reputed Witch—Her Story—Her Advice—She recommends me as a Valet to a single Lady, whose Character she explains
My Reception by that Lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa—Recount the Particulars of my last Misfortune—Acquire the good Opinion of my Mistress—An Account of the young Squire—I am made acquainted with more Particulars of Narcissa’s Situation—Conceive a mortal Hatred against Sir Timothy—Examine my Lady’s Library and Performances—Her extravagant Behaviour
My Mistress is surprised at my Learning—Communicates her Performances to me—I impart some of mine to her—Am mortified at her faint Praise—Narcissa approves of my Conduct—I gain an involuntary Conquest over the Cook-maid and Dairy-maid—Their mutual Resentment and Insinuations—The Jealousy of their Lovers
Narcissa being in Danger from the Brutality of Sir Timothy, is rescued by me, who revenge myself on my Rival—I declare my Passion, and retreat to the Sea-side—Am surrounded by Smugglers, and carried to Boulogne—Find my Uncle, Lieutenant Bowling, in great Distress, and relieve him—Our Conversation
He takes his Passage in a Cutter for Deal—We are accosted by a Priest, who proves to be a Scotchman—His Profession of
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Friendship—He is affronted by the Lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him by Submission—My Uncle embarks—I am introduced by the Priest to a Capuchin, in whose Company I set out for Paris—The Character of my Fellow-Traveller—An Adventure on the Road—I am shocked at his Behaviour
We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the Capuchin, who escapes while I am asleep—I go to Noyons in search of him, but without Success—Make my Condition known to several People, but find no Relief—Grow desperate—Join a Company of Soldiers—Enlist in the Regiment of Picardy—We are ordered into Germany—I find the Fatigues of the March almost intolerable—Quarrel with my Comrade in a Dispute about Politics—He challenges me to the Field, wounds and disarms me
In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence—We join the Mareschal Duc de Noailles—Are engaged with the Allies at Dettingen, and put to Flight—The Behaviour of the French Soldiers on that Occasion—I industriously seek another Combat with the old Gascon, and vanquish him in my turn—Our Regiment is put into Winter Quarters at Rheims, where I find my Friend Strap—Our Recognition—He supplies me with Money, and procures my Discharge—We take a Trip to Paris; from whence, by the Way of Flanders, we set out for London, where we safely arrive
I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to Sea—Take Lodgings at Charing Cross—Go to the Play, where I meet with an Adventure—Dine at an Ordinary; the Guests described—Become acquainted with Medlar, and Doctor Wagtail
Wagtail introduces me to a Set of fine Gentlemen, with whom I spend the Evening at a Tavern—Our Conversation—The Characters of my new Companions—The Doctor is roasted—The Issue of our Debauch
MY father was an eminent merchant in the city, who, having in the course of trade suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age, with his wife, to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time I, being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid Presbyterian, and who confined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion, that, in time, I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees conceived an aversion for the good books she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex, one of whom, after having lamented the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt’s sentiments, told me, I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her
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influence and example, and learn to think for myself; for which purpose she advised me to read Shaftesbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the books that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and, by comparing one with another, I should soon be able to form a system of my own. I followed her advice; and, whether it was owing to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not, but I studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed Freethinker. Proud of my new improvement, I argued in all companies, and that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift, than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful principles. Accordingly my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of my age; and, by his command, gave him a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had been represented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy, and it was some time before I could relish my situation. But solitude became every day more and more familiar to me; and I consoled myself in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as I was not employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been dead three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion. Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to poetry and romance; and,
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in short, was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by everybody in the country where I resided.
I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father’s house, when a certain drunken squire riding by perceived me, and crying, “Zounds! there’s a charming creature!” alighted in a moment, caught me in his arms, and treated me so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I could; and, in the meantime, opposed his violence with all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire. During this struggle, another horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted, and flew to my assistance. My ravisher, mad with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and, running to his horse, drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired at my protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and, with the butt-end of his whip, laid him prostrate on the ground, before he could use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and clapping to the squire’s breast, threatened to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I interposed and begged his life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss. However, my defender thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me home, where my father, having learned the signal service he had done me, loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me, justly inspired me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to entitle him to somewhat more. He was about the age of two-and-twenty, among the
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tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness of countenance—but what need I describe any more particulars of his person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of you; and, if I had not been well acquainted with his family and pedigree, I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother. He spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve; for what he said was ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon. In short (said she, bursting into tears), he was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was modest and respectable; but his looks were so significant, that I could easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced him to my acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was the eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we were no strangers; that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the country, from whose house he was returning home when my shrieks brought him to my rescue. All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations. There was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman’s coming to the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of romance, who, being delivered from the power of a brutal giant or satyr by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to yield my affections to him without reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits, by reflections more reasonable and severe. The amusing images took full possession of
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my mind, and my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet in the language of a despairing lover.
Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father begged the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which request he replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression. In a short time he repeated his visit; and, as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me would be too tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding. This task he performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myself the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion, he began to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on a veneration for the qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament, admired the beauties of my person; till at length, being fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, and disclosed his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation with the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more frequently, in private interviews, where we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope, that reciprocal adoration can inspire. He professed his honourable intentions, of which I made no question, lamented the avaricious disposition of his father, who had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and devotion, that I became a dupe to his deceit, and,
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in an evil hour, crowned his eager desire with full possession.—Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace for a momentary gratification, which has entailed upon me such misery and horror! cursed be my beauty, that first attracted the attention of my seducer! cursed be my education, that, by refining my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, nobody would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to the enchantments of one alone.
But, to return to my unfortunate story; we gave a loose to guilty pleasure, which, for some months, banished every other concern. At last, by degrees, his visits became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm. I perceived his coldness—my heart took the alarm—my tears reproached him—and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse me, that, whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But, alas! the inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a whole week with the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring the least suspicion of his faith. At length I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house that this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy clothes for their approaching nuptials.
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This information distracted me! the more so, as I found myself some months gone with child, and reflected that it would be impossible to conceal my disgrace, which would not only ruin the character I had acquired in the country, but also bring the grey hairs of an indulgent parent with sorrow to the grave. Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me! Then my resentment would subside into silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I had lost, I wept over my infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father, who compelled him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of seeing him before the thing should be brought to any terms of agreement. But how vain was my imagination! The villain left me without remorse; and in a few days the news of his marriage was spread all over the country. My horror was then inconceivable; and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father observed the symptoms of my despair; and, though I have good reason to believe he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while he endeavoured, with paternal fondness, to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my calamity to an implacable degree. Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day arrived at a small town, from whence a stage-coach set out for London, in
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which I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against every other reflection. My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myself very retired, having assumed a feigned name, that my character and situation might be the better concealed. It was not long before I found out the house of my ravisher, whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling the porter I had business for his master’s private ear. Upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my request. There I remained about a quarter of an hour, when a servant entered, and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no longer; I pulled a poignard from my bosom where I had concealed it, and, rushing out, flew upstairs like a fury, exclaiming, “Where is this perfidious villain? could I once plunge this dagger into his false heart, I should then die satisfied.” The noise I made alarmed not only the servants, but the company also, who, hearing my threats, came forward to the staircase to see what was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and withheld by two footmen; and, in this situation, felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer approach with his young wife. I could not endure the sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a paltry apartment, where I
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was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent questions relating to my condition; and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair; but this, she told me, could not be done without her master’s consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed to my own lodgings in a state of mind that baffles all description. The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I believe it is well for my conscience that Heaven thus disposed of my burden; for, let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the father’s infidelity.
After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and calm; when, one day, my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something of consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding upon me against my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what his business was with me? Upon which he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he did not
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doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted his request, and bid the woman withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario’s own mouth; that, from the time he knew my misfortunes, he had entertained a detestation for the author of them; which had of late been increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him; that, hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of offering his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no reason to refuse. Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my companion in my arms, and vowed, that if he would make good his promise, my soul and body should be at his disposal. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was introduced into my chamber, and assured me my perfidious lover was no more; that, although he was not entitled to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars,
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feasted my eyes with the blood that remained on his clothes and sword, and yielded up my body as a recompense for the service he had done me. My imagination was so engrossed with these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his own cause so pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and remorse. My bedfellow endeavoured to soothe, console, and persuade me that I had but barely done justice to myself. I dropped asleep again, and the same apparition returned to my fancy. In short, I passed the night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario’s recovery; it was true he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead; and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these words I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and, if he could not bring me tidings of Lothario’s safety, at least consult his own, and never return, for I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, and declare all that I knew of the affair, that, if possible, I might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and ignominious death. He very coolly represented the unreasonableness of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me inspired, and honour justified; that now he had, at the risk of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous agent occasionally necessary; and that, even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario’s safety, it was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid him of having failed in his undertaking. I assured him that, on the contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should
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be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away the life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his power. “Well, then, madam,” said he, “whatever may have happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of honour.” And took his leave, in order to inquire into the consequences of his duel. I was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my conscience could not accuse me of venial crimes; but now that I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At length Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned, and, telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing these words:
“Madam,—As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this liberty to inform you, that the wounds received from Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb the repose, as well as destroy the life of
Lothario.”
Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect an imposition in this letter, which I read over in a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers, the most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting; that very letter which, in a manner, re-established my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust reproaches,
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while they waked my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could desire, introduced into the company of other kept mistresses, by whom uncommon deference was paid to me; and I began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident brought it back to my view, with all its interesting circumstances. Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which I had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention:—
“Whereas, a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father’s house, in the county of ——, about the end of September, on account, as is supposed, of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of: Whoever will give any information about her to Mr. ——, of Gray’s Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness, whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father, already weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow.”
This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who gave me life; but, alas! upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sunk into the most profound melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause of his
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death. I lost all relish for company, and indeed most of my acquaintance no sooner perceived my change of temper than they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, or, which is more probable, cloyed with possession, became colder and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct, or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned that the quarrel between Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give the other the enjoyment of my person, which, it seems, he lusted after, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I cursed my simplicity; uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery of Horatio; and, as I became every day more familiarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting; an old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, visited me, and, after having condoled me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began to display the art of her occupation in encomiums on my beauty, and invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal, that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to divide the profits of my prostitution accruing from such gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a certain judge, to whom I was recommended by this matron as an innocent creature just arrived from the country. He
15
was so transported with my appearance and feigned simplicity, that he paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for one night only, during which I behaved in such a manner as to make him perfectly well pleased with his purchase.
I soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher
[For variety’s sake, the word has its ordinary modern meaning. As often as not, in books of this vintage it means scientist.]
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
She is interrupted by a Bailiff, who arrests and carries her to the Marshalsea—I accompany her—Bring Witnesses to prove she is not the Person named in the Writ—The Bailiff is fain to give her a Present, and discharge her—We shift our Lodging—She resumes her Story, and ends it—My Reflections thereupon—She makes me acquainted with the Progress of a Common Woman of the Town—Resolves to quit that Way of Life.
HER Story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus: “Madam, your servant, you must do me the favour to come along with me—I have got a writ against you.” While the bailiff, for so he was, spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker, and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had she not begged me, with a composure of countenance for which I could not account, to use no violence in her behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then, turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see the writ, and having perused it, said, with a faltering voice, “I am not the
16
person whose name is here mentioned; arrest me at your peril.” “Ay, ay, madam,” replied the catchpole, “we shall prove your identity. In the meantime, whether will you be pleased to be carried to my house, or to jail?” “If I must be confined,” said she, “I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.” “Well, well,” answered he, “if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall be entertained like a princess.” But when she acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Marshalsea at once. While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, and bade me be under no concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and, perhaps, gain something by the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well pleased with her assurance, and when the coach came to the door, offered to accompany her to prison; to which proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary, than he cried, “Ah, hah! my old acquaintance, Bett!—I am glad to see thee with all my heart.” So saying, he opened the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he started back, saying, “Zounds! who have we got here?” The bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried, with some emotion, “Who the devil should it be, but the prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?” The turnkey replied, “That Elizabeth Cary!—I’ll be d—d if that’s Elizabeth Cary, more than my grandmother. D—n my blood, I know Bett Cary as well as if I had made her.” Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken her
17
word for it at first, he might have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. “It may be so,” answered he, “but, by G—d, I’ll have further evidence that you are not the person before you and I part.” “Yes, yes,” said she, “you shall have further evidence to your cost.” Then we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I found them together at a house in Bridges Street, Drury Lane; and as they were luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach, without hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with the hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural between the whores and bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of peace, that she was not the person mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailiff, who was by this time convinced of his mistake, told them that he would not put them to that trouble. “Ladies,” said he, “there’s no harm done; you shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we’ll part friends.” This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood; and Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool, as to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine. Here the turnkey interrupted her, by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as ever was tipped over tongue. “Well,” continued she, “that may be, but was it the best of champagne, it is no recompense for the damage
18
I have suffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail. At this rate, no innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity. But, thank Heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.” Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailiff’s name), finding he had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed, and leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses against the old b—ch, our landlady, as he called her, for having misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who, calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas, for the use of the plaintiff. The money was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one half, and, putting the other in her pocket, drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on my back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before this happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed the next day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible, until our cure should be completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to
19
finish the story of her life, which she pursued in this manner:
The success of our experiment on the judge, encouraged us to practise the same deceit on others, and my virginity was five times sold to good purpose. But this harvest lasted not long, my character taking air, and my directress deserting me for some new game. Then I took lodgings near Charing Cross, at two guineas per week, and began to entertain company in a public manner; but my income being too small to defray my expense, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would share my profits with them. Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness, brutality, and disease. How miserable is the condition of a courtezan, whose business it is to soothe, suffer, and obey the dictates of rage, insolence, and lust! As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked downstairs with disgrace. The messengers seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find myself almost totally neglected. To contribute towards my support, I was fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening musing by myself on the misery before me, when I received a message from a bagnio, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced
20
to a gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous manner, and, after drinking a hearty glass of champagne, went to bed. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got up, and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the room. This circumstance gave me some uneasiness; but as he might have retired on some necessary occasion, I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest perplexity rose up, and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the door he found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing, with great surprise, that the key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, “How, madam! is he not a‑bed?” And when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open. Through this the adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down into a court, and escaped, leaving me to be answerable, not only for the reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset bowl, which he had carried off with him. It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself detained as a thief’s accomplice; for I was looked upon in that light, and carried before a justice, who, mistaking my confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me, after a short examination, to Bridewell, having advised me, as the only means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now concluded the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflection sunk so deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends: indeed, there needs not a very
21
extravagant imagination to form that idea; for, of all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I had always entertained of the infernal regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish, and impiety; and heard nothing but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it, during which miserable intervals I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything about me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings: I was not only destitute of necessaries, but even of food; so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance, to whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft; and my landlord refused to part with some of my own clothes, which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a week’s lodging. Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in the middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me asleep; and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a noose on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself; but before I could adjust the knot, I was surprised and prevented by two women who had been awake all the while, and suspected my design. In the morning my attempt was published among the prisoners, and punished with thirty stripes; the pain of which co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstasy of madness, during which
22
I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement; so that they were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to myself and others. This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and sullen; but, as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance. Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of nature, I know not, but on the second day of my fast, I found my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this critical conjuncture, a lady was brought into the prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio: she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up her coffee-house among the hundreds of Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret, arrack, and the choice of half a dozen of damsels, who lived in her house. This serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a certain justice for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to Bridewell. She had not been long there, before she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a compliment of condolence, inquired into the particulars of my fate. While we were engaged in discourse together, the master came and told me, that the fellow on whose account I had suffered, was taken; that he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the affair; for which reason, he, the master, had orders to discharge me; and that I was from that moment free. This piece of news soon banished all
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thoughts of death, and had such an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then present), hoping to find her account in me, very generously offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house, as soon as she should compromise matters with the justices. The conditions of her offer were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits of my embraces. These were hard terms; but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced her proposal; and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my admirers by my reserved and haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition; and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered among the customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my reputation, and blast my prosperity; everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and disdain; and, in a very short time, I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who, having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ against me, and I was arrested in her own house. Though
24
the room was crowded with people, when the bailiff entered, not one of them had compassion enough to mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt. They even laughed at my tears; and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers in Newgate. At that instant, a sea lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune; when this wit advised him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire-ship. “A fire-ship!” replied the sailor, “more like a poor galley in distress, that has been boarded by such a fire-ship as you; if so be as that is the case, she stands in more need of assistance. Hark’ee, my girl, how far have ye over-run the constable?” I told him, that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expense of the writ—“An’ that be all,” said he, “you shan’t go to the bilboes this bout.” And taking out his purse, paid the money, discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour, where I could be safely hove down, for which purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched with this singular piece of generosity, that, for some time, I had not power to thank him. However, as soon as I had recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment attached himself to me; and we lived in great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.
Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails; when one of the sisterhood, a little stale, advised me to take
25
lodgings in a part of the town where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might entrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever debts I should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality of my maid; with the proviso, that she should be reimbursed, and handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. She was immediately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in Park Street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and my own. I made my first appearance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with silver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, that, in a day or two, my fame was spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I soon found them out to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose; and at length attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes; and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate friend to me; which request I could not refuse. I had the extreme mortification and surprise to see next night, in that friend, my old keeper, Horatio; who no sooner beheld me, than he changed colour; but had presence of mind to advance, and salute me, bidding me, with a low voice, be under no apprehension, for he
26
would not expose me. In spite of this assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber, on pretence of a severe headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.
Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed in this manner;—having packed up all our clothes and movables in small parcels, she, on pretence of fetching cordials for me, carried them, at several times, to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the night, when every other body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among tradespeople; but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions; till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed you had any fortune, or expectation of one, but that I might transfer the burden of such debts as I had incurred, or should contract, from myself to another; and at the same time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable one who bore such a resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you from my snares, by the discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber door unlocked, when she went to buy sugar for breakfast. The person in bed with me was a gentleman, whom I had allured the night before, as he walked homeward, pretty much elevated with liquor; for by this time my condition was so low, that I was forced to turn out in
27
the twilight in the streets, in hopes of prey. When I found myself detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before. My companion, being disappointed in her expectations, left me, to trade upon her own bottom, and I had no other resource than to venture forth like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill and Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without being so happy as to meet with one cully; then creep up to my garret in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that, in a short time, rendered me the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat, where your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.
So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady’s narration, that I made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said; and expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone in so little time; for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years. I compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more wretched. I had endured hardships, ’tis true; my whole life had been a series of such; and when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered; but then they were become habitual to me,
28
and consequently I could bear them with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity; she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and, without any extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted happiness through the whole scene of life. How fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable must her reverse of fortune be! a reverse that not only robs her of these external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of all professions, I pronounce that of a courtezan the most deplorable, and her of all courtezans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed, that, notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute, as many others of the same community. “I have often seen,” said she, “while I strolled about the streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley; some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and dress. And indeed the gradation is easily conceived. The most fashionable woman of the town is as liable to contagion as one in a much humbler sphere; she infects her admirers, her situation is
29
public; she is avoided, neglected, unable to support her usual appearance, which however she strives to maintain as long as possible; her credit fails; she is obliged to retrench, and become a night-walker; her malady gains ground; she tampers with her constitution, and ruins it; her complexion fades; she grows nauseous to everybody; finds herself reduced to a starving condition; is tempted to pick pockets; is detected; committed to Newgate, where she remains in a miserable condition till she is discharged, because the plaintiff will not appear to prosecute her. Nobody will afford her lodgings; the symptoms of her distemper are grown outrageous; she sues to be admitted into an hospital, where she is cured at the expense of her nose; she is turned out naked into the streets, depends upon the addresses of the lowest class, is fain to allay the rage of hunger and cold with gin; degenerates into a brutal insensibility, rots and dies upon a dunghill. Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me! No,” cried she, after some pause, “I shall never live to such extremity of distress! my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!” Her condition filled me with sympathy and compassion; I revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her with such care and success, that, in less than two months, her health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects were formed, which, upon further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We would have gladly gone to service; but who would take us in without recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this was to procure, with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a
30
country wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for service; by which means she might be provided for in a manner much more suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.
I am reduced to great Misery—Assaulted on Tower Hill by a Press-gang, who put me on board a Tender—My Usage there—My Arrival on board of the Thunder Man of War, where I am put in Irons, and afterwards released by the good Offices of Mr. Thomson, who recommends me as Assistant to the Surgeon—He relates his own Story, and makes me acquainted with the Characters of the Captain, Surgeon, and First Mate.
I APPLAUDED the resolution of Miss Williams, who, a few days after, was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me, she would remain in this situation no longer than she should pick up money sufficient to put her other design in execution.
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I hesitated so long, that I found myself reduced to a starving condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate,
31
and I became so mean as to go down towards Wapping, with an intention to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the command of a small coasting vessel, then in the river, and implore his assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour; for, as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny fellow, with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, calling, “Yo, ho! brother, you must come along with me.” As I did not like his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his company; upon which he whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me along. Not being of a humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and with one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice, by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and success, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and, after an obstinate engagement, in which I received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender, where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well-nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had not humanity enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow-captives, who was unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it round my head to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, ’tis true; but, instead of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing composure, sold it
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before my face to a bum-boat woman* then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated my companions, regardless of my circumstances and intreaties.
*
A bum-boat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and fresh provisions to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the ship.
I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck, telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me, “I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die and be d—d.” Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to be recalled at a fitter season. In the meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon; out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, administered by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put on board the Thunder next day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he had belonged to that ship long? and he giving me to understand, he had belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling? “Know Lieutenant Bowling?” said he,—“odds my life! and that I do! and a good seaman he is, as ever stepp’d upon forecastle,—and a brave fellow as ever crack’d bisket;—none of your Guinea pigs,—nor your fresh-water, wishy-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind has honest Tom Bowling and I
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weathered together. Here’s his health with all my heart, wherever he is, aloft or alow—in heaven or in hell—all’s one for that—he needs not be ashamed to show himself.” I was so much affected with this eulogium, that I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant Bowling’s kinsman; in consequence of which connexion he expressed an inclination to serve me, and, when he was relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much beloved by the ship’s company, and pitied for the misfortune that had happened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the ship. Having, by accident, in my pocket, my uncle’s letter, written from Port Louis, I gave it to my benefactor, whose name was Jack Rattlin, for his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, and desired to know the contents; which I immediately communicated. When he heard that part of it in which he says he had writ to his landlord in Deal, he cried, “Body o’ me! that was old Ben Block—he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef, and steer.—Well, well, we must all die, that’s certain,—we must all come to port sooner or later—at sea, or on shore; we must be fast moored one day; death’s like the best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring us all up.”
I could not but signify my approbation of the justness of Jack’s reflections; and inquired into the occasion
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of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle; which he explained in this manner: “Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good man enough,—besides he’s my commander;—but what’s that to me?—I do my duty, and value no man’s anger of a rope’s end.—Now the report goes, as how he’s a lord or baron knight’s brother, whereby, d’ye see me, he carries a strait arm, and keeps aloof from his officers, thof, may hap, they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying at anchor in Tuberoon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he always kept a good look out, he made, d’ye see, three lights in the offing, whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep; whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for I being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together, fore and aft, a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling’s quarter; whereby he told the captain, that, if he was not his commander, he would heave him overboard, and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby, in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore; and so they, leaving their boats’ crews on their oars, went away together; and so, d’ye see, in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapp’d on all the sail he could bear, and had got far enow ahead before we knew anything of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of him, for which we
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were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wroth, and would certainly have done him a mischief;—for he afterwards caused him to be run on the ship’s books, whereby he lost all his pay, and if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.”
This account of the captain’s behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day was, with the other pressed men, put on board of the Thunder, lying at the Nore. When we came alongside, the mate who guarded us thither ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the easier. This circumstance being perceived by some of the company, who stood upon the gang-boards to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly office for me, “Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves enow among us already?” Another, observing my wounds, which remained exposed to the air, told me that my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. A third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were, into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards square without iron braces? And, in short, a thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I could get up the ship’s side. After we had been all entered upon the ship’s books, I inquired of one of my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck, (for our ship carried eighty guns,) in my way to the cock-pit, when I was met by the same midshipman who had used me
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so barbarously in the tender. He, seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had released me? To this question I foolishly answered, with a countenance that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts, “Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.” I had no sooner uttered these words, than he cried, “D—n you, you saucy son of a bitch, I’ll teach you to talk so to your officer.” So saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes with a supple-jack he had in his hand; and, going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me, and administered all the consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thomson, with whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him, if my misfortunes had disguised me so much that he could not recollect my face? Upon this address, he observed me with great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he could not recollect one feature of my countenance.
To keep him no longer in suspense, I told him my name; which when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed his sorrow in seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story; and when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly,
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assuring me I should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to confront me. I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to make way for him, who was delivered to the master-at-arms to take his turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed; for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from all other duty than that of assisting his mates in making and administering medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. Thomson, who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead. When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thomson carried me down to the cock-pit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the surgeon’s mates; and when he had shown me their berth, as he called it, I was filled with astonishment and horror.
We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which I understood was immersed several feet under water, being immediately above the hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal gulf, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrefied cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, resembling a chandler’s shop, where, by the faint glimmering of a candle, I
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could perceive a man with a pale meagre countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand. This, I learned of Mr. Thomson, was the ship’s steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several messes, and to mark what each received. He therefore presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine chest, that of the first mate, his own, and a board, by way of table, fastened to the after powder-room; it was also enclosed with canvas, nailed round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from the view of the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who lodged within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion he entertained me with some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed above the table; and, calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet. By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly depressed by the appearance of everything about me, and could no longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thomson’s fortune, since I had seen him in London. He told me, that, being disappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious secretary at the Navy Office, he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually offered his service in quality of mate to the surgeon of a merchant’s ship bound to Guinea, on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him, that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at the Navy Office, for surgeon’s second mate of a third rate. This
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unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true, more especially as he had been found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for third mate only; but, that he might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so. Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took a place in the tide-coach for Rochester; next morning, got on board the Thunder, for which he was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day was mustered by the clerk of the cheque. And well it was for him that such expedition was used; for, in less than twelve hours after his arrival, another William Thomson came on board, affirming that he was the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an impostor.
My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident—the more so, as his namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance and dress. However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he produced several letters, written from Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed a name which did not belong to him. His competitor, enraged that they should hesitate in doing him justice, (for, to be sure, the warrant had been designed for him,) behaved with so much indecent heat, that the commanding officer, who was the same gentleman I had seen, and the surgeon, were offended at his presumption, and, making a point of it with their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his station. “I have been on board,” said he, “ever since, and, as this way of life is become familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my
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situation. The surgeon is a good-natured indolent man; the first mate, who is now on shore on duty, is, indeed, a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen are, but, in the main, a friendly honest fellow. The lieutenants I have no concern with; and as for the captain, he is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon’s mate, even by sight.”
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy
[But, but, splutter, hasn’t he been waiting for an appointment as naval surgeon since quite early in the book?]
he’s a lord or baron knight’s brother
[Illiterate rendering of “baronet”, I think.]
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
The Behaviour of Mr. Morgan—His Pride, Displeasure, and Generosity—The Economy of our Mess described—Thomson’s further Friendship—The Nature of my Duty explained—The Situation of the Sick.
WHILE he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cock-pit ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, “The devil and his dam blow me from the top of Mounchdenny, if I go to him before there is something in my pelly; let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a pell, look you, or green as a leek, ’tis all one.” To this declaration somebody answered, “So it seems my poor messmate must part his cable for want of a little assistance. His fore-top-sail is loose already; and, besides, the doctor ordered you to overhaul him; but I see you don’t mind what your master says.” Here he was interrupted with, “Splunter and oons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my abilities, and moreover my behaviour is as good as his, or any shentleman’s (no disparagment to him) in the whole world. Got pless my soul! does he think, or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards,
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and upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land, at his will and pleasure? Go your ways, you rapscallion, and tell Dr. Atkins, that I desire and request that he will give a look to the tying man, and order something for him if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when my craving stomach is satisfied, look you,” At this the other went away, saying, that if they would serve him so when he was dying, by G—d, he would be foul of them in the other world.
Here Mr. Thomson let me know that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who was just come on board from the hospital, whither he had attended some of the sick in the morning. At the same time I saw him come into the berth. He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great passion, “Cot is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am a Christian!” Thomson then gave him to understand, that as I had been brought on board half-famished, he could do no less than entertain me with what was in the locker; and the rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. Whether this disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he rather thought himself too little regarded by his fellow-mate, I know not, but, after some pause, he went on in this manner, “Mr. Thomson, perhaps you do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect, look you, that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair. I have, in my time,
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look you, been a man of some weight and substance and consideration, and have kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king’s taxes; ay, and maintained a family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your elder, and your petter, Mr. Thomson.” “My elder I’ll allow you to be, but not my better,” cried Thomson with some heat. “Cot is my Saviour, and witness too,” said Morgan, with great vehemence, “that I am more elder, and therefore more petter, by many years, than you.” Fearing this dispute might be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between him and the second mate; and that rather than cause the least breach in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance by myself, or seek admission into some other company. But Thomson, with more spirit than discretion, as I thought, insisted upon my remaining where he had appointed me; and observed, that no man possessed of generosity and compassion would have any objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.
This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great earnestness that he had no objection to my being received in the mess; but only complained that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed. “As for a shentleman in distress,” said he, shaking me by the hand, “I lofe him as I lofe my own powels; for, Cot help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own pack.” And, as I afterwards learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an acquaintance. All differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire
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cheese, wrapped up in a handkerchief; and, taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to a share of the repast. When he had fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and drinking it off, told us, “Prandy was the pest menstruum for onion and sheese.” His hunger being appeased, he began to be in better humour; and being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a particular good will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner and afterwards the friend of Claudius Cæsar. Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check which I received from Mr. Thomson, enabled me to appear with decency. Meanwhile the sailor whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a prescription for his messmate, which, when the Welshman had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked if the man was “Tead or alive.” “Dead!” replied Jack, “if he was dead he would have no occasion for doctor’s stuff. No, thank God, death ha’nt as yet boarded him, but they have been yard arm and yard arm these three glasses.” “Are his eyes open?” continued the mate. “His starboard eye,” said the sailor, “is open, but fast jammed in his head; and the haulyards of his under jaw have given way.” “Passion of my heart!” cried Morgan, “the man is as pad as one would desire to be! Did you feel his pulses?” To this the other replied with, “Anan?” Upon which this Cambro-Briton, with great earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive till he should come with the medicine, “And then,” said he, “you shall, peradventure, pehold what you shall
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see.” The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where the sick man lay, but, in less than a minute, returned with a woeful countenance, and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, “Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?” “Stop him?” said the other; “I hailed him several times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so that he did not mind me.” “Well, well,” said he, “we all owe Heaven a teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example, and a warning, look you, and repent of your misteets.” So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the berth.
While he entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner, and immediately the boy belonging to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a few minutes returned with it full of boiled peas, crying, “Scaldings,” all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three plates, which, by the colour, I could with difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates ate heartily, advising me to follow their example, as it was banyan-day, and we could have no meat till next noon. But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion; and therefore desired to be excused, expressing a curiosity to know the meaning of banyan-day. They told me that on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the ship’s company had no
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allowance of meat, and that these meagre days were called banyan-days, the reason of which they did not know; but I have since learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees in some part of the East Indies, who never taste flesh.
After dinner, Thomson led me round the ship, showed me the different parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and economy practised on board. He then demanded of the boatswain an hammock for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and as I had no bedclothes, procured credit for me with the purser, for a mattress and two blankets. At seven o’clock in the evening, Morgan visited the sick, and having ordered what was proper for each, I assisted Thomson in making up his prescriptions; but when I followed him with the medicines into the sick berth or hospital, and observed the situations of the patients, I was much less surprised that people should die on board, than that any sick person should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling from their own excrements and diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that helpless condition.
as good as his, or any shentleman’s (no disparagment to him) in the whole world spelling unchanged
[If “judgment” and “judgement” are equally valid, I guess we’ll have to pass “disparagment” as well.]
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CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
A disagreeable Accident happens to me in the Discharge of my Office—Morgan’s Nose is offended—A Dialogue between him and the Ship’s Steward—Upon examination, I find more Causes of Complaint than one—My Hair is cut off—Morgan’s Cookery—The Manner of Sleeping on Board—I am waked in the Night by a dreadful Noise.
I COULD not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation. Much less could I conceive how my friend Thomson would be able to administer clysters, that were ordered for some in that situation; when I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all four under the hammocks of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them asunder with one shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the service, I desired he would give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; and he consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and crawling along, the ship happened to roll; this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came within my grasp, with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found by the smell that issued upon me, I had not unlocked a box of the most delicious perfume: it was well for me that my nose was none of the most delicate, else I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over the ship, to the utter discomposure of everybody who tarried on the same deck: neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling only; for I
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felt my misfortunes more ways than one. That I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I got up, and pushing my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the middle, where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, not understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up as it were in a pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned, and the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that, with many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thomson, perceiving my condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who with much difficulty disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from taking vengeance of the sick man, whose indisposition would not have screened him from the effects of my indignation.
After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to the cock-pit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a homely proverb, which I do not choose to repeat. When we had descended half-way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose of the approach of something extraordinary, cried, “Cot have mercy upon my senses! I believe the enemy has poarded us in a stink-pot!” Then directing his discourse to the steward, from whom he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur, if he ever should presume to offend his neighbours with
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such smells for the future. The steward, conscious of his own innocence, replied, with some warmth, “I know of no smells but those of your own making.” This repartee introduced a smart dialogue, in which the Welshman undertook to prove, that though the stench he complained of did not flow from the steward’s own body, he was, nevertheless, the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the ship’s company; and in particular, putrefied cheese, from the use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then he launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave the analysis: he explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods practised to make and preserve it; and concluded with observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the produce of goats and putter. I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present pickle, I should be no welcome guest; and therefore desired Mr. Thomson to go before, and represent my calamity; at which the first mate expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable-tier, and by the main hatchway, to avoid encountering me, desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible, for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Accordingly I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found that I had more causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for I perceived some guests had honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not at all think seasonable; neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, for they were in possession of my chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood.—But considering it would be much easier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after they should be
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multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always close shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate lent me an old bob wig, to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being ended, and everything adjusted in the best manner my circumstances would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it into a consistence with oil and vinegar. Then tasting the dish, assured us, it was the best salmagundy that he had ever made, and recommended it to our palate with such heartiness, that I could not help doing honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured, with a deluge of small beer, to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me, that it was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceding night; which being perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or, in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one another on the outside of the berth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very much at their ease. But it was some time before I could prevail upon myself to trust my carcass at such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of
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which I imagined I should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and, taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite over with such violence that, had I not luckily got hold of Thomson’s hammock, I should have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my skull. After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of the jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the attacks of sleep, till towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was overpowered with slumber, though I did not long enjoy this comfortable situation; being aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not understand. While I was debating with myself whether or not I should wake my companion, and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-masters, who passed by me with a lantern in his hand, that the noise that alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain’s mates, who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account with such interruption every morning at the same hour. Being now more assured of my safety, I addressed myself again to rest, and slept till eight o’clock, when rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted as before; after which visitation my good friend Thomson explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for the occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the mast, where one of the doctor’s mates attended, with applications to dress them.
Much less could I conceive how my friend Thomson would be able to administer clysters
[It’s a pity Thomson was able to overcome the difficulty. His patients would probably have been better off without this treatment, the other half of the bleed-and-purge duo.]
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CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I acquire the Friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a Warrant for me, and makes me a Present of Clothes—A Battle between a Midshipman and me—The Surgeon leaves the Ship—The Captain comes on board with another Surgeon—A Dialogue between the Captain and Morgan—The Sick are ordered to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined—The Consequences of that Order—A Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at Liberty by command of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks and pommels without mercy.
WHILE I was busied with my friend in this practice, the doctor chanced to pass by the place where we were, and, stopping to observe me, appeared very well satisfied with my method of application; and afterwards sent for me to his cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the particulars of my fortune, he interested himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had been already found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for the station I filled on board; and in this good office he the more cordially engaged, when he understood I was nephew to Lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the meantime, I could learn from his discourse, that he did not intend to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, been indifferently used by him during the last voyage.
While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude insults of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his pride, which
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expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours which I had received at his hands.
About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon bidding me to follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed surgeon’s third mate on board the Thunder. This he had procured by his interest at the Navy Office; as also another for himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second rate. I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still further by my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his generosity did not stop here; for, before he left the ship, he made me a present of a chest and some clothes, that enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised me. I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all opposition or affronts. Nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolution. My old enemy the midshipman, whose name was Crampley, entertaining an implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort this bad usage. And even after I had been rated on the books and mustered as surgeon’s mate, he did not think fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being one day present while I dressed a wound in a sailor’s leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment, by observing, that the Scots always laid their account with finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious.
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This unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheekbone; I was not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan and one of the master’s mates, coming that way, interposed, and inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised us either to leave our difference undecided till we should have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else choose a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. This last expedient was greedily embraced by us both; and being forthwith conducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a very furious contest, in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley in the Hole and Tottenham Court. Many cross-buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, till at last my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head, hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion. Morgan, looking down and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, “Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, look you, I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of war.” So saying, he descended to the deck below, to examine into the situation of my adversary; and left me very little
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pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley. But this fear vanished when my fellow-mate, having, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the state of his body, called up to me to be under no concern, for the midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as one would desire to see on a summer’s day. Upon this information, I crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thomson with the affair, who, providing himself with bandages, etc. necessary for the occasion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the combat; and the Welshman, after observing that, in all likelihood, the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me “praise Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it.” I acquired such reputation by this rencontre (which lasted twenty minutes), that everybody became more cautious in behaviour towards me; though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no merit.
About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came on board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according to custom,
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went to wait on him with a sick list, which when this grim commander had perused, he cried with a stern countenance, “Blood and oons! sixty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I’ll have no sick in my ship, by G—d.” The Welshman replied, he should be very glad to find no sick people on board; but while it was otherwise, he did no more than his duty in presenting him with a list. “You and your list may be d—d,” said the captain, throwing it at him; “I say, there shall be no sick in this ship while I have the command of her.” Mr. Morgan being nettled at this treatment, told him, his indignation ought to be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The bashaw not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation; and stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began to manifest itself in, “Captain Oagum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage, look you, and peradventure I am moreover”—Here his harangue was broke off by the captain’s steward, who, being Morgan’s countryman, hurried him out of the cabin before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degree: and this would certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman could hardly be hindered, by his friend’s arguments and entreaties, from re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his teeth. He was, however, appeased at length, and came down to the berth, where, finding Thomson and me at work preparing medicines, he bade us leave off our labour and go
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to play, for the captain, by his sole word, and power, and command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and there was no more malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three times, poured forth an ejaculation of “Cot pless my heart, liver, and lungs!” and then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thomson, who at the same time shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader’s brains were unsettled.
He perceiving our amazement, told us he would explain the mystery; but, at the same time bade us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and widower, almost forty years, and, in all that time, there was no man nor mother’s son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oagum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them, as I have already related it; and had no sooner finished this narration, than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be reviewed. This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their lives; but, as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the other world a great many evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared upon deck, the captain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to eat the king’s provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers.
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The surgeon grinned approbation, and taking the list, began to examine the complaints of each, as they could crawl to the place appointed. The first who came under his cognizance was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much, that he could hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor’s name) having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world; and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain’s mate, with orders that he should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for counterfeiting himself sick: but before the discipline could be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well-nigh perished under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and being then in his interval of health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre countenance, and emaciated body; upon which, he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain: but being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic stitch, and spitting of blood; for which Doctor Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump, to promote expectoration: but whether this was improper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, I know not; for in less than half an hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration, and enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately: it was in vain for this unwieldy wretch
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to allege his utter incapacity; the boatswain’s driver was commanded to whip him up with a cat-o’-nine-tails: the smart of this application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to support it than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plumped into the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a boat alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat till he was hoisted on board by a tackle.
It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they received in the way. Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors; and others, who were ordered to their duty, languished a few days at work among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the number of the sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of this reduction were applauding themselves for the services they had done to their king and country, when the boatswain’s mate informed his honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock by the direction of the doctor’s mate, and that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was as much in his senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately: upon which Morgan protested with great fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March-hare; and begged for the love of Cot, they would at least
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keep his arms pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief. This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with such calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his own hands, and had well-nigh been murdered for his pains. This was confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared he had pulled this patient from the doctor’s mate, whom he had gotten down and almost strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan’s, and was suborned to give his testimony against him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people on board that Mr. Morgan’s wife kept a gin-shop in Rag-Fair. This anecdote produced a laugh at the expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his head with some emotion, said, “Ay, ay, ’tis no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant falsehood.” Captain Oakum, without any further hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time, threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his spite. But the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizen shrouds, crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach, for we would see him play the devil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac, as soon as he was released, fly at the captain like a fury, crying, “I’ll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel,” and pommel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the
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assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution among those who opposed him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with his own Hand—Is diverted from that Resolution by the Arguments and Persuasions of the First Lieutenant and Surgeon—We set sail for St. Helen’s, join the Fleet under the Command of Sir C——n——rO——le, and proceed for the West Indies—Are overtaken by a terrible Tempest—My Friend Jack Rattlin has his Leg broke by a Fall from the Mainyard—The Behaviour of Dr. Mackshane—Jack opposes the Amputation of his Limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, who undertake the Cure, and perform it successfully.
THE captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him, that he might have the pleasure of pistolling him with his own hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing, that, in all appearance, the fellow was not mad but desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain to assassinate him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom, by which means important discoveries might be made, and then sentence the criminal to a death adequate to his demerits. This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridian of his intellects; more
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especially as Doctor Mackshane espoused this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not mad. Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help discovering by his countenance, the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion; and while he bathed the doctor’s face with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a more fit season. Meanwhile, we weighed anchor, and on our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the sentinel attended him at the head, to leap overboard, and frustrate the revenge of the captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead; where having received on board provisions for six months, we sailed from St. Helen’s in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable expedition of Carthagena.
It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of being transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable; and under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable. However, as these complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would allow. We got out of the Channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard. But this state of inaction did not last long; for next night our main-top sail was split by the wind, which in the morning increased to a hurricane. I was wakened by a most horrible din,
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occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the deck above, the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship’s crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps. Morgan, who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, “Cot have mercy and compassion upon us! I believe we have got upon the confines of Lucifer and the d—d!” while poor Thomson lay quaking in his hammock, putting up petitions to Heaven for our safety. I rose and joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves with brandy) I went above; but, if my sense of hearing was startled before, how must my sight have been appalled in beholding the effects of the storm! The sea was swelled into billows mountain high, on the top of which, our ship sometimes hung as if it was about to be precipitated to the abyss below! Sometimes we sunk between two waves that rose on each side higher than our topmast head, and threatened, by dashing together, to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast of one of them gave way, and tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors ran backward and forward with distraction in their looks, hallooing to one another, and undetermined what they should attend to first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into innumerable splinters! While I considered this
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scene with equal terror and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock whereof two sailors were flung from the yard’s arm into the sea, where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin was thrown down upon the deck, at the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the violence of the fall through the skin. As this was a case of too great consequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor, I went down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up dressings, which we always kept ready prepared. I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on his knees, before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but this I will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Doctor Mackshane as a member of the Church of Rome. Be this as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned, I suppose, by his being disturbed in his devotion, and, in a trice, snatched the subject of my suspicion from my sight.
After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on deck, where he lay. He bade me desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him down to the cock-pit, and in the meantime, said he, I will direct Thomson to get ready the dressings. When I signified to the boatswain the doctor’s desire, he swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from the deck, because he expected the mast would go by the board every minute. This piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance of Morgan, I supported him to the lower deck, whither
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Mr. Mackshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thomson, with a box full of dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of capital instruments. He examined the fracture and the wound, and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that a mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately. This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced, with a woeful countenance, “What! is there no remedy, doctor?—must I be dock’d?—can’t you splice it?” “Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,” said the first mate, “with submission, and deference, and veneration, to your superior abilities, and opportunities, and stations, look you, I do apprehend, and conjecture, and aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor man’s leg.” “God Almighty bless you, dear Welshman!” cried Rattlin, “may you have fair wind and weather wheresoever you’re bound, and come to an anchor in the Road of Heaven at last.” Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate’s differing in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to him; and, in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet; at the sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, “Avast, avast! d—n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr. Random, won’t you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb? Odds heart, if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin’s leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk.” This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate’s opinion, and affirm, that the preternatural colour of the skin was owing
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to an inflammation occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such cases, without any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thomson’s sentiments of the matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too; but he, being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest manner, espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who, by this time, having consulted with himself, determined to act in such a manner as to screen himself from censure, and at the same time revenge himself on us for our arrogance in contradicting him. With this view he asked if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril—that is, be answerable for the consequence. To this question Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands of Cot alone; and it would be great presumption in him to undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered his assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to which, at present, we saw no obstruction. I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed, that, shaking us both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, and if he died, his blood should be upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering himself with the prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we should think proper. Accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundum artem. Everything succeeded according to our wish, and we had the satisfaction of not only preserving
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the poor fellow’s leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship’s company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this cure, which was completed in six weeks.
about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard
[Westernmost extremity of Cornwall. Thank you, Wilkie Collins.]
He examined the fracture.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Mackshane’s Malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a Spy—Morgan meets with the same Fate—Thomson is tampered with to turn Evidence against us—Disdains the Proposal, and is maltreated for his Integrity—Morgan is released to assist the Surgeon during an Engagement with some French Ships of War—I remain fettered on the Poop, exposed to the Enemy’s Shot, and grow delirious with Fear—Am comforted after the Battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the Captain; is overheard by the Sentinel, who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thomson grows desperate, and, notwithstanding the Remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes overboard in the Night.
IN the meantime, the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the crew very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance against the Welshman and me. He went among the sick, under pretence of inquiring into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice; but finding himself frustrated in that expectation, by the good will we had procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that surrounded our berth. Here, too, he was detected by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour; and one night, while we were picking a
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large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the outside of our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipt me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could perceive somebody standing; upon which I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, “Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.” It had the desired effect, for we heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabin. I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane from that time marking me out for destruction. About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the master-at-arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired against the captain’s life. How ridiculous soever this imputation was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shown to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during the space of twelve days, in which I was neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the probability of the charge.
I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection, which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for Thomson, who, after condoling me on the occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given an information against me to the captain, in consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized. While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce refrain from laughing at the countenance of
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my fellow-prisoner, who, without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be enclosed in the rings provided for that purpose; but when they pretended to fasten him on his back, he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first man that should approach him, in order to treat him in such an unworthy manner. They were preparing to use him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called up to them to let him remain as he was. He then crept towards me, and taking me by the hand, bade me “put my trust in Cot;” and looking at Thomson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale visage, told him, there were two more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good company. But it was not the intention of our adversary to include the second mate in our fate; him he excepted, to be his drudge in attending the sick, and, if possible, his evidence against us. With this view, he sounded him afar off, but finding his integrity incorruptible, harassed him so much out of spite, that, in a short time, this mild creature grew weary of his life.
While I and my fellow-prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the admiral discovered four sail to leeward, and made signal for our ship and four more to chase: hereupon everything was cleared for an engagement; and Mackshane foreseeing he should have occasion for more assistants than one, obtained Morgan’s liberty; while I was left in this deplorable posture to the chance of battle. It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost chase, which we hailed, and inquired who they were: they gave us to understand they were French men-of-war; upon which Captain Oakum commanded them to send their boat on board of him; but they refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, to come on board of their ship: he then threatened to
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pour in a broadside upon them, which they promised to return. Both sides were as good as their word; and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may guess how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or dashed in pieces by the enemy’s shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were stationed about me; but when I beheld them employed without intermission in annoying the foe, and encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could easily perceive a wide difference between their condition and mine: however, I concealed my agitation as well as I could, till the head of the officer of the marines, who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well-nigh blinded with brains. I could contain myself no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs: when a drummer coming towards me, asked if I was wounded? and before I could answer, received a great shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, and he fell flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft me of all discretion: I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the battle; and finding myself disregarded, lost all patience, and became frantic: I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my spirits being quite exhausted, I remained quiet and insensible of the load that oppressed me.
The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding that he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and hailing the ship with whom he had fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards, and the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on
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board the French commodore. Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates had no sooner despatched their business in the cock-pit, than, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me. Morgan ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and calling to Thomson with great emotion, bade him come up, and take his last farewell of his comrade and countryman, who was posting to a petter place, where there were no Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. “No,” said he, taking me by the hand, “you are going to a country where there is more respect shown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.” Thomson, alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by me, with tears in his eyes, inquired into the nature of my calamity. By this time I had recollected myself so far, as to be able to converse rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being mortally wounded.
After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of the authors of our misery: but our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved, than he reported to the captain every syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he received. The effect of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan in his former station; and gave the second mate a caution to keep a
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strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to accompany us in our confinement. Thomson, foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending the sick and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life altogether, than be much longer under the power of such barbarians. I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure redress, which, I hoped, was not far off, considering, that we should probably be in a harbour in less than three days, where we should have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral. The Welshman joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains to demonstrate, that it was every man’s duty, as well as interest, to resign himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thomson listened attentively to what we said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his head, and left us without making any reply. About eleven at night he came to see us again, with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to understand, that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of taking away his life, and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand, with an uncommon fervour,
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cried, “God bless you both;” and left us to wonder at his singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a deep impression on us.
Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, this unhappy young man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone overboard in the night; and this was certainly the case.
CHAPTER THIRTY
We lament the Fate of our Companion—The Captain offers Morgan his Liberty, which he refuses to accept—We are brought before him, and examined—Morgan is sent back into Custody, whither also I am remanded, after a curious Trial.
THE news of this event affected my fellow-prisoner and me extremely, as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired, by his amiable disposition, the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for Thomson’s death, although he must have been conscious to himself of having driven him by ill usage to that fatal resolution; but desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty again, to look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter him; but he protested he would not be released until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he be a tennis-ball, nor a shuttle-cock, nor a drudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise his tyranny much longer with impunity, was
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willing to show some appearance of justice, and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his clerk on one side, and his counsellor Mackshane on the other.
When we approached, he honoured us with this salutation: “So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard’s arm, without either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d—n my blood! I have too much good-nature, in allowing such dogs as you to make your defence.” “Captain Oakum,” said my fellow-sufferer, “certainly it is in your power (Cot help the while) to tuck us all up at your will, and desire, and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be tucked up, than undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness and parparity, look you. In the meantime, I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see the person who accuses me.” “That you shall,” said the captain; “here, doctor, what have you to say?” Mackshane stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan accosted him thus: “Doctor Mackshane, look in my face—look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between you and me.” The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech, as near as I can remember: “I’ll tell you what, Mr. Morgan, to be sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you
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deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair; for I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody justice. As for my own part, all that I have to allege is, that I have been informed you have spoken disrespectful words against your captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and generous commander in the king’s service, without disparagement or exception of man, woman, or child.” Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume himself, Morgan replied, “I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but, however, I do suppose I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay; or if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope there is no treason in my words.” “But there’s mutiny, by G—d, and that’s death by the articles of war,” cried Oakum. “In the meantime, let the witnesses be called.” Hereupon Mackshane’s servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the purpose. The first declared that Morgan, as he descended the cock-pit ladder one day, cursed the captain, and called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind. “This,” said the clerk, “is a strong presumption of a design formed against the captain’s life. For why? It presupposes malice aforethought, and a criminal intention à priori.” “Right,” said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney’s boy, “you shall have law enough; here’s Cook and Littlejohn for it.”
This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the first mate say that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more brains than an ass. Then the sentinel, who heard our discourse on the poop, was examined, and
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informed the court that the Welshman assured me, Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that there was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would be d—d, unless he had an intention to make away with them before they could have time to repent? This sage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, “What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all aback, brother, ha!” Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain, strutting up to him, with a ferocious countenance, said, “So, Mr. Son of a b—h, you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and pronounced my d—tion? D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you brought to a court-martial, and hanged, you dog.” Here Mackshane, having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan, with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he, the delinquent, should make such submission as the nature of the misdemeanour demanded.
Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of God a peast. “But,” said he, “I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox, so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tiger; therefore I made use of these similes to express
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my sentiments, look you, and what I said before Cot, I will not unsay before man or peast neither.” Oakum was so provoked at this insolence, as he termed it, that he ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question put to me was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland. “The north of Ireland, more like,” cried the captain; “but we shall bring you up presently.” He then asked what religion I professed; and when I answered, “The Protestant,” swore I was as arrant a Roman as ever went to mass. “Come, come, clerk,” continued he, “catechise him a little on this subject.” But before I relate the particulars of the clerk’s inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader that our commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. “You say you are a Protestant,” said the clerk; “make the sign of the cross with your fingers—so; and swear upon it to that affirmation.” When I was about to perform this ceremony, the captain cried, with some emotion, “No, no, d—me! I’ll have no profanation, neither. But go on with your interrogations.” “Well, then,” proceeded my examiner, “how many sacraments are there?” To which I replied, “Two.” “What are they?” said he. I answered, “Baptism and the Lord’s Supper.” “And so you would explode Confirmation and Marriage altogether?” said Oakum; “I thought this fellow was a rank Roman.” The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by observing, that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with asking, if I believed in transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of a real presence with such disrespect,
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that his patron was scandalised at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being a spy on board; and that I had entered into a conspiracy with Thomson, and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain Oakum: which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of our boy, who declared, he had often heard the deceased Thomson and me whispering together, and could distinguish the words “Oakum, rascal, poison, pistol.” By which expressions it appeared we did intend to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction; that the death of Thomson seemed to confirm this conjecture; who, either feeling the stings of remorse, for being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own existence. But what established the truth of the whole was a book in ciphers, found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest, after his disappearance. This, he observed, was a presumption very near proof positive, and would determine any jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own defence, I alleged that I had been dragged on board at first very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now in the ship, consequently could have no design of becoming spy at that time; and ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence that could justly entail that suspicion upon me. As for conspiring against my captain’s life, it could not be supposed that any man in his right wits would harbour the least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all the inclination in the world. That, allowing the boy’s evidence to be true
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(which I affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive could be gathered from a few incoherent words. Neither was the fate of Mr. Thomson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket a letter which too well explained that mystery, in a very different manner from that which was supposed. With these words I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to me the very day after Thomson disappeared; and told me it was committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, which were these:
“Dear Friend,—I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction, as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from this miserable life, and before you receive this, shall be no more. I could have wished to die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my life; but if you cannot acquit me, I know you will at least preserve some regard for the memory of an unfortunate young man who loved you. I recommend it to you to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to be remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman,
“William Thomson.”
This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage, snatched it out of the clerk’s hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying, it was a villanous forgery, contrived and executed by myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I insisted on having the remains of it compared with other writings of Thomson, which they had in their possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of my accusation, namely, the book of ciphers found among my papers. “That is easily
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done,” said I; “what you are pleased to call ciphers, are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement, I kept a diary of everything remarkable that has occurred to my observation, since the beginning of the voyage till the day on which I was put in irons; and the same method was practised by Mr. Thomson, who copied mine.” “A very likely story!” cried Mackshane; “what occasion was there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you had wrote? But what d’ye talk of Greek characters? D’ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country.” So saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish, which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed, “Ah! ah! have you caught a tartar?” I could not help smiling at the consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the dispute to anybody on board who understood the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan was brought back, and being made acquainted with the affair, took the book and read a whole page in English without hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. The doctor was so far from being out of countenance at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention. Oakum said, “Ay, ay, I see they are both in a story;” and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I proposed that he and I should read and translate separately, any chapter or verse in the Greek Testament in his possession, by which it would appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with eloquence enough to convince the
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captain that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged to be examined by some unconcerned person on board, who understood Greek.
Accordingly the whole ship’s company, officers and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed, that if any of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should ascend the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause, two fore-mast men came up, and professed their skill in that language, which, they said, they acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal-book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither read nor write: the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and addressing himself to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not understand. I asserted, that the modern Greek was as different from that spoke and written by the ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time of Hengist; and as I had only learned the true original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it could not be supposed that I should know anything of an imperfect Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any traces of the old expression. But if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be master of the Greek language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment he should think proper to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words, than the surgeon, knowing one of these fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued
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between them, which they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea from his companion, before they could venture to assert such an intrepid falsehood. “I thought,” said Oakum, “we should discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried back to his confinement. I find he must dangle.” Having nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan; and not daring to disburden his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the sentinel, burst forth into a Welsh song, which he accompanied with a thousand contortions of face, and violent gestures of body.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
I discover a Subornation against me, by means of a Quarrel between two of the Evidences; in consequence of which I am set at Liberty, and prevail upon Morgan to accept of his Freedom on the same Terms—Mackshane’s Malice—We arrive at Jamaica, from whence, in a short Time, we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India Squadron—We take in Water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—Reflections on our Conduct there.
MEANWHILE, a quarrel happened between the two modern Greeks, the one, to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of Mackshane’s dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that, now we were in sight of Jamaica, we
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should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and, at the same time, of making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for us with the captain so effectually, that, in a few hours, we were set at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty. This was a happy event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want of motion. But I could scarce persuade the Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he persisting in his obstinacy to remain in irons until he should be discharged by a court-martial, which he believed would also do him justice on his enemies. At length I represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England. This last argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair with me to the cock-pit, which I no sooner entered than the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, entreaties, and professions of penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of stockings, and a couple of old check shirts, of which his servant had since plundered him.
The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on Mackshane’s man in oaths and execrations, threatening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore in his turn, that he never had the keys in his possession till that time, when he
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received them from his master, with orders to deliver them to us. “As Cot is my judge,” cried Morgan, “and my salfation, and my witness, whosoever has pilfered my provisions, is a lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire! I will impeach, and accuse, and indict him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.”—Had this misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the loss, in all probability this descendant of Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely; but, when I observed how easy it would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he became more calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion. A little while after this transport, the surgeon came into the berth, under pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, he said, he had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but he (the doctor) had passed his word for our future conduct, and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his kindness. He expected, no doubt, an acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of service, as well as a general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget, that, if our deliverance was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his malice. I therefore sat silent, while my companion answered, “Ay, ay, ’tis no matter. Cot knows the heart—there is a time for all things, as the wise man saith; there is a time for throwing away stones, and a time to gather them up again.” He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering something about “ingratitude” and “fellows,” of which we did not think fit to take any notice.
Our fleet having joined another that waited for us,
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lay at anchor about a month in the harbour at Port Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstanding the insinuations of some who affirmed we had no business at all in that place; that, in order to take the advantage of the season proper for our enterprise, the West India squadron, which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we could have sailed directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves in a good posture of defence, or, indeed, have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; but, before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having first despatched an advice-boat to Carthagena, with an account of our being in those seas, as also of our strength and destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood, and brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day. At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer. Here again certain malicious people took occasion to blame the conduct of their superiors, by saying that, in so doing, they not only unprofitably wasted time, which was very precious, considering the approach of the rainy season, but also allowed the Spaniards to recollect themselves from the terror occasioned by the approach of an English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But, if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the matter,
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I would ascribe this delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage that fortune might give them, even over an enemy. At last, however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour’s mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on the beach in despite of the enemy’s shot, which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of conduct, in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy’s fortification, which, I believe, never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a few months before. This expedient again has furnished matters for censure against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such an important enterprise, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at home. But surely our governors had their reasons for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate service; or the colonels and field officers of the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sinecures or pensions, for some domestic services tendered to the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they are much to be commended.
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CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a Fascine Battery—Our Ship is ordered, with four more, to batter the Fort of Boca Chica—Mackshane’s Cowardice—The Chaplain’s Frenzy—Honest Rattlin loses one Hand—His Heroism, and Reflections on the Battle—Crampley’s Behaviour to me during the Heat of the Fight.
OUR forces, being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy, and in something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined, in a council of war, that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the battery, strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the other.
Accordingly the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was hoisted, we being advertised the night before to make everything clear for that purpose; and in so doing, a difference happened between Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had well-nigh terminated in an open rupture. The doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy’s shot in the cock-pit than in the centre of the earth, was lately informed that a surgeon’s mate had been killed in that part of the ship, by a cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a platform raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded in the after-hold, where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above. The captain, offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him
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of pusillanimity, and told him there was no room in the hold for such an occasion; or, if there was, he could not expect to be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cock-pit for that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was authorised. The captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never at sea; nevertheless, he was obliged to comply, and sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it: but, before any such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to trust his carcase in the cock-pit, where Morgan and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.
Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed, and, in less than half an hour, came to an anchor before the castle of Boca Chica, with a spring upon our cable; and the cannonading (which, indeed, was terrible!) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed with us in quality of assistants, followed his example, while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration. And, that the reader may know it was not a common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that astounded us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-four great guns, beside a mortar and small arms, in Boca Chica, thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph, twenty in two fascine batteries, and four men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns each. This was answered by our land battery, mounted with twenty-one cannon, two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships of eighty or seventy guns,
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that fired without intermission. We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought another on his back to the cock-pit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth, without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the condition of the wounded man, and cried out, “As I shall answer now, the man is as tead as my great-grandfather.”—“Dead,” said his comrade, “he may be dead now, for aught I know, but I’ll be d—d if he was not alive when I took him up.”—So saying, he was about to return to his quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with him, and throw it overboard.—“D—n the body!” said he, “I think ’tis fair enough if I take care of my own.” My fellow-mate, snatching up the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, crying, “You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of the ship?” but was stopped in his career by one calling, “Yo ho, avast there—scaldings.” “Scaldings!” answered Morgan, “Cot knows, ’tis hot enough, indeed: who are you?” “Here’s one,” replied the voice. And I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend, Jack Rattlin, who, coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand which had been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing, that every shot had its commission. It was well it did not take him in the head; or, if it had, what then? he should have died bravely, fighting for his king and country: death was a debt which every man owed, and must pay; and that now was as well as another time. I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this sea philosopher,
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who endured the amputation of his left hand without shrinking; the operation being performed, at his request, by me, after Mackshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb. While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack’s opinion of the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do no good. “For why? because instead of dropping anchor close under shore, where we should have had to deal with one corner of Boca Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and Fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to cannonade; that, besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was scarce anybody on board who understood the pointing of a gun. Ah! God help us!” continued he, “if your kinsman Lieutenant Bowling had been here, we should have had other guess-work.”
By this time our patients had increased to such a number, that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon, that, if he did not get up immediately, and perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his warrant. This remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argument in which he thought his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle of rum, which he freely communicated to the chaplain and purser, who had as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself: being thus supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without mercy. The fumes of the liquor
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mounting into the parson’s brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to make him quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin, and besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon deck in that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment, endeavoured to allay his transports with reason; but, finding all he said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics, he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in the power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet. While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot happened to take us between wind and water, and, its course being through the purser’s storeroom, made a terrible havock and noise among the jars and bottles in its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropped his scalpel, and, falling down on his knees, pronounced his paternoster aloud; the purser fell backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him under; so that we were obliged to confine him in the surgeon’s cabin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagances. Much about this time, my old antagonist Crampley came down, with express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter; his reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service, being, that, in case I should be killed or disabled by the way, my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship’s company than that of the doctor or his first mate. At another time, perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which
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I was not bound to pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view I provided myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and uproar! Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast, no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to my arm-pits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told him Crampley had singled me out, as if by express command; at which reply he seemed surprised, and threatened to punish the midshipman for his presumption after the engagement: in the meantime I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the captain expected him immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his instructions; whereupon Morgan, who, I believe, was jealous of my reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity. The captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as the service should be over.
Boca Chica is in what is now the Dominican Republic, the non-Haiti half of Hispaniola.
set about erecting a fascine battery
[A fascine is a bundle of sticks, used for reinforcing trenches or ramparts. (Yes, the modern word “fascist” is related.) And, as long as I’ve got the dictionary open, a cohorn or coehorn is a kind of small mortar. It is named for one Baron Cochorn, who must not have been particular about the spelling of his name. Chapter Forty-Five mentions “Monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer”, who may be the same person.]
our patients had increased to such a number, that we did not know which to begin with
[The concept of triage would not become established in Europe until the Napoleonic wars; in the US it had to wait until the Civil War.]
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CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
A Breach being made in the Walls, our Soldiers give the Assault, and take the Place without opposition—Our Sailors at the same time become Masters of all the other Strengths near Boca Chica, and take possession of the Harbour—The good Consequence of the Success—We move nearer the Town—Find two Forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up with sunk Vessels; which, however, we find means to clear—Land our Soldiers at La Quinta—Repulse a Body of Militia—Attack the Castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great Loss—The Remains of our Army are re-embarked—An Effort of the Admiral to take the Town—The Economy of our Expedition described.
HAVING cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were all ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement was renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the enemy’s fire from Boca Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite silenced. A breach being made on the other side, by our land battery, large enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it,—our general proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a detachment on that duty. Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained by resolute men till the day of judgment, against all the force we could exert in the attack: and while our soldiers took possession of the enemy’s ramparts without resistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish man-of-war; the other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not
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fall into our hands. The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and occasioned great joy among us; as we laid our accounts with finding little or no opposition from the town: and, indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it is not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes disdained, as a barbarous insult over the enemy’s distress, and gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his cause so effectually, that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me during the action.
But of all the consequences of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser’s quart per diem for each man, in the torrid zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours; especially as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork of New England, which, though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of both; bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece of clock-work, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the gill, that tasted like train-oil thickened with salt. Instead of small beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which was distributed every morning,
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diluted with a certain quantity of his water, without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable; for which reason, this composition was, by the sailors, not unaptly styled Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a scarcity of it on board, for there was at this time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of half a gallon per day to each man: but this fast must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance on the ship’s company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become more resolute and regardless of danger. How simple, then, do those people argue, who ascribe the mortality among us to our bad provision and want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from Jamaica, and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and fleet! seeing, it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained. After all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country mastiffs, which shut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their valour.
But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery, a piece of service that detained us more than a week, we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to
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open a passage for some ships, that favoured a second landing of our troops, at a place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of Spaniards who opposed their disembarkation, they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and commanded the city. Whether our renowned general had nobody in his army who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but, certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with musketry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest part of the detachment took up their everlasting residence on the spot. Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach, near Boca Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. The sick and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the name of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing few of them could boast of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was so confined, that the miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds. Their wounds and stumps being neglected, contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known, that every great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for this duty; an expedient which would have been more than sufficient to remove this shocking inconvenience. But, perhaps, the general was too much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from
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his fellow chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so much from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for I may venture to affirm, that, by this time, the demon of Discord, with her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our counsels; and it might be said of these great men, (I hope they will pardon the comparison,) as of Cæsar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other was impatient of an equal; so that, between the pride of one and insolence of another, the enterprise miscarried, according to the proverb, “Between two stools, the backside falls to the ground.” Not that I would be thought to liken any public concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang an a—se at its disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a joint-stool, or a close-stool, but only to signify by this simile the mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments that were never joined.
A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town. Accordingly she was towed into the inner harbour in the night, and moored within half a mile of the walls, against which she began to fire at day-break; and continued about six hours exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they could in their boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter of speculation to all the wits either in the army or navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge it was a stroke of policy above
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their comprehension. Some entertained such an irreverent opinion of the admiral’s understanding, as to think he expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen guns. Others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy’s strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of great ships that would be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But this last conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third sort swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking, than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill.
A fourth class, and that the most numerous, though, without doubt, composed of the sanguine and malicious, plainly taxed this commander for want of honesty, as well as sense; and alleged, that he ought to have sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; that, where the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general, without being solicited, or even desired, towards their preservation and advantage; that, if his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it was his duty to have rendered it as practicable as possible, without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to batter the town, while the land forces stormed the castle; by these means a considerable diversion would have been made in favour of those troops, who, in their march to the assault, and in their retreat, suffered much more from the town than from the castle; that the inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted, and confused, and, in all probability, unable to resist the assailants. But all these suggestions surely proceeded from ignorance
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and malevolence, or else the admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discerning. True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot, asserted that there was not water enough for our great ships near the town; though this was a little unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast, almost up at the very walls. The disappointments we suffered occasioned a universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must have inevitably happened, had we remained much longer in this place. Such was the economy in some ships, that, rather than be at the trouble of interring the dead, the commanders ordered their men to throw their bodies overboard, many without either ballast or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcasses floated in the harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows, which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived. At the same time the wet season began, during which a deluge of rain falls from the rising to the setting of the sun, without intermission; and that no sooner ceases, than it begins to thunder and lighten with such continual flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the illumination.
millions of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their sores
[Well, that’s something. At least the wounds will be kept clean.]
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CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
An Epidemic Fever rages among us—We abandon our Conquests—I am seized with the Distemper—Write a Petition to the Captain, which is rejected—I am in danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley; and relieved by a Serjeant—My Fever increases—The Chaplain wants to Confess me—I obtain a favourable Crisis—Morgan’s Affection for me proved—The Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain Oakum is removed into another Ship, with his beloved Doctor—Our new Captain described—An Adventure of Morgan.
THE change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired, with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own constitutions impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such violence, that three-fourths of those whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner; the colour of their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of the juices, changed into that of soot.
Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived it was high time to relinquish our conquests; and this we did, after having rendered their artillery useless, and blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just as we sailed from Boca Chica on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance for my life, if I should be obliged to lie in the cock-pit, which by this time was grown intolerable, even to people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the captain, representing my case, and humbly imploring his permission to lie among the soldiers in the middle deck, for the benefit of the air:
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but I might have spared myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon’s mates, or else to be contented to lie in the hospital, which, by the by, was three degrees more offensive and more suffocating than our own berth below.
Another in my condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thoughts of perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune. I therefore, without minding Oakum’s injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers, whose good will I had acquired, to admit my hammock among them, and actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation; which Crampley no sooner understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of his orders, and was invested with the power to turn me down again into my proper habitation. This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my fever to a violent degree. While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a Serjeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, after they had been demolished by a splinter during our last engagement. He being informed of my condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a port-hole that remained open within it. I embraced this proposal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hen-coop, during the whole passage. Here I lay, and enjoyed the breeze; notwithstanding which, my malady gained
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ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from my cabin window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic boluses, I put them in my mouth, ’tis true, but without any intention of swallowing them; and, when he went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel: I seemingly complied in this manner, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity; for he acted as my physician, Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about me, or even knowing where I was. When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought my case desperate; and, after having applied a blister to the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woeful countenance, recommend myself to Cot and my Reteemer; then taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual consolation to me; but before he arrived, I made shift to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on my back. The parson having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: “Mr. Random, God out of his infinite mercy hath been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of which no man knows. You may be permitted to recover, and live many days on the face of the earth; and,
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which is more probable, you may be taken away and cut off in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, which I conjure you to make, without hesitation or mental reservation; and when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery; tell me, therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each, especially the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your conscience: for no physician will prescribe for his patient until he knows the circumstances of his disease.” As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling at the chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant Church, in recommending auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined.
This reply disconcerted him a little; however he explained away his meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was absolutely necessary, and what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word the chaplain expressed great astonishment, and said he could not apprehend how a Presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government. Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths: to which questions I replying in the negative, he held up his hands, assured me he could do
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me no service, wished I might not be in a state of reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making merry in the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo* and wine. This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous; I began to see strange chimeras, and concluded myself on the point of becoming delirious: in the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea; and as my friend the Serjeant was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my hammock. The appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and resolution enough to take advantage of this favourable symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body, and sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which enclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt the pains of hell; but it was not long before I was recompensed for my suffering, by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours relieved me from all my complaints, except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a kite.
*
Bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg.
I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of my future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the Serjeant if I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the other, “God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.” “Aye,” said my fellow-mate, “he sleeps
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so sound, look you, that he will never waken till the great trump blows. Cot be merciful to his soul! He has paid his debt like an honest man. Aye, and moreover he is at rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Cot knows, and I know, he had his own share, Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth, indeed,” So saying, he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The Serjeant, alarmed at his words, came into the berth, and while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink; he immediately guessed my meaning, and, remaining silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead: whereupon he approached with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with the sight of the object. And I counterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes, and dropping my under jaw, that he said, “There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay. Cot help me;” and observed, by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle. I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth; upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers, and discomposed him so much, that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of Horror.
Although I could not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease. But when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune, not failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had applied to my back, at his last visit, “Which, by the by,”
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said he, “must now be removed and dressed.” He was actually going to fetch dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, said, “Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to me; there is nothing on my back, I assure you.” But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in finding the skin untouched, and the plaster missing. In order to excuse myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who on this occasion abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I recovered strength every day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-established. When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word. After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me, with a fierce countenance, pronounced, “Here’s fine discipline on board, when such lazy skulking sons of b—hes as you are allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard duty!” The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me so much, that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore. At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and
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swore he longed for nothing more than such an opportunity.
Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England; and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much, as to be safe without the tropic; all his care and tenderness of himself being insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun and weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander came on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin, young man, dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed upon his shoulders, in ringlets, tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, consisting of pink-coloured silk lined with white, by the elegance of the cut retired backward, as it were to discover a white satin waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a brooch set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin. The knees of his crimson velvet breeches scarcely descended so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles, that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his
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face, and white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the little finger of each hand. In this garb Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition; and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the clime of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he had found an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected; and remembering the old proverb, “Spare to speak, and spare to speed,” resolved to solicit the new captain’s interest immediately, before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship.
With this view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same (neither of them very clean), which, for his future misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing on a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap bordered with lace about his head; and, after several low congees, began in this manner: “Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon the presumption of one who has not the honour of being known unto you, but who is, nevertheless, a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Cot help me, in the world.” Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started up with great amazement at the novelty of the apparition; and having recollected himself, pronounced, with a look and tone signifying disdain, curiosity, and surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s first
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mate on board of this ship,” replied Morgan, “and I most vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased to condescend, and vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I hope will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.” As he proceeded in his speech, he continued advancing toward the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried, with great emotion, “Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow, away with thee. Curse thee, fellow! get thee gone. I shall be stunk to death!” At the noise of his outcries, his servants ran into his apartment, and he accosted them thus: “Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacrificed!—Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him! oh! oh!” With these interjections he sunk down upon his settee in a fit; his valet de chambre plied him with a smelling bottle, one footman chafed his temples with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who, coming to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance, and, according to his custom, when he received an indignity which he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty. I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits, and desired to know the cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked, with great emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? “A monster and a stinkard,” said I, with some surprise, “did anybody call you so?” “Cot is my judge,” replied he, “Captain Fifle did call me both; aye, and all the water in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. I do affirm, and vouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no
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smells about me, but such as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb, and he is a son of a mountain goat who says otherwise. As for my being a monster, let that be as it is: I am as Cot was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall aver of him who gave me that title; for I will proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, and transmographied with affectation and whimsies, and that he is more like a papoon than one of the human race.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Captain Whiffle sends for me—His Situation described—His Surgeon arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to Bed—A Bed is put up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the State Room, which, with other parts of the Captain’s Behaviour, gives the Ship’s Company a very unfavourable Idea of their Commander—I am detained in the West Indies by the Admiral, and go on Board of the Lizard Sloop of War in quality of Surgeon’s Mate, where I make myself known to the Surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I go on Shore, sell my Ticket, purchase Necessaries, and, at my Return on Board, am surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed Lieutenant of the Sloop—We sail on a Cruise—Take a Prize, in which I arrive at Port Morant, under the Command of my Messmate, with whom I live in great Harmony.
HE was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin; and with this command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rose water from the medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand
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by the door, until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitred me at a distance with a spy-glass. He having consulted one sense in this manner, bade me advance gradually, that his nose might have intelligence, before it could be much offended. I therefore approached with great caution and success, and he was pleased to say, “Aye, this creature is tolerable.” I found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head supported by his valet de chambre, who, from time to time, applied a smelling bottle to his nose. “Vergette,” said he, in a squeaking tone, “dost thou think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? may I venture to submit my arm to him?” “Pon my vord,” replied the valet, “I do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing one small quantity of blodt; and the young man ave quelque chose of de bonne mien.” “Well, then,” said his master, “I think I must venture.” Then, addressing himself to me, “Hast thou ever blooded any body but brutes? But I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most damnable lie.” “Brutes, Sir?” answered I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his pulse, “I never meddle with brutes.” “What the devil art thou about?” cried he; “dost thou intend to twist off my hand? God’s curse! my arm is benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I, to come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper!” I craved pardon for having handled him so roughly, and, with the utmost care and tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from him, and when I answered, “Not above twelve ounces,” started up with a look full of horror, and bade me be gone, swearing I had a design upon
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his life. Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hands, told me the captain never lost above an ounce and three drachms at one time. While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion, with a kind of languid smile on his face, which seemed to have been rendered habitual by a long course of affectation. The captain no sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying, “O! my dear Simper! I am excessively disordered! I have been betrayed, frighted, murdered by the negligence of my servants, who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco.” Simper, who by this time I found was obliged to art for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of softness and sympathy, and lamented, with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then feeling his patient’s pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of tincture of castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack posset; after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side under which he lay.
While the captain enjoyed his repose, the doctor watched over him, and indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the state room, where Whiffle slept, that he might be at hand
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in case of accidents in the night. Next day, our commander being happily recovered, gave orders that none of the lieutenants should appear upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt, or dirty linen. He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper, and his own servants, from coming into the great cabin, without first sending in to obtain leave. These singular regulations did not prepossess the ship’s company in his favour; but on the contrary, gave Scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his character, and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with the surgeon not fit to be named.
In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hopes of revisiting my native country in a very short time, when the admiral’s surgeon came on board, and sending for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West Indies; that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great ship that was bound for England; and desired us to agree between ourselves, before the next day at that hour, which of us should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this proposal, and stared at one another some time without speaking; at length the Welshman broke silence, and offered to remain in the West Indies, provided the admiral would give him a surgeon’s warrant immediately: but he was told there was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the station of mate, till he should be further provided for in due course. Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for which the Commissioners of the Navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, that if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before to-morrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance. When I recalled
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to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my advancement in the navy, and, at the same time, reflected on the present dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, which every day almost reduced the number, I could not help thinking my success would be much more certain and expeditious by my staying where I was, than by returning to Europe. I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan, he need not trouble himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admiral’s pleasure. This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare the worse with me for my resignation. Indeed, he was as good as his word, and that very afternoon procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon’s mate of the Lizard sloop of war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service.
My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe that lay alongside, and having shook hands with my trusty friend the serjeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve-buttons as remembrances of each other. Having presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw, than I recollected him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the Round House, during our frolic with Jackson, as I have related before. He received me with a good deal of courtesy, and when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good mess,
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composed of the gunner and master’s mate. As there was not one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day with the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew that bought my ticket at the rate of forty per cent. discount; and having furnished myself with what necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, and, to my surprise, found my old antagonist Crampley walking upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of some friends about the admiral, had procured a commission, constituting him lieutenant on board the Lizard; and advised me, now he was my superior officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a reconciliation with, the wretch who had on many occasions treated me so inhumanly. However, I resolved to have as little connexion as possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.
In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and, having weathered the east end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners who were well we put on shore on the north side of the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen, and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend the master’s mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizard’s cruise should be ended, at
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which time she would touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore, in a house that was to be hired as an hospital. This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I should for some time be freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already broke out on two or three occasions since he was become a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much resembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with the utmost civility and confidence; and, among other favours, made me a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy. We arrived safely at Morant, and going on shore, pitched upon an empty storehouse, which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of the ship’s company appointed to attend them and obey me.
the captain never lost above an ounce and three drachms at one time
[Total, 11 drams or about 40⅔ cc.]
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
A Strange Adventure—In consequence of which I am extremely happy—Crampley does me ill Offices with the Captain: but his Malice is defeated by the Good Nature and Friendship of the Surgeon—We return to Port Royal—Our Captain gets the Command of a larger Ship, and is succeeded by an old Man—Brayl is provided for—We receive Orders to sail for England.
WHEN my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander, whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich planter, with whom he was acquainted; where
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we were sumptuously entertained, and, in the evening, set out on our return to the ship. When we had walked about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a horseman behind us, who, coming up, wished us good even, and asked which way we went? His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck my ear, than, in spite of all my resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be under no concern. I told him he was mistaken in the cause of my disorder; and, addressing myself to the person on horseback, said, “I could have sworn by your voice, that you was a dear friend of mine, if I had not been certain of his death.” To this address, after some pause, he replied, “There are many voices as well as faces that resemble one another; but pray, what was your friend’s name?” I satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short detail of the melancholy fate of Thomson, not without many sighs and some tears. A silence ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation turned on different subjects, till we arrived at a house on the road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness, that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we could not resist. But if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement be, when I discovered by the light the very person of my lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he clasped me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It was some time ere I recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with this event, and longer still before I could speak; so that all I was capable of was to return his embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; whilst honest Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his participation of our happiness, by
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hugging us both, and capering about the room like a madman. At length I retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried, “Is it possible, can you be my friend Thomson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned! and I am now under the deception of a dream!” He was at great pains to convince me of his being the individual person whom I regretted, and, bidding me sit down and compose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to account for his being at present in the land of the living.
This task he acquitted himself of, after I had drank a glass of punch, and recollected my spirits, by informing us, that, with a determination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he had gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship was on her way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he could by the bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation, and, as he could swim very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the ships astern; that, in this situation, he hailed a large vessel, and begged to be taken in, but was answered that she was a heavy sailer, and therefore they did not choose to lose time by bringing to; however, they threw an old chest overboard for his convenience, and told him, that some of the ships astern would certainly save him; that no other vessel came within sight or cry of him for the space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification to find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without other support or resting-place but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at last he discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon which he set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which was hoisted out on purpose. “I was no sooner brought on board,” continued he, “than I fainted, and when I recovered my
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senses, found myself in bed regaled with a most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think, at first, that I was in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and that all which had passed was no more than a dream. Upon inquiry I understood that I was on board of a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese; and that the master’s name was Robertson, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old school-fellow of mine.
“When I discovered myself to him he was transported with surprise and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to religion were very severe and confined; therefore contented myself with telling him, I fell overboard by accident; but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my disagreeable station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never to return to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not of my opinion in that particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes, and what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet, when I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led, under the tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my shipmates, and the want of the true Presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all thought of rising in the navy; and, that he might show how much he had my interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before he should leave Jamaica. This promise he performed to my heart’s desire, by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since, in quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and his
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lady are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this house, to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company during the remaining part of the night.”—I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship: however, he supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful glass, set out for the vessel, which was not above three miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout negroes, whom Mr. Thomson ordered to conduct him. Never were two friends more happy in the conversation of each other than we, for the time it lasted. I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon Carthagena, of which he had heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every little incident of his life since we parted. He assured me, it was with the utmost difficulty he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day of our separation; but that he was restrained by the fear of being detained as a deserter. He told me, that, when he heard my voice in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was at seeing him afterwards; and, in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her parents, and did not despair obtaining their consent to the match; which would at once render him independent of the world. I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he protested should never make him forget his friends; and towards morning we betook ourselves to rest.
Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where
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Mr. Brayl entertained him at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his affection. In short, while we stayed here, we saw one another every day, and generally ate at the same table, which was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds of poultry, butcher’s meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine apples, Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten days was by far the most agreeable period of my life.
At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins, that there was a dryness between the lieutenant and him on my account; that rancorous villain having taken the opportunity of my absence to fill the captain’s ears with a thousand scandalous stories to my prejudice; among other things, affirming, that I had once been transported for theft, and that, when I was in the Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same crime. The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from my own mouth, defended me strenuously, and, in the course of that good-natured office, recounted all the instances of Crampley’s malice against me while I remained on board of that ship; which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as much my defender’s enemy as mine. This infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to my former resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite beside myself with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have been my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confidant, argued against such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame which consumed me for the present, and resolved
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to wait for a more convenient opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow’s slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr. Thomson, whose wonderful escape I had made him acquainted with, and inquire of him into the particulars of my conduct, while he was my fellow-mate. This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good opinion of me, which, he assured me, was already firmly established. He therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and, being received with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the ship, not only satisfied with my character beyond the power of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conversation of Thomson, who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stocks, liquors, and fruit. As he would not venture to come and see us on board, lest Crampley should know and detain him, when the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him farewell. After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed upon me a purse with four doubloons, which I refused as long as I could, without giving umbrage; and, having cordially embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins. Knowing the superscription to be of Thomson’s hand-writing, I opened it with some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not contented with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for my use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread stockings.—Being thus provided with money, and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon myself as a
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gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride dilate apace.
Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our prizes; and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and, having purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at a sale, made a swaggering figure for some days among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket. Meanwhile, our captain was promoted to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to a man turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign of King William, and, notwithstanding his long service, would have probably died in that station, had he not applied some prize money he had lately received, to make interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time, after he had served in quality of a midshipman and mate five-and-twenty years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry home despatches for the ministry; and we set sail for England, having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the occasion.
“When I discovered myself to him open quote missing
[Still Thomson speaking. Later in the paragraph there is the expected close-quote.]
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CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
We depart for Europe—A Misunderstanding arises between the Captain and Surgeon, through the scandalous Aspersions of Crampley—The Captain dies—Crampley tyrannises over the Surgeon, who falls a Victim to his Cruelty—I am also ill-used—The Ship strikes—The Behaviour of Crampley and the Seamen on that Occasion—I get on Shore, challenge the Captain to single Combat—Am treacherously knocked down, wounded, and robbed.
NOW that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal island, which has been the grave of so many Europeans; and as I was accommodated with everything to render the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the insolence of Crampley would permit. This insidious slanderer had found means already to cause a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who, by his age and infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition having also been soured by a long course of disappointments. He had a particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he considered as unnecessary animals on board of a ship; and, in consequence of these sentiments, never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit of the gout and gravel; but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was his sovereign prescription against all distempers. Whether he was at this time too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always despised, and was found stiff next morning, to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who succeeded to the command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and I had
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no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day of his command justified our apprehension. For, on pretence that the decks were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon’s hen-coops, with all his fowls, to be thrown overboard; and at the same time prohibited him and me from appearing on the quarter-deck. Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and, in the course of his expostulation, dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a few days, for want of air, he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after he had made his will, by which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his sister, and left me his watch and instruments, as memorials of his friendship. I was penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion; the more because there was nobody on board to whom I could communicate my sorrows, or of whom I could receive the least consolation or advice. Crampley was so far from discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon’s death, that he insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny; for which reason he would not suffer the service of the dead to be read over his body before it was thrown overboard.
Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life the more irksome, signified to my messmates a desire that I should be expelled from their society. This was no sooner hinted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat in a solitary manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which however soon drew to a period.
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We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain, that, by his reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how to keep the ship’s way, for we were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead. Accordingly we continued our course all that afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner pretended to discover Scilly light, and next morning protested in form against the captain’s conduct, for which he was put in confinement. We discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect sounding; but at three o’clock in the morning the ship struck, and remained fast on a sandbank. This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted out; but, as we could not discern which way the shore lay, we were obliged to wait for daylight. In the meantime the wind increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with such violence, that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner was released, and consulted. He advised the captain to cut away the mast, in order to lighten her; this expedient was performed without success. The sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, according to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the officers, dressed themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without ceremony; and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued. In the midst of this uproar I went below, to secure my own effects; and found the carpenter’s mate hewing down the purser’s cabin with his hatchet, whistling all the while with great composure. When I asked his intention in so doing, he replied very calmly, “I only want to taste the purser’s rum, that’s all, master.” At that instant the purser coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck,
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complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the fellow what occasion he had for liquor, when, in all likelihood, he should be in eternity in a few minutes. “All’s one for that,” said the plunderer, “let us live while we can.” “Miserable wretch that thou art,” cried the purser, “what must be thy lot in the other world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery?” “Why, hell, I suppose,” replied the other, with great deliberation, while the purser fell upon his knees, and begged of Heaven that we might not all perish for the sake of one Jonas. During this dialogue, I clothed myself in my best apparel, girded on my hanger, stuck my pistols loaded in my belt, disposed of all my valuable movables about my person, and came upon deck with a resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke, appeared at the distance of three miles ahead. Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat, which he had no sooner done, than the ship’s company followed so fast, that she would have sunk alongside, had not some one wiser than the rest cut the rope, and put off. But before this happened, I had made several attempts to get in, and was always balked by the captain, who was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the endeavours of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking it, swore I would shoot any man who would presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on board of the boat with the loss of the skin of my shins. I chanced in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own safety to mind what
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he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and the sea terrible high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour after we parted from the sloop.
As soon as I set foot on terra firma, my indignation, which had boiled so long within me, broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his choice: he took one without hesitation, and before I could cock the other, fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain, discharged mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged; then flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore teeth with the butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an end of him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant when he received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my hanger, and having flung my pistol at his head, closed with him in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, upon which his cutlass dropped and he remained defenceless. I know not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the back part of my head, which deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable situation, exposed to the rage of an incensed barbarian, and the rapine of an inhuman crew, I remained for some time; and whether any disputes arose among them during the state of my annihilation, I cannot pretend to determine; but in one particular they seem to have been unanimous, and acted
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with equal dexterity and despatch; for, when I recovered the use of understanding, I found myself alone in a desolate place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch, buckles, and everything but my shoes, stockings, breeches, and shirt. What a discovery must this have been to me, who but an hour before was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not swallow me up, the poignard of the enemy, which could not find the way to my heart, the villany of those who had left me in that miserable condition; and, in the ecstasy of despair, resolved to lie still where I was, and perish.
Roderick Random & the Bumpkins
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
I get up, and crawl into a Barn, where I am in danger of perishing through the Fear of the Country People—Their Inhumanity—I am succoured by a reputed Witch—Her Story—Her Advice—She recommends me as a Valet to a single Lady, whose Character she explains.
BUT, as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered my situation in quite another light from that in which it appeared to me at first, and the result of my deliberation was to rise, if I could, and crawl to the next inhabited place for assistance. With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and having examined my body, found I had received no other injury than two large contused wounds, one on the fore, and another on the hinder part of my head, which seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon, namely, the butt-end of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains of the ship, so that I concluded she was gone to pieces, and that those
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who remained in her had perished. But, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity than Crampley, observing that it was flood when he left her, and that she would probably float at high water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after the commander should have deserted her; for which piece of service he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This scheme he accordingly executed, and was promised great things by the Admiralty for saving his Majesty’s ship; but I never heard he reaped the fruits of his expectation. As for my own part, I directed my course towards a small cottage I perceived, and, in the road, picked up a seaman’s old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself in my clothes had thrown away; this was a very comfortable acquisition to me, who was almost stiff with cold. I therefore put it on, and as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that, finding myself excessively exhausted, I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on my left hand, within a few yards of me. Thither I made shift to stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw nobody; however, I threw myself upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other. I had not lain here many minutes, when I saw a countryman come in with a pitchfork in his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and, in all probability, would have done my business, had I not uttered a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak. This melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and discovering a body all besmeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitchfork extended before him, his hair bristling up, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated,
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and his mouth wide open. At another time I should have been much diverted by this figure, which preserved the same attitude very near ten minutes; during which time I made many unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and assistance, but my tongue failed me, and my language was only a repetition of groans. At length an old man arrived, who, seeing the other in such a posture, cried, “Mercy upon en! the leaad’s bewitched;—why, Dick, beest thou besayd thyself?” Dick, without moving his eyes from the object that terrified him, replied, “O, vather! vather! here be either the devil or a dead mon! I doan’t know which o’ en, but a groans woundily.” The father, whose eyesight was none of the best, pulled out his spectacles, and having applied them to his nose, reconnoitred me over his son’s shoulder; but no sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a fit of shaking, even more violent than Dick’s, and, with a broken accent, addressed me thus: “In the name of the Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to be gone to the Red Zea; but an you be a murdered man, speak, that you may have a christom burial.” As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he repeated his conjuration to no purpose; and they continued a good while in the agonies of fear.
I was rolled to the Farmer’s door.
At length the father proposed that the son should draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of the apparition; but Dick was of opinion, that his father should advance first, as being an old man past his labour, and if he received any mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and be useful in his generation. This prudential reason had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick between me and him. In the meantime, I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but had only strength sufficient to produce a rustling among the straw, which discomposed
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the young peasant so much, that he sprung out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight. The old gentleman would not spend time in getting up, but crawled backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had got over the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the way. I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance and cowardice of these clowns, and felt my spirits decay apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives, and with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay, saying, “If it be the devil I fear en not, and for a dead mon, a can do us no harm.” When she saw my condition, she cried, “Here be no devil, but in youren fool’s head. Here be a poor miserable wretch, bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge of burying him; therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheel-barrow, and put en in, and carry en to good man Hodge’s back door; he is more able than we to lay out money upon poor vagrants.”
Her advice was taken, and immediately put in execution. I was rolled to the other farmer’s door, where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung, and would certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not disturbed the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation. But Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to be carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise as well as to preach charity; observing, that it was sufficient for him to pay his quota towards the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish. When I was set down at the vicar’s gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened to excommunicate him who sent, as well as those who brought me, unless they would move me immediately to another place. About this time, I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone, and, afterwards, understood that I was
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bandied from door to door through a whole village, nobody having humanity enough to administer the least relief to me, until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by this grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know the particulars of my last disaster. This piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had saved my life; therefore related all my adventures, without exaggeration or reserve. She seemed surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy presage of my future life from my past sufferings; then launched out into the praise of adversity with so much ardour and good sense, that I concluded she was a person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to hear her story. She perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling, told me, there was nothing either entertaining or extraordinary in the course of her fortune; but, however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of the confidence I had reposed in her. “It is of little consequence,” said she, “to tell the names of my parents, who are dead many years ago; let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, and had no other child than me; so that I was looked upon as heiress to a considerable estate, and teased with addresses on that account. Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no fortune, whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in which at that time he bore a lieutenant’s commission. I conceived an affection for this amiable officer, which, in a short time, increased to a violent passion, and, without entering into minute circumstances, married him privately. We had not enjoyed
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one another long, in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment to Flanders; but, before he set out, it was agreed between us, that he should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation. This discovery was made while I was abroad visiting; and just as I was about to return home, I received a letter from my father, importing, that since I had acted so undutifully and meanly as to marry a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his family, as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the miserable fate I had entailed on myself, and charged me never to set foot within his doors again. This rigid sentence was confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, gave me to understand, that her sentiments were exactly conformable to those of my father, and that I might save myself the trouble of making any applications, for her resolutions were unalterable. Thunderstruck with my evil fortune, I called a coach, and drove to my husband’s lodgings, where I found him waiting the event of his letter. Though he could easily divine, by my looks, the issue of his declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle I had received; and, with a smile full of tenderness, which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, ‘I believe the good lady, your mother, might have spared herself the trouble of the last part of her postscript. Well, my dear Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can procure the command of a regiment.’ This unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same time endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views in espousing me. I was next day boarded in company with the wife of another officer, who had long been the friend and confidant of my husband, at a village not far from London, where
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they parted with us in the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed in sight of one another, at the battle of the Wood. Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes with tears! When our grief subsided a little, and reflection came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in danger of perishing by want; whereupon, we made application for the pension, and were put upon the list. Then, vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, retired to this place, which is in the county of Sussex, bought this little house, where we lived many years in a solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, till it pleased Heaven to call away my companion two years ago; since which time I have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I promise myself the eternal reward of all my cares. In the meantime,” continued she, “I must inform you of the character I bear among the neighbours;—My conversation being different from that of the inhabitants of the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in curing distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here—and lastly, my age, have made the common people look upon me as something preternatural, and I am actually at this hour believed to be a witch. The parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not been at much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the confirmation of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice among the vulgar, who are also very much scandalised at my entertaining this poor tabby cat, with the collar about her neck, which was a favourite of my deceased companion.”
The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so primitive, innocent, sensible, and humane, that I
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contracted a filial respect for her, and begged her advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a condition to act for myself. She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of travelling to London, in hopes of retrieving my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship, which by this time, I read in the newspaper, was safely arrived in the river Thames: “Because,” said she, “you run the hazard of being treated not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer in assaulting your commanding officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will moreover be exposed.” She then promised to recommend me as a servant to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a young fox-hunter of great fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could bear the disposition and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat whimsical and particular. But, above all things, she counselled me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim among most people of condition, that no gentleman in distress ought to be admitted into a family as a domestic, lest he become proud, lazy, and insolent. I was fain to embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate; and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of her footman; having been represented by my hostess as a young man who was bred up to the sea by his relations against his will, and had suffered shipwreck, which had increased his disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather chose to go into service on shore, than enter himself on board of any other ship. Before I took possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress’s character, that I might know better how to regulate my conduct. “Your lady,” said she, “is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for her
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beauty, as her learning and taste, which is famous all over the country. Indeed she is a perfect female virtuoso; and so eager after the pursuit of knowledge, that she neglects her person even to a degree of sluttishness; this negligence, together with her contempt of the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great concern, as by these means he will probably keep her fortune, which is considerable, in the family. He therefore permits her to live in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her whimsical desires. Her apartment is at some distance from the other inhabited parts of the house, and consists of a dining-room, bed-chamber, and study. She keeps a cook-maid, waiting-woman, and footman of her own; and seldom eats or converses with any of the family but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and humours her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health, by sitting up with her whole nights together; for your mistress is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the customs of the world, and never sleeps or eats like other people. Among other odd notions, she professes the principles of Rosicrucius; and believes the earth, air, and sea are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste. As she hopes one day to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view, as she has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar, and was greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her expectation. Being, by this visionary turn of mind, abstracted as it were from the world, she cannot advert to the common occurrences of life; and therefore is frequently so absent, as to commit very strange mistakes and extravagances, which you
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will do well to rectify and repair as your prudence shall suggest.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
My Reception by that Lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa—Recount the Particulars of my last Misfortune—Acquire the good Opinion of my Mistress—An Account of the young Squire—I am made acquainted with more Particulars of Narcissa’s Situation—Conceive a mortal Hatred against Sir Timothy—Examine my Lady’s Library and Performances—Her extravagant Behaviour.
FRAUGHT with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the presence of my lady, who had not before seen me. She sat in her study, with one foot on the ground, and the other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung down in a disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her head, which was deprived of its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she held the stump of a pen in the other. Her forehead was high and wrinkled; her eyes were large, grey, and prominent; her nose was long, sharp, and aquiline; her mouth of vast capacity; her visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peaked like a shoemaker’s paring knife; her upper lip contained a large quantity of plain Spanish, which, by continual falling, had embroidered her neck, that was not naturally very white; and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose about her with a negligence truly poetic, discovering linen that was very fine, and to all appearance never washed but in Castalian streams. Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and other learned apparatus. Her snuff-box stood at her right
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hand; at her left hand lay her handkerchief, sufficiently used; and a convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her chair. She being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not think proper to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved, during which time she bit the quill several times, altered her position, made many wry faces, and at length, with an air of triumph, repeated aloud,
Nor dare th’ immortal gods my rage oppose.
Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards the door, and, perceiving us, cried, “What’s the matter?”—“Here’s the young man,” replied my conductress, “whom Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship.” On this information she stared in my face a considerable time, and then asked my name, which I thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown. After having surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into, “O! ay, thou wast shipwrecked, I remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a whale or a dolphin?” To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any assistance.—Then she demanded to know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I replied in the negative. Upon which she bade the maid order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my duty. So saying, she spit in her snuff-box, and wiped her nose with her cap, which lay on the table instead of a handkerchief. We returned to the kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who seemed to vie with each other in expressing their regard for me; and from them I understood that my business consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad. There was a very good suit of livery in the house, which had
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belonged to my predecessor, deceased, and it fitted me exactly; so that there was no occasion for employing a tailor on my account. I had not long been equipped in this manner, when my lady’s bell rung; upon which I ran upstairs, and found her stalking about the room in her shift and under petticoat only: I would have immediately retired as became me, but she bade me come in, and air a clean shift for her; which operation I having performed with some backwardness, she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant of my sex all that time, as being quite absorbed in contemplation. About four o’clock in the afternoon, I was ordered to lay the cloth, and place two covers, which I understood were for my mistress and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen.
Though I was not very dexterous at this work, I performed it pretty well for a beginner; and, when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress approach, accompanied by the young lady, whose name, for the present, shall be Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and carriage of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated at first sight, and, while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without intermission. Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature tall, her shape unexceptionable; her hair, that fell down upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue of cherries; her complexion clear, delicate, and healthy; her aspect noble, ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so ravishingly delightful, that it was impossible for any creature endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire without loving her to excess! I began to curse the servile station that placed me so far beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration! and yet I blessed my fate, that
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enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection! When she spoke, I listened with pleasure; but when she spoke to me, my soul was thrilled with an ecstasy of tumultuous joy! I was even so happy as to be the subject of their conversation. For Narcissa having observed me, said to her aunt, “I see your new footman is come.” Then addressing herself to me, asked with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been so cruelly used by robbers? When I satisfied her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing the other particulars of my fortune, both before and since my being shipwrecked. Hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I told her that I had been bound apprentice to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered at sea; that I and four more, who chanced to be on deck when she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, when my companions, after having overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my own defence. Then I related the circumstances of my being found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country people and parson; the description of which, I perceived, drew tears from the charming creature’s eyes! When I had finished my recital, my mistress said, “Ma foi! le garçon est bien fait!” To which opinion Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my understanding in the same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.
The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young squire, whom my lady inquired after under the title of the Savage; and was informed by her niece, that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night’s debauch, and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a fox-chase to-morrow morning, in company with Sir Timothy Thicket, Squire Bumper,
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and a great many other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion; so that, by daybreak, the whole house would be in an uproar. This was a very disagreeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would stuff her ears with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the brutes.
When their dinner was over, I and my fellow-servants sat down to ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by her brother, who promised at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy’s sister; by which means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband by this agreement. This information begat in me a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in my heart for his presumption. Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I arose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competitor, whose accomplishments, the estate excluded, did not seem brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind. My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed by her nephew’s company, that she did not rise till five o’clock in the afternoon; so that I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which examination I was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I found
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a thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, without constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition. But, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not the least mention made of love in any of her performances. I counted fragments of five tragedies, the titles of which were, “The Stern Philosopher”—“The Double Murder”—“The Sacrilegious Traitor”—“The Fall of Lucifer”—and “The Last Day.” From whence I gathered, that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects of horror. Her library was composed of the best English historians, poets, and philosophers; of all the French critics and poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, translations of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; a circumstance that discovered her ignorance in these languages. After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and, at the usual time, was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually believed herself a hare beset by the hunters; and begged a few greens to munch for breakfast. When I expressed my surprise at this unaccountable imagination, she gave me to understand, that her lady was very much subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying herself an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceited transformations it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she represented a beast; for that, lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her face in a terrible manner; that, some months ago, she prophesied the general conflagration
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was at hand, and nothing would be able to quench it but her water, which, therefore, she kept so long that her life was in danger; and she must needs have died of the retention, had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her chamber window, and persuading her that the house was in flames; upon which, with great deliberation, she bade them bring all the tubs and vessels they could find, to be filled, for the preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed, that nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her reason as music, which was always administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she, the maid, was just then going to intimate her aunt’s disorder. She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady’s chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hams on the floor, in the manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her pursuers. When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprung to the other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life. Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and, on the staircase, met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress. She said not a word, but, smiling with unspeakable grace, went into her aunt’s apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravished with the effects of her skill. She accompanied the instrument with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the surprising change it produced on the spirits of my mistress, which were soon composed to peace and sober reflection.
About seven o’clock the hunters arrived, with the skins of two foxes and one badger, carried before them
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as trophies of their success. And, when they were about to sit down to dinner, or supper, Sir Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour the table with her presence. But this request, notwithstanding her brother’s threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her aunt, who was indisposed; so I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified. But this disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the whole company became so enamoured, that, after a most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being altogether detached from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation every day more and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous thoughts.
CHAPTER FORTY
My Mistress is surprised at my Learning—Communicates her Performances to me—I impart some of mine to her—Am mortified at her faint Praise—Narcissa approves of my Conduct—I gain an involuntary Conquest over the Cook-maid and Dairy-maid—Their mutual Resentment and Insinuations—The Jealousy of their Lovers.
DURING this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the subject of my flame; but, as it concerned me nearly
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to remain undiscovered in my real character and sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove to insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well, by my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that, in a little time, I was at least a favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the pleasure of hearing myself mentioned in French and Italian, with some degree of warmth and surprise, by the dear object of all my wishes, as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my appearance and discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common lacquey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these bewitching compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso’s Jerusalem, which, it seems, had puzzled them both. After a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress, taking the book out of her pocket, turned up the place in question, and read the sentence over and over without success; at length, despairing of finding the author’s meaning, she turned to me, saying, “Come hither, Bruno, let us see what fortune will do for us; I will interpret to thee what goes before and what follows this obscure paragraph, the particular words of which I will also explain, that thou mayest, by comparing one with another, guess the sense of that which perplexes us.” I was too vain to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents, therefore, without hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had disconcerted them, to the utter astonishment of both. Narcissa’s face and lovely neck were overspread with blushes, from which I drew a favourable omen, while her aunt, after having stared at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, “In the name of Heaven! who art thou?”
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I told her I had picked up a smattering of Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation she shook her head, and observed, that no smatterer could read as I had done. She then desired to know if I understood French? To which question I answered in the affirmative. She asked, if I was acquainted with Latin and Greek? I replied, “A little.”—“Oho!” continued she, “and with philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?” I owned I knew something of each. Then she repeated her stare and interrogation. I began to repent my vanity, and, in order to repair the fault I had committed, said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in my country, that every peasant was a scholar; but I hoped her ladyship would think my understanding no exception to my character. She was pleased to answer, “No, no, God forbid.” But during the rest of the time they sat at table, they behaved with remarkable reserve.
This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the night without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, which prompts them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their own sober judgment. Next day, however, instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded still more to the dictates of the principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and, if fortune had not befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have been treated with the contempt it deserved. After breakfast, my lady, who was a true author, bade me follow her into the study, where she expressed herself thus: “Since you are so learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire your opinion of a small performance in poetry, which I lately composed. You must
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know I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be the murder of a prince before the altar, where he is busy at his devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harangue the people with the bloody dagger in his hand; and I have already composed a speech, which I think will suit the character extremely; here it is.” Then taking up a scrap of paper, she read with violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:
Thus have I sent the simple king to hell,
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell;
To me what are divine and human laws?
I court no sanction but my own applause!
Rapes, robb’ries, treasons, yield my soul delight;
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
And toss the sprawling infant on my spear,
While the fond mother’s cries regale mine ear,
I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes:
Nor dare th’ immortal gods my rage oppose.
Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of itself deserved immortal fame; and besought her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look of self-complacency, and, encouraged by the incense I had offered, communicated all her poetical works, which I applauded one by one, with as little candour as I had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which, I hope, my situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in my turn; and, therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste, observed, that, doubtless, I must have produced something in that way myself, which she desired to see. This was a temptation I could by no means resist. I owned,
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that, while I was at college, I wrote some small detached pieces, at the desire of a friend who was in love, and at her request repeated the following verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired:—
ON CELIA,
playing on the harpsichord and singing.
When Sappho struck the quiv’ring wire,
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And, when she rais’d the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm’d away.
But had the nymph possess’d with these,
Thy softer, chaster power to please:
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;
The worm of grief had never prey’d
On the forsaken love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn’d an hapless flame,
Nor dash’d on rocks her tender frame.
My mistress paid me a cold compliment on my versification, which, she said, was elegant enough, but the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation; but she declined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge of these matters; so that I was forced to retire, very much balked in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa had expressed her approbation of my performance with great warmth, and desired her to procure a copy of it, as for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and immediately transcribed a fair copy of my ode,
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which was carried to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as follows:—
Thy fatal shafts unerring move,
I bow before thine altar, Love!
I feel thy soft resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame!
For while I gaze, my bosom glows,
My blood in tides impetuous flows;
Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll,
And floods of transport whelm my soul!
My falt’ring tongue attempts in vain,
In soothing murmurs to complain;
My tongue some secret magic ties,
My murmurs sink in broken sighs!
Condemned to nurse eternal care,
And ever drop the silent tear,
Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unfriended live, unpity’d die!
Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me, was henceforth more reserved and less cheerful. While my thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the cook-wench and dairy-maid, who became so jealous of each other, that, if their sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel to be avenged of her rival; but, as their minds were happily adapted to their humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding and fisty-cuffs, in which exercises they were both well skilled. My good fortune did not long remain a secret; for it was disclosed by the frequent broils of these heroines, who kept no decorum in their encounters. The coachman and gardener, who paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective
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choice, alarmed at my success, laid their heads together, in order to concert a plan of revenge; and the former having been educated at the academy at Tottenham Court, undertook to challenge me to single combat. He accordingly, with many opprobrious invectives, bade me defiance, and offered to box me for twenty guineas. I told him, that, although I believed myself a match for him, even at that work, I would not descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a porter; but if he had anything to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or needle; nay, I swore, that, should he give his tongue any more saucy liberties at my expense, I would crop his ears without any ceremony. This rhodomontade, delivered with a stern countenance and resolute tone, had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some confusion, sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception. The story taking air among the servants, procured for me the title of Gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured, even by my mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair by the chambermaid. In the meantime, the rival queans expressed their passion by all the ways in their power: the cook entertained me with choice bits, the dairy-maid with stroakings; the first would often encourage me to discover myself by complimenting me upon my courage and learning, and observing, that if she had a husband like me, to maintain order, and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money by setting up an eating-house at London, for gentlemen’s servants on board wages. The other courted my affection, by showing her own importance, and telling me, that many a substantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her; but she was resolved to please her eye, if she should plague
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her heart. Then she would launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was sure I would make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. I began to be uneasy at the importunities of these inamoratas, whom, at another time, perhaps, I might have pleased without the disagreeable sauce of matrimony; but at present my whole soul was engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the thoughts of doing anything derogatory of the passion I entertained for her.
to all appearance never washed but in Castalian streams
[Otherwise known as the Castalian spring, where visitors to Delphi bathed before consulting the oracle; by extension, the fount of poetic inspiration. If there is a locus classicus for the italicized phrase, it has long since been lost in quotations from Cowper’s “To the Spanish Admiral Count Gravina, on his Translating the Author’s Song on a Rose into Italian Verse”, written several decades after Roderick Random:
My rose, Gravina, blooms anew;
And steeped not now in rain,
But in Castalian streams by you,
Will never fade again.
But I digress.]
whose name, for the present, shall be Narcissa
[Spoiler: It shall be Narcissa to the end of the book.]
in the manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her pursuers
[Now, that’s interesting. The Norwegian equivalent of “bunny rabbit” is harepus, whose component parts mean just what it looks like.]
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Narcissa being in Danger from the Brutality of Sir Timothy, is rescued by me, who revenge myself on my Rival—I declare my Passion, and retreat to the Sea-side—Am surrounded by Smugglers, and carried to Boulogne—Find my Uncle, Lieutenant Bowling, in great distress, and relieve him—Our Conversation.
AT certain intervals, my ambition would revive; I would despise myself for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve an hundred schemes for assuming the character of a gentleman, to which I thought myself entitled by birth and education. In these fruitless suggestions time stole away unperceived, and I had already remained eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident happened that put an end to my servitude, and for the present banished all hopes of succeeding in my love.
Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother, within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use some unbecoming familiarities with her, encouraged by
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the solitariness of a field through which they passed. The lovely creature was incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she reproached him in such a manner, that he lost all regard to decency, and actually offered violence to this pattern of innocence and beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much goodness to be violated; and sent me, who, passing by accident near the place, was alarmed with her cries, to her succour. What were the emotions of my soul when I beheld Narcissa, almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I flew like lightning to her rescue, and he perceiving me, quitted his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. My indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear: so that, rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my cudgel so successfully, that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all appearance, without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, and sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my bosom, while, with my hand around her waist, I kept her in that position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy at feeling the object of my dearest wishes within my arms; and while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from applying my cheek to hers, and ravishing a kiss. In a little time, the blood began to revisit her face; she opened her enchanting eyes, and having recollected her late situation, said, with a look full of tender acknowledgment, “Dear John, I am eternally obliged to you!” So saying, she made an effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times tempted by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of disobliging her restrained my tongue.
We had not moved a hundred paces from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy rise and
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walk, homeward; a circumstance, which, though it gave me some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby knew I had not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found myself in no condition to withstand; especially when I considered his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could justify himself for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, without any fear of offence. When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me, she would exert all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and likewise engage her aunt in my favour. At the same time, pulling out her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service I had done her. But I stood too much upon the punctilios of love, to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the present, by saying, I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I felt the same suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and broken accent, told her, I had one request to make, which if her generosity would grant, I should think myself fully recompensed for an age of misery. She changed colour at this preamble, and, with great confusion, replied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me from asking anything she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade me signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss her hand. She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out; I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and bathing it with my tears, cried, “Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gentleman, and love you to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths rather than make this declaration under such a servile appearance, were I not determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, to fly from your bewitching presence,
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and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal silence.” With these words I rose and went away, before she could recover her spirits so far as to make any reply.
My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had maintained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern, condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution to leave the country, as being perfectly well acquainted with the barbarous disposition of my rival, “who by this time,” said she, “has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed I cannot see how you will be able to elude his vengeance; being himself in the commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending you; and as almost all the people in this county are dependent on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter among them. If you should be apprehended, he will commit you to jail, where you may possibly languish in great misery till the next assizes, and then be transported for assaulting a magistrate.” While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the door, which threw us both into consternation, as, in all probability, it was occasioned by my pursuers: whereupon this generous old lady, putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, bade me for God’s sake to get out at the back door, and consult my safety as Providence should direct me. There was no time for deliberation. I followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of a dark night to the sea-side, where, while I ruminated on my next excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and feet, bade me make no noise, on pain of being shot, and carried me on board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to be a smuggling cutter. This discovery gave me some satisfaction at first, because I concluded
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myself safe from the resentment of Sir Timothy. But when I found myself in the hands of ruffians, who threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for a year’s imprisonment, or even transportation. It was in vain for me to protest my innocence. I could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk to their haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and I did not think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I was afraid they would have made their peace with justice, by surrendering me to the penalty of the law. What confirmed their suspicion was, the appearance of a custom-house yacht, which gave them chase, and had well-nigh made a prize of the vessel; when they were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually screened them, and favoured their arrival at Boulogne. But before they got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of war about me; and some of the most ferocious among them would have thrown me overboard, as a traitor who had betrayed them to their enemies; but others, more considerate, alleged, that, if they put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder. It was therefore determined by a plurality of votes, that I should be set on shore in France, and left to find my passage back to England as I should think proper, this being punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital. Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly at ease. To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in consequence of the foresaid decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings, into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a piece and some
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silver in my pocket, that, finding something, they might not be tempted to make any further inquiry. This was a very necessary precaution; for when we came within sight of the French shore, one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for my passage. To this declaration I replied, that my passage was none of my own seeking; therefore they could not expect a reward from me for transporting me into a strange country by force. “D—me!” said the outlaw, “none of your palaver; but let me see what money you have got.” So saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any ceremony, and emptied it of the contents. Then casting an eye at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off, and clapping his own on my head, declared, that a fair exchange was no robbery. I was fain to put up with the bargain, which was by no means favourable to me; and a little while after we went all on shore together.
I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes without much ceremony, when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their prejudice, if ever I returned to England, unless I had a mind to be murdered; for which service, he assured me, the gang never wanted agents. I promised to observe his advice, and departed for the Upper Town, where I inquired for a cabaret, or public-house, into which I went, with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a firkin of butter, and a cag of brandy, the bung of which they often applied to their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction. At some distance from them I perceived another person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. The appearance of distress never failed to attract
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my regard and compassion. I approached this forlorn tar with a view to offer him my assistance; and, notwithstanding the alteration of dress, and disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him my long lost and lamented uncle and benefactor. Lieutenant Bowling! Good Heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in such a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks: I stood motionless and silent for some time; at length, recovering the use of speech, exclaimed, “Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!” My uncle no sooner heard his name mentioned, than he started up, crying with some surprise, “Holloa!” and after having looked at me steadfastly, without being able to recollect me, said, “Did you call me, brother?” I told him I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired him to give me the hearing for a few minutes in another room; but he would by no means consent to this proposal, saying, “Avast there, friend; none of your tricks upon travellers; if you have anything to say to me, do it above board; you need not be afraid of being overheard; here are none who understand our lingo.”
Though I was loth to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain from telling him I was his own nephew, Roderick Random. On this information, he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and recalling my features, which, though enlarged, were not entirely altered since he had seen me, came up, and shook me by the hand very cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some pause, he went on thus: “And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to change them for the better, times being very hard with me.” With
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these words, I could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheeks, which affected me so much, that I wept bitterly. Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted me, with observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect to meet with all weathers; sometimes it was calm, sometimes rough; that a fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always sit one way, and that despair signified nothing; but that resolution and skill were better than a stout vessel; for why? because they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany him into another room, where we could converse more at our ease. There I recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion; at which relation he started up, stalked across the room three or four times in a great hurry, and, grasping his cudgel, cried, “I would I were alongside of him—that’s all—I would I were alongside of him!” I then gave him a detail of all my adventures and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have imagined; and concluded with telling him that Captain Oakum was still alive, and that he might return to England when he would to solicit his affairs, without danger or molestation.
He was wonderfully pleased with this piece of information, of which, however, he said he could not at present avail himself, for want of money to pay his passage to London. This objection I soon removed, by putting five guineas into his hand, and telling him, I thought myself extremely happy in having an opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his necessity. But it was with the utmost difficulty I could prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed were more than sufficient to defray the necessary expense. After this friendly contest
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was over, he proposed we should have a mess of something: “For,” said he, “it has been banyan-day for me a great while. You must know I was shipwrecked five days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking below; and having but little money when I came ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and share while it lasted. Howsomever, I should have remembered the old saying, Every hog his own apple: for when they found my hold unstowed, they went all hands to shooling and begging, and because I would not take a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least assistance; so that I have not broke bread these two days.” I was shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered some bread, cheese, and wine to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared. When he had recruited his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know the particulars of his peregrination, since the accident at Cape Tiberoon; which were briefly these: the money he had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board of one of their king’s ships as a common foremast man, to prevent himself from starving on shore. In this situation he continued two years, during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, and the reputation of a good seaman: the ship he belonged to was ordered home to France, where she was laid up, as unfit for service, and he was received on board of one of Monsieur D’Antin’s squadron, in quality of quarter-master; which office he performed in a voyage to the West Indies, where they engaged with our ship as before related; but his conscience upbraiding him for serving the enemies of his country, he quitted the ship at the same
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place where he first listed, and got to Curacoa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained with a skipper bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England; but was cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast, and must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road, or of entering on board of another French man-of-war, at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his succour. “And now, my lad,” continued he, “I think I shall steer my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, and of having the R taken off me by the Lords of the Admiralty, to whom I intend to write a petition, setting forth my case. If I succeed, I shall have wherewithal to give you some assistance, because, when I left the ship, I had two years’ pay due to me: therefore I desire to know whither you are bound; and besides, perhaps, I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing you surgeon’s mate of the ship to which I shall belong. For the beadle of the Admiralty is my good friend; and he and one of the under clerks are sworn brothers, and that under clerk has a good deal to say with one of the upper clerks, who is very well known to the under secretary, who upon his recommendation, I hope will recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again will speak to one of the lords in my behalf: so that you see I do not want friends to assist me on occasion—as for the fellow, Crampley, tho’f I know him not, I am sure he is neither seaman, nor officer, by what you have told me, or else he could never be so much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex, before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident happened, would he have
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left the ship until she had been stove to pieces, especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time, I do suppose he has been tried by a court-martial, and executed for his cowardice and misconduct.” I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle’s ladder, by which he proposed to climb to the attention of the Board of Admiralty; and though I knew the world too well, to confide in such dependence myself, I would not discourage him with doubts; but asked if he had no friend in London, who would advance a small sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small present to the under secretary, who might possibly despatch his business the sooner on that account. He scratched his head, and, after some recollection, replied, “Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord the ship-chandler in Wapping would not refuse me such a small matter. I know I can have what credit I want, for lodging, liquor, and clothes: but as to money I won’t be positive: had honest Block been living, I should not have been at a loss.” I was heartily sorry to find a worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such need of them; and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than his, because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of mankind, consequently less liable to disappointment and imposition.
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CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
He takes his Passage in a Cutter for Deal—We are accosted by a Priest, who proves to be a Scotchman—His Profession of Friendship—He is affronted by the Lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him by Submission—My Uncle embarks—I am introduced by the Priest to a Capuchin, in whose Company I set out for Paris—The Character of my Fellow-Traveller—An Adventure on the Road—I am shocked at his Behaviour.
WHEN our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his passage. In the meantime, we sauntered about the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject of my designs, which were not as yet fixed: neither can it be supposed that my mind was at ease, when I found myself reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me. My uncle was sensible of my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me: but, besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst country in the universe for an honest man to live in; and therefore determined to remain in France, at all events. I was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who passing by at this time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in the same language, telling us, he was our countryman, and wishing it might be in his power to do us any service. We thanked this grave person for his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a glass with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we went all together into a tavern of his
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recommending. After having drank to our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire into our situation, particularly the place of our nativity, which we no sooner named, than he started up, and wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, “I come from the same part of the country! perhaps you are my own relations.” I was on my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when I remembered the adventure of the money-dropper; but, without any appearance of diffidence, observed, that as he was born in that part of the country, he must certainly know our families, which, howsoever mean our present appearance might be, were none of the most obscure or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our names, to which I found he was no stranger: he had known my grandfather personally; and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the neighbourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought myself happy in his acquaintance. In the course of our conversation, I disclosed my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration, and assured me, that if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, I could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute all in his power.
My uncle began to be jealous of the priest’s insinuation, and very abruptly declared, that, if ever I should renounce my religion, he would break off all connexion and correspondence with me; for it was his opinion, that no honest man would swerve from the principles in which he was bred, whether Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The father, affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence began a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one’s eyes
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against the light: he said, that ignorance would be no plea towards justification, when we had opportunities of being better informed; and that, if the minds of people had not been open to conviction, the Christian religion could not have been propagated in the world; and we should now be in a state of Pagan darkness and barbarity. He endeavoured to prove, by some texts of Scripture, and many quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope was the successor of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the Church of Rome was the true holy Catholic Church; and that the Protestant faith was an impious heresy and damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting perdition. When he had finished this sermon, which I thought he pronounced with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and desired to know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and replied, “As for me, friend, d’ye see, I have no objection to what you say; it may be either true or false for what I know; I meddle with nobody’s affairs but my own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the saying is. I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as I would be done by; so that I defy the Pope, the Devil, and the Pretender; and hope to be saved as well as another.” This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who protested, in a mighty passion, that, if Mr. Bowling had not been his countryman, he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his insolence. I ventured to disapprove of my uncle’s rashness, and appeased the old gentleman, by assuring him, there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who, by this time, sensible of his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the
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freedom he had taken. Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he belonged, and took his leave for the present; when my uncle recommended it strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my forefathers, whatever advantages I might propose to myself by a change, which could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family. I assured him, no consideration should induce me to forfeit his friendship and good opinion on that score; at which assurance he discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we immediately bespoke, and, when it was ready, ate together.
I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest, if properly managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at his convent, according to his invitation, where he treated us with wine and sweetmeats, and showed us everything that was remarkable in the monastery. Having been thus entertained, we took our leave, though not before I had promised to see him next day; and the time fixed for my uncle’s embarking being come, I accompanied him to the harbour, and saw him on board. We parted not without tears, after we had embraced, and wished one another all manner of prosperity; and he entreated me to write to him often, directing to Lieutenant Bowling, at the sign of the Union Flag, near the Hermitage, London.
I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my fate, and endeavouring to project some likely scheme of life for the future; but my invention failed me; I saw nothing but insurmountable difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable prospect! That I might not, however,
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neglect any probable means, I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice and assistance I implored. He received me very kindly, and gave me to understand, that there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could not fail of making a great figure. I guessed his meaning, and told him once for all, I was fully determined against any alteration in point of religion, therefore, if his proposal regarded the Church, he might save himself the trouble of explaining it. He shook his head, and sighed, saying, “Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled, by your stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by reason, and consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal soul. I can, by my interest, procure your admission as a noviciate into this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a truly paternal affection.” Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades; where the heart is weaned from carnal attachments, the grosser appetites subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted to divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wings of studious contemplation. But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom two considerations enabled to withstand his temptations; namely, my promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life; for, as to the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too small moment to come in competition with a man’s fortune. Finding me immovable on this head, he told me he was more sorry than offended at my noncompliance, and still ready to employ his good offices in my behalf. “The same erroneous maxims,” said he, “that obstruct your promotion in the Church, will infallibly prevent your advancement in the army; but if you can brook the condition of a servant, I am
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acquainted with some people of rank at Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be entertained by some one of them in quality of maître d’hôtel; and I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a better provision.” I embraced his offer with great eagerness; and he appointed me to come back in the afternoon, when he would not only give me letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning, in whose company I might travel, without being at the expense of one livre during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent father, in the most grateful expressions; and he performed his promise to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me acquainted with the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of day.
It was not long before I discovered my fellow-traveller to be a merry facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and appearance of mortification, loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St. Geneviève. He was a thick brawny young man, with red eyebrows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and his name was Frère Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear linen, so that, having little occasion to undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest animals in the world; and his constitution was naturally so strongly scented, that I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of him in our march. As he was perfectly well known on the road, we fared sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated by the good-humour of my companion, who sung an infinite number of catches on the subjects of love and
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wine. We took up our lodging the first night at a peasant’s house not far from Abbeville, where we were entertained with an excellent ragoût, cooked by our landlord’s daughters, one of whom was very handsome. After having eaten heartily, and drank a sufficient quantity of small wine, we were conducted to a barn, where we found a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our reception. We had not lain in this situation above half an hour, when we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar got up, and let in our host’s two daughters, who wanted to have some private conversation with him in the dark; when they had whispered together for some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a pretty maid, who had a tendre for me? I must own, to my shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In vain did my reason suggest the respect that I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits; and the young paysanne had no reason to complain of my remembrance. Early in the morning, the kind creatures left us to our repose, which lasted till eight o’clock, when we got up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and l’eau de vie, by our paramours, of whom we took a tender leave, after my companion had confessed and given them absolution.
While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the night’s adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I liked my lodging: I declared my satisfaction, and talked in rapture of the agreeable Nanette; at which he shook his head, and smiling, said, she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche.
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“I never valued myself,” continued he, “upon anything so much as the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my amours.” This information shocked me not a little, as I was well convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not care to tax him with downright incest, I professed my astonishment at his last night’s choice, when, I supposed, the other was at his devotion. To this hint, he answered, that, besides his natural complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute his favours equally between them, namely, to preserve peace in the family, which could not otherwise be maintained; that, moreover, Nanette had conceived an affection for me, and he loved her too well to balk her inclination; more especially when he had an opportunity of obliging his friend at the same time. I thanked him for this instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his way. Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so wide of the character he assumed: I looked upon him as a person of very little worth or honesty, and should have even kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have any temptation to steal. But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and enjoys all other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow-traveller seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine to give me any apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded with great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my journey’s end.
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CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the Capuchin, who escapes while I am asleep—I go to Noyons in search of him, but without success—Make my Condition known to several People, but find no Relief—Grow desperate—Join a Company of Soldiers—Enlist in the Regiment of Picardy—We are ordered into Germany—I find the Fatigues of the March almost intolerable—Quarrel with my Comrade in a Dispute about Politics—He challenges me to the Field, wounds and disarms me.
THE third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near Amiens, where Balthazar being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare, and sour wine, and were fain to lie in a garret, upon an old mattress, which, I believe, had been in the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas, time out of mind. We did not invade their territory with impunity: in less than a minute we were attacked by stings innumerable; in spite of which, however, we fell fast asleep, being excessively fatigued with our day’s march, and did not wake till nine next morning, when seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible fright, and examining my pockets, found my presaging fear too true! My companion had made free with my cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I ran downstairs immediately; and with a look full of grief and amazement, inquired for the mendicant, who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours before, after having told them, I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be disturbed, but be informed when I should awake that he had taken the road to Noyon[s], where he would wait for my coming at the Coq d’Or. I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart directed my course to that place, at which I
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arrived in the afternoon, fainting with weariness and hunger; but learned, to my utter confusion, that no such person had been there! It was happy for me that I had a good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on such occasions against the villany of mankind, and enabled me to bear misfortunes otherwise intolerable. Boiling with indignation, I discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and inveighed with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which he shrugged up his shoulders, and, with a peculiar grimace in his countenance, said, he was sorry for my misfortune; but there was no remedy like patience. At that instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me mortified at his indifference, and fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same sordid animal all the world over. While I stood in the porch, forlorn and undetermined, venting ejaculations of curses against the thief who robbed me, and the old priest who recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman richly dressed, attended by a valet de chambre and two servants in livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness and good-nature in his countenance; therefore he had no sooner alighted than I accosted him, and, in a few words, explained my situation: he listened with great politeness, and, when I had made an end of my story, said, “Well, Monsieur, what would you have me to do?” I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, which I believe no man of common sense or generosity could make, and made no other reply than a low bow: he returned the compliment still lower, and tript into an apartment, while the landlord let me know, that my standing there to interrupt company gave offence, and might do him infinite prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat his insinuation; I moved from the place immediately; and
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was so much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils. In this ecstasy I quitted Noyon[s], and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like one distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs. Here my rage forsook me; I began to feel the importunate cravings of nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow, and melancholy reflection. I revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of, and found them so few and venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that Providence, which, after having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger, left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last offices of humanity to my miserable carcase. A thousand times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat to woods and deserts, far from the hospitable haunts of man, where I could live by my own talents, independent of treacherous friends, and supercilious scorn.
As I lay in this manner groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the sound of a violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men and women dancing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked upon this to be a favourable season for distress to attract compassion, when every selfish thought is banished, and the heart dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up and approached this happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of soldiers, with their wives and children, unbending and diverting themselves at this rate, after the fatigue of a march. I had never before seen such a parcel of scare-crows together, neither could I reconcile their meagre gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and every other external symptom of extreme woe, with this appearance of
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festivity. I saluted them, however, and was received with great politeness; after which they formed a ring, and danced around me. This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits! I was infected with their gaiety, and, in spite of my dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined in their extravagance. When we had recreated ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread their manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine. Being invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and in the whole course of my life never made a more comfortable meal. When our repast was ended, we got up again to dance; and now that I found myself refreshed, I behaved to the admiration of everybody. I was loaded with a thousand compliments, and professions of friendship; the men commended my person and agility, and the women were loud in praise of my bonne grace; the serjeant in particular expressed so much regard for me, and described the pleasures of a soldier’s life with so much art, that I began to listen to his proposal of enlisting me in the service; and the more I considered my own condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity I was under to come to a speedy determination. Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circumstances pro and con, I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in Europe. The company to which this command belonged was quartered at a village not far off, whither we marched next day, and I was presented to my captain, who seemed very well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and accoutrements. Then I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete soldier.
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It was not long before we received orders to join several more regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, in order to reinforce Mareschal Duc de Noailles, who was then encamped with his army on the side of the river Mayne, to watch the motions of the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command of the Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I became acquainted with that part of a soldier’s life to which I had been hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe the hunger and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue I underwent, in a march of so many hundred miles; during which I was so much chafed with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time the inside of my thighs and legs was deprived of skin, and I proceeded in the utmost torture. This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitution, which I cursed, and envied the withered condition of my comrades, whose bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed proof against all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and my peevishness was increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing those miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity, under which I was ready to sink.
One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had gone out to dance, according to custom, my comrade stayed at home with me on pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his pity and consolation! He told me, though I was young and tender at present, I would soon be seasoned to the service; and he did not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some measure to the glory of the King. “Have courage, therefore, my child,” said he, “and pray to the good God,
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that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the honour of serving Lewis the Great, and of receiving many wounds in helping to establish his glory.” When I looked upon the contemptible object that pronounced these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed him; and could not help expressing my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational being, who thinks himself highly honoured in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death, merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings were disregarded, and his name utterly unknown. I observed that, if his situation was the consequence of compulsion, I would praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot; if he had taken up arms in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for his patriotism; or, if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience, though I could have no notion of misery more extreme than that he suffered; but to put his condition on the footing of conducing to the glory of his prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, and committed the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous pride of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from the submission of such wretches as him. The soldier was very much affronted at the liberty I took with his King, which he said nothing but my ignorance could excuse. He affirmed, that the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to be profaned by the censure of their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or repining; and advised me to correct the rebellious principles I had imbibed
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among the English, who, for their insolence to their Kings, were notorious all over the world, even to a proverb.
In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all the arguments commonly used to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that allegiance and protection are reciprocal; that, when the mutual tie is broken by the tyranny of the King, he is accountable to the people for his breach of contract, and subject to the penalty of the law; and that those insurrections of the English, which are branded with the name of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, were no other than glorious efforts to rescue that independence which was their birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached me in such a manner that my temper forsook me, and I clenched my fist, with an intention to give him a hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my design, he started back, and demanded a parley; upon which I checked my indignation, and he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow; therefore, if I was not weary of my life, I would do well to spare him that mortification, and do him the honour of measuring my sword with his, like a gentleman. I took his advice, and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor, little, shivering creature, decrepit with age, and blind of one eye. But I soon found the folly of judging from appearances, being at the second pass wounded in the sword hand, and immediately disarmed with a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I was no less confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have been expected; for he
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insisted upon my asking pardon for affronting his king and him. This proposal I would by no means comply with, but told him it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his circumstances ought to propose, or any in my situation ought to perform; and that, if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, when we should be more upon a par than with the sword, of which he seemed so much master.
In this ecstasy I quitted Noyon[s]
[Was the editor working from a bad text? The two-volume 1748 edition has the expected “Noyons” consistently.]
the English, who, for their insolence to their Kings, were notorious all over the world
[We are in the middle of that century-and-a-half span when the French could sneer at the English for having chopped off their king’s head. A few decades later, they would of course have to shut up about it.]
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence—We join the Mareschal Duc de Noailles—Are engaged with the Allies at Dettingen, and put to Flight—The Behaviour of the French Soldiers on that Occasion—I industriously seek another Combat with the old Gascon, and vanquish him in my turn—Our Regiment is put into Winter Quarters at Rheims, where I find my Friend Strap—Our Recognition—He supplies me with Money, and procures my Discharge—We take a Trip to Paris; from whence, by the Way of Flanders, we set out for London, where we safely arrive.
HE was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory, with many exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, went to my quarters, and examined my wound, which I found was of no consequence. The same day, an Irish drummer, having heard of my misfortune, visited me, and, after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to understand, that he was master of the sword, and would, in a very short time, instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I should be able to chastise the old Gascon for his insolent
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boasting at my expense. This friendly office he proffered, on pretence of the regard he had for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned, the true motive was no other than a jealousy he entertained of a correspondence between the Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person. Be this as it will, I accepted his offer, and practised his lessons with such application, that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror. In the meantime, we continued our march, and arrived at the camp of Mareschal Noailles, the night before the battle of Dettingen. Notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under the command of the Duc de Gramont, to take possession of a narrow defile, through which the Allies must of necessity have passed at a great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want of provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. How they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner, it is not my province to relate; I shall only observe, that, when we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old officer, in conversation with another, express a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who had the reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman was overruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost danger; but Providence or Destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc de Gramont to quit his advantageous post, pass the defile and attack the English, who were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so roughly, that, after having lost a great number of our men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and fled with such
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precipitation, that many hundreds perished in the river, through pure fear and confusion; for the enemy was so generous, that they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and if our consternation would have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and deliberation. But, notwithstanding the royal clemency of the King of Great Britain, who headed the Allies in person, and, no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to 5000 men, among whom were many officers of distinction. Our miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick and wounded in the care of the French, who next day took possession of the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with humanity. This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rodomontades they uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage. Every man, by his own account, performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him with their darts. Another likened himself to a bear who retreats with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail him; and the third assumed the character of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay. There was not a private soldier engaged, who had not, by the prowess of his single arm, demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse to flight; and, among others, the meagre Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules or Charlemagne. As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in my last rencontre with him, and, now that I thought myself qualified, longed for an opportunity to retrieve my
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honour, I magnified the valour of the English with all the hyperboles I could imagine, and decried the pusillanimity of the French in the same style, comparing them to hares flying before greyhounds, or mice pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities, I said was surprising. He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening disdain bade me know myself better, and remember the correction I had lately received from him for my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing a wretch who abused his goodness. To this innuendo I made no reply, but a kick in the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He started up with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked me with great fury. Several people interposed; but when he informed them of its being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle. Having thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which demand he made no answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands, elevated the skin on his forehead and eyebrows, and depressed the corners of his mouth in such a manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I might, however, mortify his vanity, which triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was not a tansy) that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.
There was nothing more of moment attempted by
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either of the armies during the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, the English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into winter quarters in Champagne. It was the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of everything; my pay, which amounted to five sols a day, far from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient to procure a wretched subsistence, to keep soul and body together; so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago converted into spatterdashes; and after all, I was better provided than any private man in the regiment. In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quarter were not at all sanguine, for the reasons I have already explained; and, in the meantime, had recourse to my old remedy, patience, consoling myself with the flattering suggestions of a lively imagination, that never abandoned me in distress.
One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general officer, a certain nobleman came to the door followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him saying, “You may depend upon my good offices.” This assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the individual countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of utterance, and before I could recollect myself, he was gone without taking any notice of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured to accost him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with
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the features of his face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his person, which was very much altered for the better since he left me at London; neither could I perceive by what means he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire. But I was too much concerned in the affair to neglect further information, and therefore took the first opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the marquis spoke. The Swiss told me, his name was Monsieur d’Estrapes; that he had been valet de chambre to an English gentleman lately deceased; and that he was very much regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted. Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, which banished all doubt of it being my friend, who had found means to frenchify his name as well as his behaviour since we parted. As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging, according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed my name and business, and only desired the servant of the house to tell Monsieur d’Estrapes, that I begged the honour of half an hour’s conversation with him. He was confounded and dismayed at the message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier. Though he was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, and it was not before I had waited a considerable time, that he had resolution enough to bid the servant show me upstairs.
When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, and endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, which appeared in the
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paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, and the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, which redoubled, when I told him in French, I had business for his private ear, and demanded a particular audience. The valet being withdrawn, I asked in the same language, if his name was d’Estrapes? to which he answered, with a faltering tongue, “The same, at your service.” “Are you a Frenchman?” said I. “I have not the honour of being a Frenchman born,” replied he, “but I have an infinite veneration for the country.” I then desired he would do me the honour to look at me; which he no sooner did, than, struck with my appearance, he started back, and cried in English, “O Jesus! sure it can’t! No, ’tis impossible!” I smiled at his interjections, saying, “I suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your friend in adversity.” When he heard me pronounce these words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great schoolboy who had been whipt.—Then observing my dress, he set up his throat crying, “O Lord! O Lord! that ever I should live to see my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?—But I know the reason—you thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaintance.—Ah! Lord help us! though I was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind. And though I did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I forgive you, and may God forgive you;—O Lord! O Lord! is it come to this?” I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I could
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not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some tartness, that, whether his suspicions were well or ill grounded, he might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of introducing them; and that the question now was, whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any assistance. “Disposed!” replied he with great emotion, “I thought you had known me so well, as to assure yourself, without asking, that I and all that belongs to me are at your command. In the meantime, you shall dine with me, and I will tell you something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you.” Then wringing my hand, he said, “It makes my heart bleed to see you in that garb!” I thanked him for his invitation, which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a comfortable meal these seven months. But I had another request to make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt; for although my back had been many weeks a stranger to any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarised to the want of it. He stared in my face, with a woeful countenance, at this declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained it, by unbuttoning my coat, and disclosing my naked body; a circumstance that shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, ran to a chest of drawers, and, taking out some linen, presented to me a very fine ruffled Holland shirt, and cambric neckcloth, assuring me, he had three dozen of the same kind at my service. I was ravished at this piece of good news, and having accommodated myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, saying, I was overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which seldom fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and bouillé, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, and in the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy;
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after which repast, he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London. This request I complied with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and relating every particular event in which I had been concerned from that day to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly affected, according to the various situations described. He started with surprise, glowed with indignation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions; and, when my story was ended, signified his amazement on the whole, by lifting up his eyes and hands, and protesting, that though I was a young man, I had suffered more than all the blessed martyrs.
After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who in that time having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable exercises, to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed such excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a consumption; that, by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpellier for the benefit of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to Rheims, seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a month, when he was seized with a looseness, that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him, and especially of Strap, who had been very happy in his service, and given such satisfaction, that his master, on his death-bed, recommended him to several persons of distinction, for his
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diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left him by will his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all the movables he had in France, to the value of three hundred pounds, “which I now,” said he, “in the sight of God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal. Here are my keys, take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the possession.”
My brain was almost turned by the sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce believe real; however I positively refused this extravagant offer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at which hint he started, crying “Odso! that’s true—we must procure your discharge. I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do me that favour.” We consulted about this affair, and it was determined, that Monsieur d’Estrapes should wait upon the marquis in the morning, and tell him he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that nobleman’s interest for his discharge. In the meantime we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The business was to make ourselves easy for life, by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable; so that after much canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, but when we parted, recommended the matter to the serious attention of each other. As for my own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas, enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in England,
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must labour under want of friends, and powerful opposition, obstacles insurmountable by the most shining merit. Neither should I succeed in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked and contemptible administration. Before I could form any feasible project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blessed with the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils.
Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found exulting over his happy invention; for I no sooner entered his apartment, than he addressed himself to me in these words, with a smile of self-applause: “Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool’s head sometimes. I have hit it; I’ll hold you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning. But you shall have the preference in this, as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation, and then I will impart my own simple excogitations.” I told him, that not one thought had occurred to me that deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted with the fruits of his reflection. “As we have not,” said he, “money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion that a bold push must be made; and I see none so likely to succeed, as your appearing in the character of a gentleman, (which is your due,) and making your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can render you independent at once. Nay, don’t stare; I affirm that this scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath would stink you into a consumption in less than three months. Neither would I advise you to assume the character of a wealthy
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squire, as your common fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into matrimony, and, instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband’s rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and despair. No, I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition, and are master of qualifications both of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set you above the world. I have clothes in my possession that a duke need not be ashamed to wear. I believe they will fit you as they are; if not, there are plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue.” Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure, because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.
After breakfast. Monsieur d’Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here I had time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which, to bear with moderation, required some degree of philosophy and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious, if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and contempt. My wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats, full mounted, two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another with
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silver lace; two frocks, one of white drab with large plate buttons, the other of blue, with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocade; one of blue satin, embroidered with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold lace; one of black silk, with fringes; one of white satin, one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth breeches, one pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of fine cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d’Espagne, another with silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other movables which I possessed, by the generosity and friendship of Strap, were a gold watch, with a chased case; two valuable diamond rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth, cut steel, inlaid with gold; a diamond stock-buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver mounted pistols, with rich housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in the top. The gentleman left many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash before I met with him; so that, over and above these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted to something more than two hundred pounds.
Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by my honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared at Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, opera, and play-house,
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danced at a masquerade—and, in short, saw everything remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out for England by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen hours, we arrived at Deal, hired a post-chaise, and, in twelve hours more, got safe to London, having disposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon.
The battle of Dettingen was in June 1743. Britain and France were, as usual, on opposing sides.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to Sea—Take Lodgings at Charing Cross—Go to the Play, where I meet with an Adventure—Dine at an Ordinary; the Guests described—Become acquainted with Medlar, and Doctor Wagtail.
AS soon as we alighted at the inn, I despatched Strap to inquire for my uncle, at the Union Flag, in Wapping; and he returned in a little time with an account of Mr. Bowling’s having gone to sea, mate of a merchant ship, after a long and unsuccessful application and attendance at the Admiralty; where, it seems, the interest he depended upon was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder.
Next day I hired very handsome lodgings, not far from Charing Cross, and, in the evening, dressed myself in a plain suit of true Paris cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed with an uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of the company might be at my first appearance, they
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were soon changed, by my absurd behaviour, into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might have an opportunity of showing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with a perfumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, and adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which I found two considerable obstructions in my disposition, namely, a natural reserve, and jealous sensibility. Fain would I have entered into conversation with the people around me, but I was restrained by the fear of being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a compliment of this kind from them, than they to such condescension from a stranger like me. How often did I redden at the frequent whispers and loud laughter of my fellow-beaux, which I imagined were excited by me! and how often did I envy the happy indifference of those choice spirits, who beheld the distress of the scene, without discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern! My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help weeping with the heroine of the stage; though I practised a great many shifts to conceal this piece of unpolite weakness. When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing some lady to her coach; but every one was attended by such a number of officious gallants, that for a long time I was balked in my expectation. At length, however, I perceived a very handsome creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance from me; upon which I went up to her, and
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offered my service. She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble; looking at her watch, and testifying her surprise at the negligence of her footman, whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was master of; and, in the event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made to send my servant for a chair or coach: accordingly, Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned without success. By this time the play-house was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire. As I led her through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion, standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink, and when we were past, I heard them set up a loud laugh. This note aroused my attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady’s character, before I should have any nearer connexion with her. As no convenience appeared, I proposed to conduct her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes, till my servant could fetch a coach from the Strand.
She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern with a stranger; but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances, rather than endanger her health, by remaining in a cold damp thoroughfare. Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors; and it was with much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly. In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; at which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing look, that seemed however too near akin to the lewd leer of a courtezan. This discovery,
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added to my former suspicion, while it put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain her with gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation, I pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day at her lodgings; a request which she, with many apologies, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. This information, by which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not check my addresses, which became more and more importunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss. But, Heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial flavour that her delicacy of complexion promised, I was almost suffocated with the steams of Geneva!
An exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not only changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it would have been impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance five minutes longer, when my servant returned with the coach. I took the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve, that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with joy as he followed us to the door; but I was proof against all her endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to take my leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house, whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the pleasure of my conversation for half an hour without interruption. I told her, there was no mortification I would not undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her ladyship; and bidding the coachman drive on, wished her
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a good night. She lost all temper at my indifference, and stopping the coach at the distance of about twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and bawled with the lungs of a fish-woman, “D—n you, you dog, won’t you pay for the coach-hire?” As I made no answer, she held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me a pitiful fellow, scoundrel, and an hundred such appellations; concluding with an oath, that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no money in my pocket.
Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered the coachman to proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure. I dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence that my own servant was present, and when we were alone, said to Strap, “Well, Monsieur d’Estrapes, what do you think of this lady?” My friend, who had not opened his mouth since her departure, could make no other reply than the monosyllable, “Think!” which he pronounced with a note of fear and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and perceiving a wildness in his looks asked if he had seen his grandfather’s ghost! “Ghost!” said he, “I am sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that so much devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under such sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti nulla fides—nimium ne crede colori—but we ought to down on our knees, and bless God for delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre.” I was pretty much of Strap’s opinion, and though I did not believe myself in any danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and constitution.
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My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance; for which purpose I frequented a certain coffeehouse, noted for the resort of good company, English as well as foreigners, where my appearance produced all the civilities and advances I could desire. As there was an ordinary in the same house, I went upstairs to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at a table with thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than myself. The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on politics; and I soon found the whole company was in the French interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who120 contradicted everything that was advanced in favour of his Most Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English. But this trusty patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and drew all his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal to his antagonists, who were superior to him in learning and experience, and often took the liberty of travellers, in asserting things which were not strictly true, because they thought themselves in no danger of being detected by him. The claim of the Queen of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy was fully explained and vindicated by a person who sat opposite to me, and, by the solemnity of his manner, and the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced another on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock trimmed with gold, who justified the French King for his breach of that contract, and affirmed that he could not have observed it, without injuring his own glory. Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman’s arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity, which I imagined must be the effect of his
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illustrious birth and noble education, and accordingly rated him in my conjecture as a young prince on his travels. The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to the honour of the French, and disadvantage of the Allies, that I began to entertain some doubts of my having been there in person, and took the liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced. This freedom introduced a dispute, which lasted a good while, to the mortification of all present; and was at last referred to the determination of a grave person, whom they styled Doctor, and who, under a show of great moderation, decided it against me, with so little regard to truth, that I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no small entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced at my defence of a cause he had so often espoused without success.
My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great deal of candour, and told me, he should not have been so positive if he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each particular. “Indeed,” said he, “I am convinced that, the previous steps considered, things could not happen otherwise; for we generals who have seen service, though we may not be on the spot ourselves, know, by the least sketch of the disposition, what must be the event.” He then censured, with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of those who commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the ministry, which he honoured with many invectives for employing people who had neither experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers who had been distinguished for both, dropped many hints of his own importance, and concluded with
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observing, that the French and Spaniards knew better how to value generals of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the conquests they gain, and the admirable discipline of their troops, which are, at the same time, better clothed and paid than any soldiers in the universe.
These remarks furnished the green knight with an opportunity of launching out in the praise of the French government in general, civil as well as military; on which occasion, he made many odious comparisons to the disadvantage of the English. Everybody, almost, assented to the observations he made; and the doctor gave his sanction, by saying, the people in France were undoubtedly the happiest subjects in the world. I was so much astonished and confounded at their infatuation and effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in opposition to their assertions; but my morose associate could not put up with the indignity that was offered to Old England, and therefore, with a satirical grin, addressed himself to the general in these words: “Sir, sir, I have often heard it said, ‘She’s a villanous bird that befouls her own nest.’ As for what those people who are foreigners say, I don’t mind it, they know no better; but you, who were bred and born, and have got your bread under the English government, should have more regard to gratitude, as well as truth, in censuring your native country. If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have their own reason for so doing; and you ought to remember, that you still live on the bounty of this nation. As for these gentlemen, (meaning the prince and ambassador,) who make so free with our constitution, laws, and genius of our people, I think they might show a little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to blame in harbouring, protecting, and encouraging such ungrateful vagrants as they are.”
At these words, the chevalier in green started up in
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a great passion, and, laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, “Ha, foutre!” The Englishman, on the other hand, grasping his cane, cried, “Don’t foutre me, sirrah, or, by G—d, I’ll knock you down.” The company interposed, the Frenchman sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded: “Lookee, Monsieur, you know very well that, had you dared to speak so freely of the administration of your own country in Paris as you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to the Bastille without ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun again. Now, sir, take my word for it, although our constitution screens us from such oppression, we want not laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse; and if I hear another syllable out of your mouth in contempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I advance, and have you laid by the heels for your presumption.” This declaration had an effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young prince became supple as a spaniel; the ambassador trembled; the general sat silent and abashed; and the doctor, who, it seems, had felt the rod of power, grew pale as death, and assured us all that he had no intention to affront any person or people. “Your principles, doctor,” resumed the old gentleman, “are no secret—I have nothing to say to you upon that head; but am very much surprised that a man who despises us so much, should, notwithstanding, live among us, when he has no visible motive for so doing. Why don’t you take up your habitation in your beloved France, where you may rail at England without censure?”
To this remonstrance the doctor thought proper to make no reply; and an unsocial silence ensued; which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle disputes, maintained very often through whim or
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diversion, should create any misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense; and proposed to drink down all animosity in another bottle. This motion was applauded by the whole company; the wine was brought, and the English champion, declaring he had no spleen against any man for differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference of complexion, drank to the good health of all present; the compliment was returned, and the conversation once more became unreserved, though more general than before. Among other topics, the subject of war was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of illustration. In the course of his harangue, he happened to mention the word épaulement, upon which the testy gentleman asked the meaning of that term. “I’ll tell you what an épaulement is,” replied he; “I never saw an épaulement but once, and that was at the siege of Namur; in a council of war, Monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed that the place could not be taken. ‘Yes,’ said the Prince of Vaudemont, ‘it may be taken by an épaulement.’ This was immediately put in execution, and, in twenty-four hours, Mareschal Boulfiers was fain to capitulate.”
Here he made a full stop; and the old gentleman repeated the question, “But pray what is an épaulement?” To this interrogation the officer made no reply, but rung the bell, and called for a bill, which being brought, he threw down his proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the company he would show them an épaulement when his Majesty should think fit to entrust him with the command of our army abroad, strutted away with great dignity. I could not imagine why he was so shy of explaining one of the most simple terms of fortification, which I forthwith described as a side-work, composed of earth, gabions,
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or fascines; but I was very much surprised when I afterwards understood that his reserve proceeded from his ignorance. Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my fellow-labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to understand at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion, both with respect to my principles and understanding.
I thanked him for his compliment, and, professing myself an utter stranger in this part of the world, begged he would have the goodness to inform me of the quality and characters of the people who dined above. This request was a real favour to one of his disposition, which was no less communicative than curious; he therefore complied with great satisfaction, and told me, to my extreme astonishment, that the supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the theatres, and the ambassador no other than a fiddler belonging to the opera. “The doctor,” said he, “is a Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes appears in the character of an officer, and assumes the name of Captain; but more generally takes the garb, title, and behaviour of a physician, in which capacity he wheedles himself into the confidence of weak-minded people, and, by arguments no less specious than false, converts them from their religion and allegiance. He has been in the hands of justice more than once for such practices; but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with so much craft, that, hitherto, he has escaped for a short imprisonment. As for the general, you may see he has owed his promotion more to his interest than his capacity; and, now that the eyes of the ministry are opened, his friends dead, or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the list, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension. In consequence of this reduction, he is become malcontent, and inveighs against the government, in all companies, with so little discretion, that I
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am surprised at the lenity of the administration in overlooking his insolence; but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety to his weakness and want of importance. He has seen a little, and but a little, service; and yet, if you would take his word for it, there has not been a great action performed in the field since the Revolution, in which he was not principally concerned. When a story is told of any great general, he immediately matches it with one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his invention, and commits such gross blunders in the detail, that everybody is in pain for him. Cæsar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great are continually in his mouth; and as he reads a good deal without any judgment to digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harangues as unintelligible as infinite; for, once he begins, there is no chance of his leaving off speaking, while one person remains to yield attention; therefore the only expedient I know for putting a stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered, and demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of some difficult term that he knows by name only. This method will effectually put him to silence, if not to flight, as it happened when I inquired about an épaulement. Had he been acquainted with the signification of that word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must have quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence.” Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began to discover his own, in questions relating to myself, to which I thought proper to return ambiguous answers. “I presume, sir,” said he, “you have travelled.” I answered, “Yes.” “I dare say you would find it very expensive,” said he. I replied, “To be sure, one cannot travel without money.” “That I know by experience,” said he, “for I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay
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sauce for what he has on the road, as well in other countries as in this—That’s a very pretty stone in your ring,—give me leave, sir,—the French have attained a wonderful skill in making compositions of this kind. Why, now, this looks almost as well as a diamond.” “Almost as well, sir,” said I, “why not altogether? I am sure, if you understand anything of jewels, you must perceive at first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very fine water. Take it in your hand and examine it.” He did so, with some confusion, and returned it saying, “I ask your pardon, I see it is a true brilliant of immense value.” I imagined his respect for me increased after this inquiry; therefore, to captivate his esteem the more, I told him, I would show him a seal of composition, engraved after a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch, with a rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal ring. He viewed each of them with great eagerness, handled the chain, admired the chased case, and observed, that the whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and replied in a careless manner, “Some trifle of sixty or seventy guineas.” He stared in my face for some time, and then asked if I was an Englishman? I answered in the negative. “You are from Ireland then, sir, I presume,” said he. I made the same reply. “O! perhaps,” said he, “you was born in one of our settlements abroad.” I still answered, “No.” He seemed very much surprised, and said, he was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon the tenterhooks of impatient uncertainty. He could not contain his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties he had taken, and, to encourage me the more to disclose my situation, displayed his own without reserve: “I am,” said he, “a single man, have a considerable
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annuity, on which I live according to my own inclination, and make the ends of the year meet very comfortably. As I have no estate to leave behind me, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness of relations or legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made for me, not me for the world: it is my maxim therefore to enjoy it while I can, and let futurity shift for itself.” While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same time, no doubt, expected a retaliation from me, a young man entered dressed in black velvet, and an enormous tie wig, with an air in which natural levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together, that, on the whole, he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we sat, and, after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend, by the name of Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged upon business. My companion put on a surly countenance, and replied, “No great business, Doctor—but however”—“Oh! then,” cried the physician, “I must beg your indulgence a little,—pray pardon me, gentlemen.—Sir,” said he, addressing himself to me, “your most humble servant, I hope you will forgive me, sir—I must beg the favour to sit, sir—Sir, I have something of consequence to impart to my friend, Mr. Medlar—Sir, I hope you will excuse my freedom in whispering, sir.” Before I had time to give this complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, “I’ll have no whispering; if you have anything to say to me, speak with an audible voice.” The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this exclamation, and, turning again to me, made a thousand apologies for pretending to make mystery of anything, a piece of caution which he said was owing to his ignorance of my connexion with Mr. Medlar; but, now he understood I was a friend, he would communicate what he had to say in
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my hearing. He then began, after two or three hems, in this manner: “You must know, sir, I am just come from dinner at my Lady Flareit’s (then addressing himself to me), a lady of quality, sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining sometimes. There was Lady Stately, and my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy Gigler, upon my word, a very good-natured young lady, with a very pretty fortune, sir. There were also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and Mr. Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young gentleman. So, sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was the last of fifteen patients, people of distinction, sir, whom I had visited this forenoon—insisted upon [my] staying dinner, though, upon my word, I protest I had no appetite; however, in compliance with her ladyship’s request, sir, I sat down, and the conversation turning upon different subjects, among other things, Mr. Chatter asked very earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar. I told him I had not had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen hours and a half; for you may remember, sir, it was nearly about that time; I won’t be positive to a minute.—‘No!’ says he, ‘then I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately after dinner, and see what’s the matter with him, for he must certainly be very bad from having eat last night such a vast quantity of raw oysters.’” The crusty gentleman, who, from the solemnity of his delivery, expected something extraordinary, no sooner heard his conclusion, than he started up in a testy humour, crying, “Pshaw! pshaw! d—n your oysters;” and walked away after a short compliment of, “Your servant, sir,” to me. The doctor got up also, saying, “I vow and protest, upon my word, I am actually amazed,” and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, which was hard by, where he was paying for his coffee; there he whispered so loud, that
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I could overhear, “Pray who is this gentleman?” His friend replied hastily, “I might have known that before now, if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion,” and walked off very much disappointed.
The ceremonious physician returned immediately, and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving me alone; and giving me to understand, that what he had communicated to Mr. Medlar at the bar was an affair of the last importance, that would admit of no delay. He then called for some coffee, and launched out into the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in cold phlegmatic constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly unknown to the ancients; and derived its name from an Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by the sound and termination. From this topic he transferred his disquisitions to the verb drink, which he affirmed was improperly applied to the taking of coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink, but sip or sipple that liquor; that the genuine meaning of drinking is to quench one’s thirst, or commit a debauch by swallowing wine; that the Latin word, which conveyed the same idea was bibere or potare, and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they were differently used on different occasions. For example: to drink a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the other hand, to use it moderately, was bibere, and pinein; that this was only a conjecture of his own, which, however, seemed to be supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied to the pores of the skin, that can only drink a very small quantity of the circumambient moisture, by reason of the smallness of their diameters; whereas, from the verb poteein is derived the substantive potamos, which signifies a river,
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or vast quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling at this learned and important investigation; and, to recommend myself the more to my new acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this time well informed of, I observed, that what he alleged did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in the writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto and bibo indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth ode of his first Book:
Vile potabis modicis Sabinum cantharis,——
——et prœlo domitam Caleno tu bibes uvam.
That I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that potamos, potema, and potos were derived from pino, poso, pepoka; in consequence of which the Greek poets never use any other word for festal drinking. Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words:
Nestora d’ouk elathen iache pinonta per empes.
And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion almost in every page,
Pinonti de oinon hedun
Otan pino ton oinon.
Opliz’ ego de pino.
And in a thousand other places. The doctor, who, doubtless, intended by his criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was infinitely surprised to find himself schooled by one of my appearance; and after a considerable pause, cried, “Upon my word! you are in the right, sir—I find I have not considered this affair with my usual accuracy.” Then accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very well, the conversation was maintained full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in that language; and indeed, he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced, notwithstanding his whimsical appearance, and attention to trifles, that he was a man
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of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked upon me, as I afterwards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and proposed that very night, if I was not engaged, to introduce me to several young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom he had an appointment at the Bedford Coffeehouse.
we ought to down on our knees text unchanged: expected to go down
insisted upon [my] staying dinner
[Yup: Bad text. The bracketed word is present in 1748.]
and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein
[Surprisingly, the 1748 edition also shows the Greek in Roman type. This was all but unheard-of before the 20th century.]
I had never heard of the verb poteein
[Neither has anyone else. The closest we can get is the adjective ποτεος (poteos), drunk.]
Nestora d’ouk elathen iache pinonta per empes.
[Opening line of Iliad XIV: Νέστορα δ’ οὐκ ἔλαθεν ἰαχὴ πίνοντά περ ἔμπης. Do not ask how the last syllable of elathen got to be metrically long.]
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine Gentlemen, with whom I spend the Evening at a Tavern—Our Conversation—The Characters of my new Companions—The Doctor is roasted—The Issue of our Debauch.
I ACCEPTED his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney coach, where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest stood a group of them round the fire, whom I immediately knew to be the very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put herself under my protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Doctor Wagtail, for that was my companion’s name, than they tittered and whispered one to another; and I was not a little surprised to find that these were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for when he observed them together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great gravity, saying, “Gentlemen, your most obedient—give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society.” Then turning to me, “Mr. Random, this is Mr.
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Bragwell—Mr. Banter, sir—Mr. Chatter—my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, sir.” I saluted each of them in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him to thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter, too, who I afterwards learned was a player, displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, features, and voice, while he returned my compliment. This feat I should not have been so sensible of, had not I seen him behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question or control, resolved, however, to chastise his insolence at a more convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger, asked if I had been lately in France; and when I answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg gallery. I told him I had considered it more than once, with great attention. Upon this, a conversation ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter. While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous collection, I overheard Banter ask Doctor Wagtail where he had picked up this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, “Upon my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman—a man of fortune, sir—he has made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, sir.” “What, he told you so, I suppose?” said the other; “I take him to be neither more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre.” “Oh! barbarous, barbarous!” cried the doctor; “this is actually, upon my word, altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly well, sir; he is of the Randoms of the north—a very ancient house, sir, and a distant relation of mine.” I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter,
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and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company in general; but as I might possibly, by their means, acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear these little mortifications as long as I could, without injuring the dignity of my character. After having talked for some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other coffeehouse subjects, it was proposed that we should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a body. Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the doctor was entertained as a butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game, by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and indigestion, for he was troubled with all these complaints to a very great degree? Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner harangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations; ascribed the player’s malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding from hard drinking and vociferation, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. “Pah, pah,” cried Ranter, interrupting him, “the remedy is worse than the disease. I wish I knew where to find some tinder-water.” “Tinder-water!” said the doctor; “upon my word I don’t apprehend you, Mr. Ranter.” “Water extracted from tinder,” replied the other, “an universal specific for all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German monk,
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who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to Paracelsus.” “Pardon me,” cried the painter, “it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in his own hand-writing, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon, by a peasant who was digging for potatoes.” “Well,” said Wagtail, “in all my vast reading I never met with such a preparation! neither did I know, till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.” Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Doctor Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solomon’s understanding Greek, when he is represented to us as the wisest and best educated prince in the world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in the time of the Crusades, by some knights of that country. “I profess,” said the doctor, “there is nothing more likely—I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be inestimable—and if I understood the process, would set about it immediately.”
The player assured him the process was very simple—that he must cram a hundredweight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. “Upon my integrity!” exclaimed the credulous doctor, “this is very amazing! and extraordinary! that a caput mortuum shall yield any water at all—I must own I have always been an enemy to specifics, which I thought inconsistent with the nature of the animal economy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not to be questioned. I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of which must undoubtedly raise the price of paper—or where I shall find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a mass.” Slyboot informed him,
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that he might have a retort blown for him as big as a church; and that the easiest method of raising the vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for feverish patients, who might lie upon mattresses around, and in contact with it. He had no sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail exclaimed, in a rapture, “An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will positively put it in practice.” This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out, and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him; and soliciting his company at the next occasion of that kind. “No, no, d—me,” said Bragwell, “I have something else to mind than dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides, you know my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes, when a woman is concerned. The last time I was there I had an affair with Tom Trippet.” “O! I remember that,” cried Banter; “you lugged out before the ladies; and I commend you for so doing, because you had an opportunity of showing your manhood without running any risk.” “Risk!” said the other, with a fierce countenance; “d—n my blood! I fear no risks. I ain’t afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head, d—me! ’tis well known I have drawn blood more than once, and lost some too; but what does that signify?” The player begged this champion to
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employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such a part the more naturally on the stage. “Die!” replied the hero; “no, by G—d! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury—I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b—h, if he had not taught me to prick any part of my antagonist’s body that I please to disable.” “Oho!” cried Slyboot, “if that be the case, I have a favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time when the spear is thrust into his side. Now, I should be glad if you would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking a good clever agony from nature. The doctor will direct you where to enter, and how far to go; but pray let it be as near the left side as possible.” Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed, that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the thorax, without hurting the heart, and of consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a very nice hand, and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being attended with death; that he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of miscarriage. Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter’s waggery as the doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying, he had a very great regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind were uttered;
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the wine circulated; supper was served in; we ate heartily; returned to the bottle; Bragwell became noisy and troublesome; Banter grew more and more severe; Ranter rehearsed; Slyboot made faces at the whole company; I sung French catches, and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with a woeful countenance, sat silent, like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length it was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed.
While we deliberated on this expedition, the waiter came into the room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail; when he understood he was present, he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him; at which message the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, and, with a look of extreme confusion, assured the company, he could not possibly be the person wanted, for he had no connexion with any lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so. “For shame!” cried Banter, “would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady the hearing? perhaps she comes for a consultation. It must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this time o’night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor’s baisemains to the lady, and squire her hither.” The player immediately staggered out, and returned, leading in, with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose appearance proclaimed her occupation. We received her with the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, on the doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy fourfold. At length, after a good many piteous sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: “What! not one
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word of comfort? Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not all my affliction! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! Where are thy vows, thou faithless perjured man? Hast thou no honour—no conscience—no remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me?—Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I have recourse to heaven or hell for my revenge?” If poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing this address! His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lips trembled, and he answered, in an accent not to be described, “Upon my word, honour, and salvation! madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a most particular veneration for your sex, and am actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam;—besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!” “How, traitor!” cried she, “dost thou disown me then?—Mistaken! no, too well I know that fair bewitching face; too well I know that false enchanting tongue!—Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me, by his unkindness, to expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under the specious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and, taking advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards abandoned me to my fate! I am now four months gone with child by him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery and want! Yes, thou barbarian,” said she, turning to Wagtail, “thou tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation—but I will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a monster.”
So saying, she sprung forward at the doctor, who with incredible agility jumped over the table, and ran
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behind Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine. Although everybody in the company affected the utmost surprise, I could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce diversion at the doctor’s expense; and being under no concern about the consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the distress of Wagtail, who, with tears in his eyes, begged the protection of the company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge, as the fœtus in utero; and hinting, at the same time, that nature had not put it into his power to be guilty of such a trespass. “Nature!” cried the lady; “there was no nature in the case—he abused me by the help of charms and spells; or else how is it possible that any woman could have listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow? Were these owlish eyes made for ogling; that carrion complexion to be admired; or that mouth like a horse-shoe to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural talents, which are in every respect mean and contemptible.” The doctor now thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but for half an hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance and superstition. He accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse upon the nature of ideas, the power and independence of the mind, the properties of stimulating medicines, the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples would create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only be the result of sense and reflection; and concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness in being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had never injured,
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nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes, that an innocent person was in danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner finished his harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed her lamentations, and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which, she said, was able to bias the most impartial bench in Christendom. Banter advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to salve his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for the child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship him for his generosity; and, though he persisted in protesting his innocence, condescended to everything, rather than his unblemished character should be called in question. The lady rejected the proposal, and insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to rid him of her importunity for half a guinea; upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse, and put it into the hand of his friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bade her thank God for her good fortune. When she had received this bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss. This he was prevailed upon to grant, with great reluctance, and went up with his usual solemnity to salute her; when she laid hold of his cheek with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish, to the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought proper to release him, she dropped a low curtsey to the company, and quitted the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence
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of the bite; for by this time he was convinced of her being mad. Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be heated, in order to sear the place. The player was of opinion that Bragwell should scoop out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the painter prevented both these dreadful operations, by recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog. So saying, he pulled out a small bladder of black paint; with which he instantly anointed not only the sore, but the greatest part of the patient’s face, and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the poor creature was so harassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclination of everybody present.
This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his displeasure, by swearing a few threats, without making any application; which being perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he, with a view of promoting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me very ill; but every man was the best judge of his own affairs. I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me ill with impunity, and that I stood in no need of his counsel, in regard to the regulation of my conduct. He thought proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assured me he meant no offence; while Bragwell feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged to take notice of what passed. But the player, who had more animal spirits and less discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest where he had dropped it, jogged Mr. Bragwell, and told him softly, that I called him names, and threatened to cudgel him. This particular I understood by his starting, and crying, “Blood and wounds! you lie! No man durst treat me so
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ignominiously—Mr. Random, did you call me names, and threaten to drub me?” I denied the imputation, and proposed to punish the scoundrel, who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company. Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and accosted the actor in these words: “Lookee, Mr. Ranter, I know you possess all the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night, on me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness also; therefore I desire you to leap over this sword without hesitation.” So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of about three feet from the floor, and called, “Once—twice—thrice, and away;” but, instead of complying with my command, he snatched his hat and hanger, and assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst out into the following exclamation: “Ha! must I then perform inglorious prank, of sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and lay my head in Fury’s lap! Have we not Hiren here?” This buffoonery did not answer his expectation, for by this time the company was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two higher, that he might have the better opportunity of exerting himself. The painter told him, if he performed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter to the proprietors of Sadler’s Wells; and Bragwell, crying “Leap for the king,” applied the point of his sword to the player’s posteriors with such success, that he sprung over in a trice, and, finding the door unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of the reckoning so easily.
It being now near two o’clock in the morning, we discharged the bill, and sallied out into the street.
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The painter slunk away without taking his leave. Billy Chatter, being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to Moll King’s coffeehouse, where, after he had kicked half a dozen hungry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and directed our course towards Charing Cross, near which place both he and I lodged.
The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he honoured me by the way with many compliments and professions of friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told him I thought myself happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight. He was surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself: upon which I mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail in the coffeehouse. He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, assuring me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour; and what he said was only intended as a joke on the doctor’s solemnity. I was highly pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a little proud of the good opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to meet me next day at the ordinary.
END OF VOL II.
MORRISON AND GIBB, PRINTERS, EDINBURGH.
The original of this text is in the public domain—at least in the U.S.
My notes are copyright, as are all under-the-hood elements.
If in doubt, ask.
